Remembering where you came from.

                   'You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out of there by a mighty hand and by an outstretched arm'

Deuteronomy 5:15

The past few months have been crazily busy. Between raising Justin, school (I am in the middle of mid-terms right now- yuck!), ministry, and lots of traveling, things have been hectic. However, there have been a few events over the past few months that I want to memorialize, and just haven't had the time too. I feel it's important, because I feel like God used each and every one of these events to remind me of where He brought me from, and how He has blessed my life in such a short time. 

At the end of January, I had the honor to be besides one of my best friends as she gave birth to her little girl. Her story reminds me so much of mine. Her daughter reminds me so much of Justin. They are both atonement babies- given by God to redeem the mistakes of the past. The emotions that I felt while staying with her for those 18 hours of labor were overwhelming. Not only because I was honored to be asked to be there as her labor support, and of course birth is beautiful all on its own- but because I remember how blessed and undeserving I felt when I found out I was going to have my "atonement baby". That God blessed and entrusted me with another baby was something that I never thought I would have again- something I never thought I deserved after making a mess of my other children during my drug addiction.  When I was sure that I had to live with the consequences of being childless forever after failing my first set of kids- out came this beautiful, bouncing bundle of joy- straight from heaven. To know that God loved me that much- to offer a second chance, to remind me that I am not my past, that nothing is unforgivable, that He can do ALL things-  and to let me have another shot at raising this beautiful baby he had given me was so heartbreaking- in the best way. All of those feelings and memories came flooding back in that labor room, and I felt so much of that for my dear friend as she gave birth to her "atonement baby"- her fresh start, her new hope for the future- a living, breathing, sign of her redemption from her past through her savior. God shows his goodness in so many ways- and I am so happy for the experience that she is going on- the same experience I myself started just a few short years ago. She will now, truly, know what unconditional love is. To know that you are that beloved by the creator of the universe, and that God longs to restore you that he will go to any lengths to make that clear is a an experience that very few people get. To know that God thinks you are deserving of another precious child- even if people don't- is the ultimate act of love from our creator. 

Me with the new mommy- and the beautiful, redemptive peanut!

I also went back to my roots- where my life with Jesus began- in February. The outreach addiction church my husband and I met at were having a woman's conference Valentine's Day weekend, so we went to Milwaukee for the weekend to attend it. Usually when we go to Milwaukee for the weekend, we book a suite in a hotel. This weekend, my husband and son stayed in the suite, while I stayed in the women's restoration home with two of our CROSSroads girls from up here. I thought it would be good for them to experience the home- a home very similar to the restoration home that we are going to have in Marshfield soon. To be back to the place where it all began- where I walked in addicted, suicidal, broken and lost, where I found God, where I stayed 4 years as the women's home director and ministered to other lost and hurting, drug addicted women, and finally walked out of as a strong, drug free, confident, Christian woman- was humbling. So many memories of how I fell in love with God there came rushing back. The awe and wonder I experienced as I was first getting to know him while being set free from my addictions is something that can never be replaced. He found me in that restoration home- and did miraculous work in me. Being there that weekend reminded me that I need to get that fire back- to step away from the distractions of life, and have my sole focus on God the same way I did back then. I long for that closeness with Him again- closeness that often gets put on the back burner in everyday life while I'm dealing with school and toddlers and housework and ministry. Being back there opened my eyes to what my relationship with God once was- and where I am working towards getting it to again. It also brought so much hope and excitement for the homes we will be opening up here- thinking about how many lives will be saved and transformed at the home here like the home in Milwaukee saved and transformed mine. Being back there was a reminder that God used my time in the home there to train me and get me ready for running the homes up here. He never wastes anything. I am humbled from where he brought me, and what he is doing in other's lives through my obedience.

During the conference at Milwaukee Victory Church

To top it all off, this Monday, I was in a courtroom supporting one of my CROSSroads' girls HUGE accomplishment of graduating drug court after 18 months. While we were waiting for her to graduate, there were other people who were in the program that were in custody and called up before the judge in jumpsuits and shackles. Oh, how I remember being in that place. I thought that my destiny was to be in and out of jail for the rest of my life. When you are addicted to drugs and don't know God, that is the only option that you see. Such a hopeless, dark place to be. Someplace that I am so thankful God rescued me out of. I was reminded as I watched the people in jumpsuits, that that could have very well been me today if God hadn't intervened. I think back on that time of my life and it almost seems like a dream. My life is so unimaginably different today- because of God. He truly can change the worst of the worst, if we only surrender. I am living proof of that. So is my husband. He made a comment in the courtroom about how it was nice to be on the other side of the courtroom and know that you are going to be walking out on your own free will. Only by the grace of God! The funny thing is, that Malissa actually ended up at CROSSroads after being prayed for by people she didn't know from the CROSSroads leadership team on her first day of drug court that were in the courtroom for another one of our girls who was being sentenced. God brought her to CROSSroads a week later- and she has been there ever since! No one ever told her they were praying for her, but God brought her to us anyway. God is THERE- even in the darkest moments, and even when we aren't looking for him.  He may very well show up for those guys in the jumpsuits in the courtroom. He truly is a God of the miraculous.

My husband and others praying with Malissa outside of drug court

I truly believe that God reminds us of where we come from, so that we never forget His power. When life is going good, sometimes it is easy to forget all of the bad stuff we have been through. But, it is there- waiting- if we ever decide to turn our back on God and go back to our mess. The enemy would love nothing more than to get us back to where God brought us out of. That's why it is so important to keep our eyes on Jesus, and keep pressing forward. I am so thankful for God and everything He has done. Seeing the contrast of where he brought me from makes me that much more thankful. My life now is truly a miracle- only by his power. God, let me never forget just how deep your love for me runs, and just how much you have shown me that by the way you have changed my life!

