We used to sit where you are sitting now.

My husband and I being prayed over and anointed by the Pastors.

This weekend, my husband and I went back to our home church, which is comprised of restoration homes for drug addicts. This is the church that saved both of our lives years ago. The church where we were given freedom from our addictions. The church where we met Jesus. The church where our lives changed forever. The church where we were blessed beyond our wildest dreams. The church where we learned how to love God, ourselves, and others. The church where we learned to fight spiritual warfare.The church where we met each other. The church where we commissioned, appointed, and anointed. The church that, spiritually, will always be home. 

My husband praying over a brother in the home

We were asked to speak at a discipleship class they had on Saturday, and my husband was asked to preach the message on Sunday. We make trips to our former church often- usually at least once every six weeks- to visit.  However, this weekend was especially astounding and amazing. The spirit of God was moving in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. Sometimes in the hum drum of daily life, our closeness with God can wane, and we can lose our awe of Him. We can turn God into something normal and boring instead of something awe inspiring and supernatural. Our relationship with him can become routine, and we can start to put God in a box.  We can stifle His ability to move, because we are too busy with our to-do list in life to allow him the time to do what He desires to do.

Me praying over one of our CROSSroads' girls

Well, He busted out of the box this weekend. We took some of our friends and ministry partners down with us this weekend for the discipleship class on Saturday and the service on Sunday. Something told us that something BIG was going to happen this weekend, and that we needed to invite others down.  It was so amazing to watch our friends experience the powerful presence of God that is unique to an outreach ministry this weekend. When you have dozens of hurting, broken addicts crying out to God to restore them, asking for forgiveness, singing praises from the heart instead of from a hymn book, and allowing their bondages to be broken, God shows up in a way that is indescribable- and different from anything they have ever experienced in "normal" churches.

Altar call

You see, there is no spirit of religion here. The people at this church either are or were so broken, so desperate, so hungry for God- that they could never, EVER make the mistake of believing that they are good enough on their own. That showing up to church on Sunday is enough. That all that needs to be done in a Christian life is to show up to church once a week, and go to the same bible study with the same group of church ladies for fifteen years.  That they have it together, and God can serve as an afterthought. They are not "weekend warrior" Christians. They are reminded every day that their life literally depends on God, and walking away from him can mean death. They are totally and utterly dependent on him, and know that He must saturate their every thought and action if they are going to be able to live without going back to drugs. Taking God for granted for even a minute can mean the difference between being sober and being an addict again.

Deliverance service

When you get a group of people like that together with a moving message and the presence of the Holy Spirit, amazing things happen. Powerful things. Things that I can't even begin to describe. The presence of God was so powerful this weekend, that I was crying through a good portion of it. People were being slain in the spirit, repenting, praying for each other, speaking in tongues, praising. What was supposed to be a two hour service on Saturday turned into a six hour service courtesy of Pastor Clay being moved by the spirit, and what was meant to be a two hour service on Sunday turned into a four hour deliverance service after the message. There were no time limits, rules, or itinerary. God was allowed to move in the way that He wanted to, and He did not disappoint.

Us praying as a couple

This weekend revitalized me in so many ways. So many times we can get so busy doing ministry, that we forget to spend time with God. So many times we can get confused that doing ministry and talking to God is the same thing. It' s not. We can start to base our relationship with God on what we are doing for him- like the Pharisees. Our relationship with God needs to be our FIRST priority in life- above our ministries, above our marriages, above our children. We need to remember that without Him, we are nothing and can do nothing. It was so beautiful to have a head on collision with my first love this weekend. To remember what caused me to fall so passionately in love with him in the first place. To remember where He found me, how He picked me up, and how He has redeemed my life. To be reminded of the awe and wonder I had for God when I first got saved, and He was first beginning to revealing himself to me. How I sought Him with all my heart, mind, and soul. He revealed himself in the same powerful way this weekend.

This weekend was also a reminder to us why we do what we do. Ministry can get very discouraging and very tiring. You sacrifice so much of yourself to help people- your time, your money, your heart- just to see many fail. You spend months praying and interceding and advising, just to have someone throw it all away and go back to drugs. You spend time running around, picking them up, and driving them to church services and meetings, just to have them quit in the end. You come to deeply love these people, you grow so close to them and get your hopes up that they will finally "get it" this time, just to have them turn away from you, or slander you, or accuse you of things.  So many times you come to the brink of wanting to quit- of asking what the point is. You can begin to wonder if you are doing any good at all, and question why God is having you do it at all.

The prayer team laying on hands

This weekend reminded us what the point is. For others to be able to experience what we have-freedom from addiction and a head on collision with God- is worth every sacrifice. For even ONE person to be able to experience God the way that we have, makes it ALL worth it. I don't want anyone to miss out on God changing their lives, and if I can be a messenger of hope, that is what I will do. I think about everything He has done for me, and what He wants to do for others. I think about where we were when God found my husband and I ( sitting in the EXACT same seats as the people we were preaching to this weekend), and how far he has brought us. He has healed and redeemed everything in our lives, and blessed us in unimaginable ways. I know he wants to do the same for others, and it is our duty to let them know that. In fact, as I write this, my husband celebrates 13 years TO THE DAY that he first walked into Milwaukee Victory Church, came to know Jesus Christ, and has been free from drugs. Thirteen years of depending on God, and being an inspiration to those who are sitting in the seats he sat in. The power of that testimony is something that can touch even the coldest hearts.

Slain in the spirit

I hate the fact that we don't have this kind of experience in Marshfield. God is so boxed in, and addiction still has a stigma to it. But's it's coming. Hard core drug addicts that have been saved by Christ's power and grace are going to be where the next revival comes from. Not just in Marshfield and Milwaukee- but in the whole country. Those who are forgiven much love much, and drug addicts have been forgiven of SO much that they can't help but be grateful to God for it and want to tell others about the good news. When you have transitioned LITERALLY from the dark side of hell into the light and goodness of Christ, your transformation speaks volumes to those around you. Your testimony shares the true hope and power of Christ. Your testimony changes lives, and inspires others to share theirs and what God has done for them. That's how fires get started!

The Victory Church Pastors and ministers- Howard, Les, Ben and Clay.

My husband and I were incredibly blessed to be able to do just that this weekend. We spoke to those sitting in the same seats in the restoration homes that we sat in ourselves for so many years. Those who are hurting so desperately that they have finally surrendered to God. We came back to share the message that we have been where they are, and that there is hope. That God has a plan for their lives, and they are not there by accident. That if they will just stick it out and allow God to work on them, he will transform their lives into ones that are unrecognizable from the one that they had in their addiction. If he did it for us, he will do it for them- and my husband and I were some of the worst of the worst. When you have been the "worst of the worst", you give others who are "the worst of the worst" hope that God can change them too. I remember when I was younger, that many Pastors tried to tell me that Jesus forgave me. I never took them seriously, because I thought "sure, he can forgive YOU, because you probably haven't had so much as a speeding ticket in your life. But what about ME and what I have done? SURELY he can't forgive THAT."

My husband and Pastor Clay- the speakers for the weekend.

However, when I walked into Milwaukee Victory Church in 2008, I was met by a Pastor (Pastor Cano) who told me that God forgave me. The pastor himself had been a heroin addict for over two decades, a leader of the Latin Kings in Chicago, a criminal. Hearing HIM say it, and witnessing how God had transformed his life, gave me hope for the first time that maybe God really could love me like he had loved him. He was a lowly drug addict before Christ as well, yet God had blessed his life miraculously and done wonderful things through it. To hear someone with a similar past as mine being wanted by God was a novelty. THAT was the first time I ever thought maybe God would give me a chance. That is the first time I ever gave God a chance. That is why my husband share our stories- so others realize that God will give them a chance as well.

My husband preaching

1 Timothy Chapter 1:

¹² I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. ¹³ Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. ¹⁴ The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

¹⁵ Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. ¹⁶ But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.
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God will use the most horrible pasts to speak to people. God wants to let people know that your good works, your good deeds, being a "good person" won't save you. ONLY giving your life completely to Him can do that. A former addict, gang banger, and prostitute who has surrendered to God will have far more of a blessed life than a "good person" who isn't sold out for God can ever try- or dream- to. Jesus longs to have a relationship with each and every one of us- good person or not. Come as you are, and he will transform you into what he intended for you to be. THAT is what needs to be preached. That is what we preach. I think so many times churches do a huge disservice to the unsaved by acting like they have it all together. Acting perfect. Judging. Not talking about their struggles and issues. It gives people the impression that they have to have it all together and not have struggles and sin in order to come to church or to be accepted by God. They can't relate. When you put on a front of being a perfect Christian, the heroin addict with a needle hanging out of their arm who just robbed a gas station can't relate to you, or to the God that you preach.

Look in the Bible. Who did Jesus choose as his disciples? They were murderers, tax collectors, prostitutes- broken people. He didn't go into the synagogues and choose the religious scholars or the people who kept all of the laws. The people who put on a front of perfection.  Have you ever wondered WHY? Why did God himself choose a rag tag gang of misfits that were outcasted by society for their sin, instead of the "good people" with their theology degrees?

Pastor Clay, Pastor Les, and my husband

It's because that Rag Tag gang of misfits KNEW they were bad. They knew they weren't righteous. They knew that they COULDN'T be righteous on their own. When Christ appeared to them, they hung onto him with all of their might, because they knew it was only by his power that they could ever be made right with God. The religious scholars and Pharisees felt that they already were right with God because they were so "good". God can't work with people who won't rely on Him because they are too busy relying on themselves. Not only that, but the religious Pharisees lacked love. They judged. They acted why God was hanging out with THOSE people. They thought of themselves higher than others. The rag tag gang thought humbly of themselves, because they knew what they had been before Christ. They had compassion and empathy for sinners, because they had been there themselves. They loved the lost, because they had been the lost. They didn't expect perfection, but they knew Jesus alone could perfect.

My husband and I speaking to the congregation

                                         

1 Corinthians 1:27 says "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." It's not the religious scholars, the "good" people of the world, or the morally superior (the people who are "strong") that God is going to use, but the weak things- addicts, liars, cheaters, murderers, the lost- people that "religious" people look down on, to show the "wise" of the world that they are nothing without Jesus. An addict who has given their life to Christ and is on fire for God can do more than a dead religious person ever will. God is speaking- he wants people to recognize that sitting in church does you know good if your life isn't being transformed, and you're not teaching others about Christ so theirs can be transformed as well. We are the foolish- the unlikely, the undeserving, the ones that were counted out. The ones no one would choose to do God's work. Yet, GOD chose us- to speak to those who have also been counted out, judged, and cast aside. The ones who aren't perfect. The ones that can only relate to people who admit that they are- and have never been- perfect either.