Remember His wonderful deeds which He has done, His marvels and the judgments from His mouth.
1 Chronicles 16:12

How 2 years can change your life...

Justin on his Harley big wheel-his favorite gift out of all of his birthday presents.

 This weekend, my husband and I- along with some close friends and family members) gathered to celebrate our son's 2nd birthday.  In the midst of an insanely busy schedule,  trips, and meetings,  we made sure to set aside time to celebrate the little person who has turned out to be the greatest blessing in our lives. If there was ever someone who deserved to be celebrated, it's him. Not only is he a trooper- he gets dragged all over by my husband and I on our ministry ventures, has a crazy schedule and no set routine most of the time, is always sharing his house (and parents) with strangers, and has been on more roadtrips in his short 24 months than most adults have been on

in their lifetime- but he has given his father and I a renewed purpose in life- a purpose that both of us had long ago forgotten about.

Justin celebrating his birthday with his daddy and some of his cousins.

Ben and I call Justin our "atonement baby." We truly believe that he was a gift given to us by God as a second chance to be parents, and to experience the wonderful joys that come with it. He was sent to make up for all we had lost out on, had stolen from us and given up on with our other kids while we were in our addiction.  Ben and I have very similar testimonies, and we both have much older children from previous relationships (long before we knew each other). We were horrible parents to say the least- caught in a cycle of drug addiction that made our children nothing more than an afterthought. We weren't there the way we should have been, and we put our kids through things no child should have to go through. We wasted precious years of our children's lives in a haze of substances, and by the God saved us out of our drug addiction, the relationships with our kids had been severely damaged and time had been lost that we could never get back. When Ben and I met, even though we were both in good places in our lives- being parents was the last thought to enter our minds. We both knew we had blew our chance at parenthood, and we had come to terms with the fact that it was something we were never going to be privileged enough to experience. We messed up, and sometimes there is no way to undo things that are done. Sometimes apologizes aren't accepted, people don't truly believe that God can change people (or at least not people as horrible as us), and second (or in our case 100th) chances aren't given.

February 21st, 2013- the day my life changed forever.

But GOD is the God of second chances..  I always had an ache in my heart for failing my kids and not being with them. However, despite how it may have looked to others- I was doing what was best for my kids. So was Ben. We thought staying away would give them the best shot at having a good life. We just messed things up. So we stayed away- even though it was heart breaking. I did what I knew to be best at the time, regardless if it hurt me. It wasn't about me. From the outside it probably looked like I was a lowlife junkie abandoning my kids, but I was trying to protect them- from me. They were safer, and saner, with me not around. It was the only unselfish act I performed in my addiction- doing what was best for my kids even though it killed me inside, and I was ridiculed for walking away. People didn't understand, but it didn't matter. I knew it was best for them. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my future husband that I had yet to meet had made the same exact choices regarding his kids years earlier.

I accepted that ache and loneliness as punishment- my lot in life for being a horrible mother. But that didn't make it hurt any less- it just helped me make sense in my mind why God had allowed my life to turn out the way it had, and why he didn't give me my kids back. I was saved, drug free, and accepted the consequences of not having my kids because of my bad decisions. So did Ben. We both had people in our life who were constantly reminding us what failures we had been, and we agreed with them. We had been horrible failures. But God had changed us. We made the best of our situations and decided to make the best out of the rest of our lives. We accepted that we couldn't change the past, but we're going to do our best to have a good future living for God- without children.

                                  Justin the day we brought him home from the hospital.

But God is the God of second chances. You can imagine our surprise, then, when we found out we were expecting. My entire infancy, I thought it was too good to be true. How could God be blessing us with a baby after how badly we had messed up with our other kids? How could he entrust this little soul to us? I remember being so fearful that something was going to go wrong. This couldn't be right. We didn't deserve this. Even though we had changed our lives and were living for God, we didn't deserve this second chance at parenthood. Isn't parenthood a one shot deal? Apparently, God didn't think so.

Thank God that he doesn't give us what we deserve. God blessed us with the most amazing gift we could have ever imagined when he gave us Justin. We finally understood what other parents meant when they talked about love at first sight, and knowing that you would kill to protect the little person in your arms. How you would give your last dollar, your last ounce of energy, your last breath for your baby. All of the feelings that the drugs wouldn't allow us to feel with our first kids came flooding in full force with Justin. We felt them so strongly, because we truly appreciated what we had in this baby- that he really was a gift. We had taken it for granted with our other kids, so we savor every moment of parenthood now with our second chance baby- our atonement baby. We realize just how precious each of these moments are, because we have grieved the lost moments we never got to spend with our other kids. It's like being given a second chance at life- a chance to do it right. Parenting truly is a gift- one that God gave to us even though we didn't deserve it. I look at my precious little boy's face, and see the love of God. A God who loves us so much that he longs to bless us, forgive us, have compassion on us, and give us another chance. When people ask me how I know God gives second chances, I point to my little boy.  He can have mercy and grace on you in ways you would never imagine. I am so amazed that God used this little boy to restore both mine and Ben's pasts in one shot. God can redeem even the most lost, worthless life if you give it to him. He did mine- beyond my wildest dreams.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning- great is thy faithfulness.
                       Lamentations 3:22-23


So I will restore to you the years that the locust have eaten... 
                           Joel 2:25