To be able to offer hope to those sitting in the homes was such a blessing. I remember when I was in the restoration home, and people who had been there before came back and talked about what God had done in their lives. They were now pastors, spouses, parents, productive members of society, healed. I remember wondering if maybe, just maybe, God could do the same thing for me. They gave me hope to stick it out, and to trust in God. I could relate to them, and I knew that I wasn't being judged, because they had been in the same seat I was sitting in. I am honored and humbled that we have been allowed to do the same for someone else.

My husband, our good friend Charles, and my mother in law, Lucy

Sunday, while my husband preached, his mother was sitting in the audience. She had such pride in her eyes as she watched her son- the son that she once thought was lost for good- preach the word of God and offer hope to people who are where he once was. The son that once was dead was alive, and speaking life into others. The son who once stole and lied and cheated was instead teaching the word of God, and using his story to help others with the same pasts. How healing it must have been to see that redemptive power of Christ in her son's life. I have a son, and I can only imagine. I cry just thinking about it. God truly is the restorer, healer, and redeemer of all things. He will use everything that we go through for good- either for us or for someone else (Romans 8:28).

After Sunday morning service, the leadership (pastors and ministers) of the church went out and enjoyed a fellowship meal at the Olive Garden. I was so blessed to experience such a powerful weekend in God's presence with these awesome men and women of God who have come to know God the same way my husband I and I have. They were broken, lost, addicted, and destitute, and God is using them to do amazing things in the kingdom. I am in awe of God and how His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways. How He took what the devil meant for evil in every one of our lives, and is using it for good- to give hope to those sitting in the same situations we were once in. To show his undisputable power through their changed lives. No one can argue with a testimony. When God changes you from an addict, a thug, a prostitute, a liar, a cheater, an evil person- into a man or woman of God, people KNOW that God is real. There is no other way it's possible. None of us should be alive right now, but God kept us, redeemed us, and transformed us for His kingdom's sake. To speak to the people in the seats where we once sat. To let them know there is hope, and that nothing is to hard for God.

Anointed and commissioned

When the weekend was over, I didn't want to leave. The presence of God was so intense, no one in their right mind would ever want to leave. It felt so good to be home. To go back to where it all started, and remember what God has done- and is yet to do. To recall how Jesus raised us from the dead, and gave us a new life.  But, He has a plan. We are all one body in Christ, and there are big things getting ready to happen in the Kingdom of God. I am just so humbled to be included in it.

Remembering where you came from.

                   'You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out of there by a mighty hand and by an outstretched arm'

Deuteronomy 5:15

The past few months have been crazily busy. Between raising Justin, school (I am in the middle of mid-terms right now- yuck!), ministry, and lots of traveling, things have been hectic. However, there have been a few events over the past few months that I want to memorialize, and just haven't had the time too. I feel it's important, because I feel like God used each and every one of these events to remind me of where He brought me from, and how He has blessed my life in such a short time. 

At the end of January, I had the honor to be besides one of my best friends as she gave birth to her little girl. Her story reminds me so much of mine. Her daughter reminds me so much of Justin. They are both atonement babies- given by God to redeem the mistakes of the past. The emotions that I felt while staying with her for those 18 hours of labor were overwhelming. Not only because I was honored to be asked to be there as her labor support, and of course birth is beautiful all on its own- but because I remember how blessed and undeserving I felt when I found out I was going to have my "atonement baby". That God blessed and entrusted me with another baby was something that I never thought I would have again- something I never thought I deserved after making a mess of my other children during my drug addiction.  When I was sure that I had to live with the consequences of being childless forever after failing my first set of kids- out came this beautiful, bouncing bundle of joy- straight from heaven. To know that God loved me that much- to offer a second chance, to remind me that I am not my past, that nothing is unforgivable, that He can do ALL things-  and to let me have another shot at raising this beautiful baby he had given me was so heartbreaking- in the best way. All of those feelings and memories came flooding back in that labor room, and I felt so much of that for my dear friend as she gave birth to her "atonement baby"- her fresh start, her new hope for the future- a living, breathing, sign of her redemption from her past through her savior. God shows his goodness in so many ways- and I am so happy for the experience that she is going on- the same experience I myself started just a few short years ago. She will now, truly, know what unconditional love is. To know that you are that beloved by the creator of the universe, and that God longs to restore you that he will go to any lengths to make that clear is a an experience that very few people get. To know that God thinks you are deserving of another precious child- even if people don't- is the ultimate act of love from our creator. 

Me with the new mommy- and the beautiful, redemptive peanut!

I also went back to my roots- where my life with Jesus began- in February. The outreach addiction church my husband and I met at were having a woman's conference Valentine's Day weekend, so we went to Milwaukee for the weekend to attend it. Usually when we go to Milwaukee for the weekend, we book a suite in a hotel. This weekend, my husband and son stayed in the suite, while I stayed in the women's restoration home with two of our CROSSroads girls from up here. I thought it would be good for them to experience the home- a home very similar to the restoration home that we are going to have in Marshfield soon. To be back to the place where it all began- where I walked in addicted, suicidal, broken and lost, where I found God, where I stayed 4 years as the women's home director and ministered to other lost and hurting, drug addicted women, and finally walked out of as a strong, drug free, confident, Christian woman- was humbling. So many memories of how I fell in love with God there came rushing back. The awe and wonder I experienced as I was first getting to know him while being set free from my addictions is something that can never be replaced. He found me in that restoration home- and did miraculous work in me. Being there that weekend reminded me that I need to get that fire back- to step away from the distractions of life, and have my sole focus on God the same way I did back then. I long for that closeness with Him again- closeness that often gets put on the back burner in everyday life while I'm dealing with school and toddlers and housework and ministry. Being back there opened my eyes to what my relationship with God once was- and where I am working towards getting it to again. It also brought so much hope and excitement for the homes we will be opening up here- thinking about how many lives will be saved and transformed at the home here like the home in Milwaukee saved and transformed mine. Being back there was a reminder that God used my time in the home there to train me and get me ready for running the homes up here. He never wastes anything. I am humbled from where he brought me, and what he is doing in other's lives through my obedience.

During the conference at Milwaukee Victory Church

To top it all off, this Monday, I was in a courtroom supporting one of my CROSSroads' girls HUGE accomplishment of graduating drug court after 18 months. While we were waiting for her to graduate, there were other people who were in the program that were in custody and called up before the judge in jumpsuits and shackles. Oh, how I remember being in that place. I thought that my destiny was to be in and out of jail for the rest of my life. When you are addicted to drugs and don't know God, that is the only option that you see. Such a hopeless, dark place to be. Someplace that I am so thankful God rescued me out of. I was reminded as I watched the people in jumpsuits, that that could have very well been me today if God hadn't intervened. I think back on that time of my life and it almost seems like a dream. My life is so unimaginably different today- because of God. He truly can change the worst of the worst, if we only surrender. I am living proof of that. So is my husband. He made a comment in the courtroom about how it was nice to be on the other side of the courtroom and know that you are going to be walking out on your own free will. Only by the grace of God! The funny thing is, that Malissa actually ended up at CROSSroads after being prayed for by people she didn't know from the CROSSroads leadership team on her first day of drug court that were in the courtroom for another one of our girls who was being sentenced. God brought her to CROSSroads a week later- and she has been there ever since! No one ever told her they were praying for her, but God brought her to us anyway. God is THERE- even in the darkest moments, and even when we aren't looking for him.  He may very well show up for those guys in the jumpsuits in the courtroom. He truly is a God of the miraculous.

My husband and others praying with Malissa outside of drug court

I truly believe that God reminds us of where we come from, so that we never forget His power. When life is going good, sometimes it is easy to forget all of the bad stuff we have been through. But, it is there- waiting- if we ever decide to turn our back on God and go back to our mess. The enemy would love nothing more than to get us back to where God brought us out of. That's why it is so important to keep our eyes on Jesus, and keep pressing forward. I am so thankful for God and everything He has done. Seeing the contrast of where he brought me from makes me that much more thankful. My life now is truly a miracle- only by his power. God, let me never forget just how deep your love for me runs, and just how much you have shown me that by the way you have changed my life!

Remember His wonderful deeds which He has done, His marvels and the judgments from His mouth.
1 Chronicles 16:12

God is the redeemer of ALL things- including the first day of school.

The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.

Joel 2:25

   You came near when I called on you; you said, ‘Do not fear!’ “You have taken up my cause, O Lord; you have redeemed my life.
Lamentations 3:57-58

Justin with his daddy in front of the school!

I was not feeling well this morning. Not at all. However, this morning was my baby's first day of school. There was no way that I was gonna miss it- no matter how bad I felt. This is one of those priceless memories in time that you don't want to miss- because there is no getting it back.

He had a great time getting dropped off- he ran in and played with the kids like it was nothing. My husband and I walked out happy parents, relieved over the smooth transition. I'm not going to lie- I wanted to cry. My baby going to school is just not something I am ready for yet! When did he get so big?

I went about my day. Today is one of those chaotic days- moving furniture, writing 5 papers before the class they are due in at 1 pm, studying for a test at 3 pm. However, when I finally got a moment of silence to myself and had time to hear myself think about something other than schoolwork, a thought hit me like a kick in the gut. It brought both happy and sad tears to my eyes. I didn't recognize it in the bustle of the morning craziness, but God softly reminded me that today was a redemption day. A day I thought I would never see- a day I didn't think I deserved.

You see, about 8 years ago, I had another son who had his first day of preschool. I was determined to go- like any mother- and see my little boy off to his first ever day of school. However, back then, I was not any mother. I was a hopelessly addicted drug addict who didn't know Jesus. As anyone who has ever dealt with or been a drug addict knows- an addicts plans hardly ever come to fruition.

On that day 8 years ago- instead of seeing my little boy off to his first day of school, I was in a hospital getting my stomach pumped for alcohol poisoning and tons of pills that I had taken in a suicide attempt. I remember it so vividly- laying on the hospital bed, unable on my own will because they had branded me suicidal and there was a hold period, and coming out of my substance induced haze, I realized what that morning was. It was Alex's first day of school. Was I really that much of a loser that I had to screw up my kid's first day of school with my addiction? What kind of mother is that? Talk about a low point in life- that was one of them. If I was suicidal before I came into the hospital, now I really wanted to die. I always screwed everything up, and I was tired and hopeless. There was no point even trying anymore.

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south. Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them. ...

Psalms 107:1

My grandma kept calling the hospital to see if I was okay. She told the nurse that it was my son's first day of school. I remember when that nurse walked in the room, she had a look of disgust on her face that she didn't even try to hide. Her contempt for me, my disease, and my selfishness were obvious. She snarkily said "Really- it's your son's first day of preschool? You chose drugs over that? Pathetic." Then she walked out.

I wanted to scream at her, explain the situation, tell her that I couldn't help it, I was in bondage and couldn't break out, despite the good things in my life. Despite wanting to. The hold my addiction had on me overshadowed even the good things in my life, and there was nothing I could do about it. But I didn't. She wouldn't care anyway. To her I was just a junkie loser who didn't care about her kids. I could understand why she thought that way. However, I DID care- I loved my son dearly, and deseratley wanted to be a good mom, my addiction just had more power.

I went many years totally heartbroken when I thought about that memory. It is one of those moments in time that you can never get back. One of those times you look back in your life and realize just how low drugs brought you. I thought it was one of those things I would just have to live with. There is no redemption for that. You can't get it back.

Until today. Clean and sober and saved, I dropped my little boy off for his first day of preschool. So did my husband- who missed everything in his older children's lives due to his addiction too. It was a moment we thought we would never get to experience. Neither one of us ever thought God would give us another child, after the ways we failed the other ones- the way we chose our addiction over them. But we were BOTH there for every moment this morning.

Checking it out!

His locker!

When I realized what had happened this morning, I burst into tears. SO many times God does miracles, and we are too busy to notice them. What seems like a small, normal thing to most people- dropping your child off for their first day of school- is a miracle for two former hardcore drug addicts. Addicts who didn't have custody of their other children because they were a danger to them, who couldn't show up to birthday parties because they were getting high, who came to Christmas drunk and wrecked the holiday for everyone and traumatized their kids. Addicts whose children saw them getting arrested by swat teams, and who grew up without their parents fully there because they were caught up in an addiction that they couldn't get out of- until God.   I truly believe that God knows how heartbroken I have been all these years over missing this moment with my other son. He showed me today, that he truly does redeem all things. He cares, and He will give you a life beyond your wildest imagination if you let Him.

Nothing is impossible with God. No matter how far you have gone or hopeless it seems or how badly you have messed up your life, he can fix it. I promise you that. Anyone who says otherwise- I call your bluff. Because we walked our little boy into preschool today.

And through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,

Colossians 1:20-22

Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant; I formed you; you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you.

Isaiah 44:21-22

Anointed to preach liberty to the captives....

LUKE 4:18-19

THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME, BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR. HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES, AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND, TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED, TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD."…

Our prison ministry crew at Jackson Correctional Institution.

This past weekend, my husband and I had the privilege to give our testimonies to inmates in Jackson Correctional Institution with a local group that does prison ministry. The trip was truly God ordained, and the spiritual impact on both the inmates and ourselves was something that we weren't prepared for. I left in total awe of God, and with a renewed fire in my spirit, and the inmates there had more or an impact on me than they will ever know.

People have asked us before if we had ever considered doing prison ministry, and it was something that we were very interested in, but quite honestly weren't sure if we were going to be able to do. With both my husband and I being former addicts, we were positive that we would never be given clearance to go into prisons. On top of that, we have so much going on as it is, we were questioning if we had the ability to take on another aspect of ministry. However, our hearts were strong for people in prison- those who are isolated, alone, and hopeless- much like drug addicts are during their addictions. In fact, up to 85% of the prison population in fact have addiction and mental health issues.

The tug on our hearts for those and prison kept getting stronger and stronger, and then we were approached and  asked if we would go along with a group from another church in town to give our testimonies. The leaders of the group know our stories, and thought we could really give hope to the inmates. So we agreed to try. We filled out the paperwork to get cleared to go in, and waited for what we knew would be a rejection letter saying that we were a security risk. Because of our addiction backgrounds, we both have criminal histories, and my husband was actually IN the prison 16 years ago that we were going to visit. Surely that HAD to be a security issue. We waited,  and were given the word that we were CLEARED by the department of corrections to come in for prison ministry. I was floored. God was opening doors that logically shouldn't have been open. We took that as a very clear sign that God wanted us to go and share our stories of hope and freedom through Jesus to a group of men who have lived lives very similar to ours.

It was obvious that God wanted us to go. But, as anyone in ministry knows, the devil was not going to let it go out without a hitch. First, our applications got lost, and we had to send them in two more times. Then, we weren't able to find a babysitter for our son, so we had to drive 3 1/2 hours one way to drop him off with family for the weekend. On top of that, it was made VERY CLEAR that we HAD to have a valid state issued I.D. during check in at the prison, or we would not be allowed in. The day before, I made sure that my I.D. was in my purse so that we would be all set to leave at 5:30 A.M.  In the morning, as we were getting ready to leave to grab some quick breakfast before the trip, I double checked my purse, and low and behold, my I.D. was gone. My husband and I ripped the house apart looking for it. Two minutes before we had to meet with the ministry team to leave, we still hadn't found it. I started crying and told my husband to go alone, because there was no way they were going to let me in. He responded that he wasn't going to leave me, because we are a team. He grabbed my birth certificate, social security card and marriage certificate as well as my college I.D. in a desperate hope that they would let me in with that, and said that we would have to trust God to get me in.

We met up with the ministry team, who was taking everyone on their ministry bus up there. We followed in our car, in case I couldn't get in and we had to leave early, or so that I would have somewhere to sit outside of the prison while the rest of the team was ministering. Once we were about a block away from the prison (after an hour and a half), Ben noticed that there was a purse in our back seat. It belonged to an addict that we had taken somewhere the day before, and had been over at our house. He told me that maybe I should check her purse, just in case she had taken the I.D., in one last ditch attempt to try and get in. I opened her purse, and I didn't find my I.D., but I DID find a baggie with white residue on it. I smelled it, and realized it was heroin. I said "Ben, look at this!", and he started freaking out. He said "Oh no, you have to go past the drug dogs in prison and now you have heroin residue on your hands! They are going to hit on you and think you are trying to smuggle stuff in!" JUST GREAT. Now there was ABSOLUTELY no way I was getting in. We pulled over, I threw the baggie away, and I scrubbed my hands in the bathroom, desperately praying that all of the smell came off (WOW- is the devil SCANDELOUS or what? He will do ANYTHING to try and stop God!)

We finally got to the prison, and the crew got checked in and went through the metal detector. My husband went up, he showed them his driver's license, and then he gave them my papers and went into the story about how I had lost my I.D. that morning. The very unfriendly looking guard glanced at the papers skeptically, looked at my husband, and then said "are you SERIOUS?" My heart sank. No way was this going to work. The fact that they had even let us in there with our backgrounds was pushing it, but now I was trying to come in with no identification? Oh well, at least we tried. But then, he looked at me and said "do you REALLY think that I am going to check you that hard when you are coming in here to do ministry? We did an extensive background check. You're good."

I couldn't believe it. God had literally opened the prison doors for us to be able to go in.

That's when the true excitement started. We were really here- and it was obvious that God wanted us here. I knew that something amazing was going to happen in that prison that day. Little did I know just how amazing it would be. We met with the Chaplin, and he gave us a rundown on how things were going to go, what we could and couldn't do, safety protocols and so on. There were three inmates there when we got there. I thought "well, at least there's three! These are the three that are supposed to be here!" Slowly, though, they started filtering in, and we ended up with at LEAST 80 men in there.

We started with prayer followed by praise and worship. The worship left me absolutely astounded. These men in prison- a dark, hopeless place that some of them were never going to come out of- these men who had absolutely nothing, had lost their freedom, their families, all of their material possessions- were praising God with a fire and passion that I have NEVER seen from a congregation during a Sunday morning church service on the outside. Shouting, raising their hands, jumping up and down- their voices booming, arms raised, with no fear of what anyone thought of them. They were worshipping God with their entire hearts and complete abandon. These men who had NOTHING but Jesus were satisfied with it- while those of us that have everything we need and then some sit in pews on Sunday and can't be bothered to raise our hands and worship God. It made me ashamed of Christians on the outside that are SO blessed in many ways, yet are no where near as in love with God as these men that are alone behind prison walls. We complain so much when we are so blessed, while these men are ecstatically grateful just because God gave them breath and broke their chains- even though they're in prison. They were free from any spirit of religion. They were worshipping God for who he is, not because they needed to make sure that people saw them in church.

After that, we had a morning of teaching and testimonies by the ministry crew. My husband and I were giving our testimonies after lunch, so we really got to enjoy the morning and bask in the light of God that was shining in that place. During the break, there were multiple men that came up to my husband that knew him from when he had been in prison 16 years ago, and they were so grateful that he was there. Most people who leave prison don't come back. He, however, knew that the impact of his story- that he had been in the EXACT seats that they were sitting in, could resonate with them in a way that other people's stories couldn't. The look of hope on their faces were soul melting. That my husband not only came back to minister to them- but was coming back a Godly, married man who God had redeemed by totally turning his life around, giving him a second chance at being a father, and using his past for GOOD for others who are going through the same thing was something that they absolutely needed to hear. He was there to tell them that their stories aren't over. In fact, it was just the beginning. Just like it was for him. To hear someone give a testimony is one thing, but to have KNOWN someone and then see the changes in them speaks louder than words.

During lunch, we ate the prison food and ate WITH the trustee prisoners. They all shared their stories about how they got to prison, and how they had come to find God. These men were nothing short of AMAZING. You could see that God was using them as a light in the prison for those who were still lost. They had so much hope. Such a stark comparison to Christians on the outside- Christians whose hope in God gets dashed when a prayer isn't answered the way they want it to be. Christians who go through the motions of being a Christian but won't be bothered to live it out outside of church.  Christians who seem like the walking dead compared to the fire that is within these men. It was truly a humbling experience. I can honestly say, some of the greatest Christians that I have ever met are currently incarcerated. The ones that society labels as "bad", have a leg up on Christians on the outside.

My testimony was the second to last session of the day. As I got up and walked to the podium, I scanned the room. I looked- REALLY looked- into the faces of all the men staring back at me. I have given my hour long (condensed version!) testimony dozens of times in front of people, but I really wanted to connect with these guys. Men are hard to read as it is, but men in prison- where emotions are even LESS acceptable than for men in society- are really hard to read. I honestly wasn't sure if my testimony was going to have an impact on them. I knew they would be able to relate- but I wasn't sure if it would actually emotionally get to them. I needed to connect with them emotionally so that they knew just how lost I was before I found Jesus. How much of a hard case. How desperate. How out of options. I needed them to know so that they could see themselves in my story, and see themselves in the hope in my story that I found in Jesus. Sometimes, people can get so used to pastors and ministers and teachers giving bible studies and sermons that they can tune them out. Especially if they feel like they haven't been through the same amount of junk. I remember before I was saved, thinking "yeah, of course God saved you, Mr. Preacher man. What, did you say a cuss word once when you were 16? That's easy to forgive. But when you do the sort of things I have done- the things drug addicts do- that's a different story. It's hard to believe that God wants anything to do with that." I needed to let these guys know that I had been exactly where they had been, and that God did in fact want something to do with THAT. That he wanted something to do with them. If I could be saved and forgiven, anyone could.

 

 

When I started speaking, I am positive that they thought I was a "church person." A good person who had grown up in the church and was just coming to share the love of Jesus with them. I started off telling them how I just graduated college, have a family, do outreach ministry, and have a pretty good life now. But, I told them, it wasn't always like that. I was in the hell of drug addiction for years before Jesus saved me from it. I then went into my hour long testimony about where I came from, what my life was like before God, how desperate and broken and lost I was. I talked about all of the things I had done, all of the people I had hurt, all of the crimes I had committed. I talked about all my failures, all of the people who gave up on me, and how hopeless I was. I laid my soul bare, with no pretense, no hiding any part of me, no covering things up to look like a good Christian. For me, the power of my testimony is in the gory details. It's in the story of just how awful I was, so that the contrast can be seen to what Jesus has made me. It's letting people know that I was the worst of the worst, and that there is hope for them. It's showing people that you are never too far gone or have messed things up to the point where God can turn your life into what he wants it to become. That is my husband and I's calling, and why we are able to tell people about all of the junk in our pasts- because that is where God's glory is seen. The darker it is, the brighter the light shines. We tell people about our darkness so that they can see how different things are in the light.

 

I scanned the audience again as I finished my testimony, and saw at least ten men crying. When it ended, I was given a standing ovation by all of the prisoners. I was surprised, to say the least. Afterwards, I had many of the men come up to me and shake my hand and talk to me and thank me for coming, talk about how it related to their lives, how it gave them hope, and about how their situations were similar to mine. A HUGE (6;5!)guy came up to me, thanked me, and told me that I had both of the guys next to him crying, and that it was quite a feat since they were "hard dudes" (his words, not mine!). The Chaplin came up to me and asked if I would ever be willing to come back and speak with an AODA group, because my testimony had cracked them. It had gotten through the walls that they have spent so much of their lives building. God used my story to show them that there is hope for the hopeless. There is freedom for prisoners. To show that God loves drug addicts and criminals just as much as the person who has been good all of their lives or the pastor that preaches every Sunday morning. He redeems and forgives and restores and empowers no matter what you have done. It is never too late.

 

The ministry team walked out of the prison doors that day, and we went back to our normal lives- but I have not been able to stop thinking about those men. About how they touched me, and about how God had used me to touch them- and what a humbling experience it was to be able to be used to spread hope. I broke down into tears of joy and gratitude when I started thinking about when all of the horrible, painful, loneliness of my past was happening- I didn't understand it and thought that God didn't care. But walking into that prison and seeing God use that same painful past to help someone else reminded me that He was there with me all along, even when I didn't know it. Knowing that I didn't go through it for no reason- but to help others- reminds me of how good God is and how blessed I am to be loved by Him. Knowing that I once lived in the darkness, but now I help bring God's light to the darkness, just floors me. God is good, He is faithful, and He is there through it all. I am humbled, and I am in awe of His goodness and His ways- and I can't wait to see where He will have me going next. 

My Hubby's Surprise 50th Birthday party!

My gorgeous Hubby at his surprise 50th birthday party!

 My husband Ben has thrown me two surprise parties this year. One was for my birthday, and the other one was less than a month later for my college graduation. I can say, without a doubt, that I was totally and completely surprised. My husband has never had a surprise party in his life. No one has EVER been able to pull it off for him. He notices everything and pays too much attention to details. It's hard to get things past him. I was determined to throw him a surprise party for his big MILESTONE birthday though, and I refused to accept defeat. Especially since he made a comment a few weeks ago that I couldn't pull of a surprise party. Anyone who knows me knows that I take comments like that as a challenge to prove people wrong ;)



Two of Ben's centerpieces. Filled with Hot Tamale candy and Hershey Kisses =) There were balloons tied onto them but the kids had hijacked by the time I had gotten around to taking pictures;)

 The biggest problem for me was figuring out WHEN to throw his party. Our schedules are so crazy that it is hard to schedule anything- let alone a surprise party. We had tentative plans to go camping with his brother the week I decided to plan the party, but I didn't know until the last minute if we were going or not. We had numerous crisis this week as well, and a lot of the plans we had to do thing as a couple got put on the backburner in order to help people. Things change so quickly in the type of ministry we are in that planning anything (and actually being able to go through with it) is quite a feat. So I had to come up with some way to plan him a surprise party that I knew I could get him to NO MATTER WHAT. Now, if there's one thing I know about my husband, it's that he makes a point to keep his commitments to ministry engagements. This Friday, three days before his actual birthday, there was a worship outreach concert being held in a local park, and they were specifically reaching out to drug addicts. My husband and I were scheduled as guests. And I knew I had the perfect spot for his party. I knew he would make a point of showing up, regardless of where the circumstances of the day brought us. We were going to throw his party DURING a ministry event, so I could be sure he'd show up!
                                                                                                              

                      

Arriving at the park. In the first picture, he is starting to realize what is going on. In the second picture, he's sure of it, as our friend carries his lit birthday cake towards him. In the third picture, he uses all of his lung power to blow out the fireball that is created when you have 50 candles lit on a cake simultaneously =)

I could have never pulled the whole thing off without my Co-Conspirators Jessica and Malissa from CROSSroads. We spend days having secret party planning meetings, going on shopping trips where they took everything home with them in their cars so Ben wouldn't see party supplies in the house, coordinating facebook event invites and ride schedules and menu items. Jessica even baked Ben a GORGEOUS German chocolate birthday cake with Pecans and homemade frosting- because there was no way I was going to be able to hide a sheet cake in the house!On the day of the party, they left and set everything up at the park, brought all of the food, and reserved the tables while Ben and I were getting ready to leave for the concert. And Ben never suspected a thing. Imagine that- a bunch of female drug addicts being able to sneak around , plot and hide things in order to have their purposes prevail. Talk about harnessing your powers for good now instead of evil!

                   

        

Ben's amazing German Chocolate birthday cake- and him cutting it with the Cake Lady herself ;)

 The look on my husband's face was worth every second of planning, of plotting, of running around. He was truly surprised, and I am so thankful that I could do something to make him so happy. He deserves it more than anyone I know. He is so self-sacrificial- always putting others before himself,
putting his needs last, and adjusting his schedule to meet everyone else's. He gives and gives of himself and expects nothing in return. He always makes sure that everyone else realizes how important, special, and valuable they are to God- and it's important that he always remembers that about himself as well. He has been such an enormous blessing in the lives of others, and the least we could do was make sure that he was blessed for his 50th birthday.

                                    

                 

Ben speaking with some guests and opening up his FAVORITE birthday gift (courtesy of yours truly)- the SECOND set of the Star Wars Trilogy movies on both blu ray and DVD to go with the first set of trilogy movies that I got him for father's day- now he owns all 6 on 12 discs and looks like a kid in a candy store!

I m so honored to be the bride of this amazing, Godly man. I thank God every day for him bringing Ben into my life and blessing us with a beautiful family and amazing ministry. I am so grateful that Ben is even standing here. He shouldn't be- he should have died in his addiction, but God knew what he was doing. As horrible as it was, I am so thankful that God allowed him to go through his addiction. It taught him empathy, compassion, and how to depend on and seek God in a way that is unheard of for most people. He was in such utter darkness that it allowed him to see the light of God in all of its glory. The light shines the brightest in the darkest places, and it's in the dark places that you see just what the light is capable of. He knows that he is nothing without God, because he has been nothing without God. His addiction allowed him to make mistakes in his relationships with significant others and children that he was in turn able to learn from and be sure he didn't repeat with me and Justin. His addiction enabled him to find out what matters in life, and that everything is meaningless if it's not done for the glory of God. It gave him a heart for the broken- because he was broken. He has compassion for the lost and hurting, because he knows what it feels like to be in their shoes. And- last but not least- it prepared him to deal with me and my craziness. He is a much better person coming out of addiction than he was before he went through it. Addiction can turn out to be a blessing if you hand if over to God and allow him to fill your broken places that the drugs couldn't. If you give God the same priority as the drugs, you will have a mind-blowing relationship with him and be sold out to him in a way that religion could never make you. And that's our hope for every addict we come into contact with at CROSSroads- that they will see that no matter how far gone, how hopeless, how desperate the situation- no matter the mistakes, the past, or the damage left in their wake- God holds true to his promises that he will work it all for our good (and the good of others) if we allow him to. We can be much better people on the other side of addiction before we went in. My husband is living proof of that.

Are we having fun yet???

                                                   
All in all, things ended up going off without a hitch. For a good portion of the day we were worried we were going to have to cancel because we were experiencing severe thunderstorms, but God heard our prayers for the rain to stop and granted our requests for the rain to stop (oh, the little ways that God lets you know he loves you! He cares about every little detail- even it being dry on your special day!)

A deck of cards made into a book from Justin and I. Each card has a reason why we love him, and there's 50 of them.

 To make it even better- my hubby got to listen to a two hour worship concert after his party! Who else is special enough to get a live band at their birthday party? ;) Plus, we got to bring community awareness to the cause that is near and dear to our hearts and our lives' mission- drug addiction, and the fact that there's freedom in Christ. I know that there is no other way my dear husband would rather spend his birthday. Surrounded by people he loves, preaching the gospel, and seeing the broken restored. That's who my husband is. And that's why I'm so grateful for his birth 50 years ago.


Concert after the party, and my husband and I along with other members of the recovery community being introduced to the crowd. 

Here's to 50 more!