We used to sit where you are sitting now.

My husband and I being prayed over and anointed by the Pastors.

This weekend, my husband and I went back to our home church, which is comprised of restoration homes for drug addicts. This is the church that saved both of our lives years ago. The church where we were given freedom from our addictions. The church where we met Jesus. The church where our lives changed forever. The church where we were blessed beyond our wildest dreams. The church where we learned how to love God, ourselves, and others. The church where we learned to fight spiritual warfare.The church where we met each other. The church where we commissioned, appointed, and anointed. The church that, spiritually, will always be home. 

My husband praying over a brother in the home

We were asked to speak at a discipleship class they had on Saturday, and my husband was asked to preach the message on Sunday. We make trips to our former church often- usually at least once every six weeks- to visit.  However, this weekend was especially astounding and amazing. The spirit of God was moving in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. Sometimes in the hum drum of daily life, our closeness with God can wane, and we can lose our awe of Him. We can turn God into something normal and boring instead of something awe inspiring and supernatural. Our relationship with him can become routine, and we can start to put God in a box.  We can stifle His ability to move, because we are too busy with our to-do list in life to allow him the time to do what He desires to do.

Me praying over one of our CROSSroads' girls

Well, He busted out of the box this weekend. We took some of our friends and ministry partners down with us this weekend for the discipleship class on Saturday and the service on Sunday. Something told us that something BIG was going to happen this weekend, and that we needed to invite others down.  It was so amazing to watch our friends experience the powerful presence of God that is unique to an outreach ministry this weekend. When you have dozens of hurting, broken addicts crying out to God to restore them, asking for forgiveness, singing praises from the heart instead of from a hymn book, and allowing their bondages to be broken, God shows up in a way that is indescribable- and different from anything they have ever experienced in "normal" churches.

Altar call

You see, there is no spirit of religion here. The people at this church either are or were so broken, so desperate, so hungry for God- that they could never, EVER make the mistake of believing that they are good enough on their own. That showing up to church on Sunday is enough. That all that needs to be done in a Christian life is to show up to church once a week, and go to the same bible study with the same group of church ladies for fifteen years.  That they have it together, and God can serve as an afterthought. They are not "weekend warrior" Christians. They are reminded every day that their life literally depends on God, and walking away from him can mean death. They are totally and utterly dependent on him, and know that He must saturate their every thought and action if they are going to be able to live without going back to drugs. Taking God for granted for even a minute can mean the difference between being sober and being an addict again.

Deliverance service

When you get a group of people like that together with a moving message and the presence of the Holy Spirit, amazing things happen. Powerful things. Things that I can't even begin to describe. The presence of God was so powerful this weekend, that I was crying through a good portion of it. People were being slain in the spirit, repenting, praying for each other, speaking in tongues, praising. What was supposed to be a two hour service on Saturday turned into a six hour service courtesy of Pastor Clay being moved by the spirit, and what was meant to be a two hour service on Sunday turned into a four hour deliverance service after the message. There were no time limits, rules, or itinerary. God was allowed to move in the way that He wanted to, and He did not disappoint.

Us praying as a couple

This weekend revitalized me in so many ways. So many times we can get so busy doing ministry, that we forget to spend time with God. So many times we can get confused that doing ministry and talking to God is the same thing. It' s not. We can start to base our relationship with God on what we are doing for him- like the Pharisees. Our relationship with God needs to be our FIRST priority in life- above our ministries, above our marriages, above our children. We need to remember that without Him, we are nothing and can do nothing. It was so beautiful to have a head on collision with my first love this weekend. To remember what caused me to fall so passionately in love with him in the first place. To remember where He found me, how He picked me up, and how He has redeemed my life. To be reminded of the awe and wonder I had for God when I first got saved, and He was first beginning to revealing himself to me. How I sought Him with all my heart, mind, and soul. He revealed himself in the same powerful way this weekend.

This weekend was also a reminder to us why we do what we do. Ministry can get very discouraging and very tiring. You sacrifice so much of yourself to help people- your time, your money, your heart- just to see many fail. You spend months praying and interceding and advising, just to have someone throw it all away and go back to drugs. You spend time running around, picking them up, and driving them to church services and meetings, just to have them quit in the end. You come to deeply love these people, you grow so close to them and get your hopes up that they will finally "get it" this time, just to have them turn away from you, or slander you, or accuse you of things.  So many times you come to the brink of wanting to quit- of asking what the point is. You can begin to wonder if you are doing any good at all, and question why God is having you do it at all.

The prayer team laying on hands

This weekend reminded us what the point is. For others to be able to experience what we have-freedom from addiction and a head on collision with God- is worth every sacrifice. For even ONE person to be able to experience God the way that we have, makes it ALL worth it. I don't want anyone to miss out on God changing their lives, and if I can be a messenger of hope, that is what I will do. I think about everything He has done for me, and what He wants to do for others. I think about where we were when God found my husband and I ( sitting in the EXACT same seats as the people we were preaching to this weekend), and how far he has brought us. He has healed and redeemed everything in our lives, and blessed us in unimaginable ways. I know he wants to do the same for others, and it is our duty to let them know that. In fact, as I write this, my husband celebrates 13 years TO THE DAY that he first walked into Milwaukee Victory Church, came to know Jesus Christ, and has been free from drugs. Thirteen years of depending on God, and being an inspiration to those who are sitting in the seats he sat in. The power of that testimony is something that can touch even the coldest hearts.

Slain in the spirit

I hate the fact that we don't have this kind of experience in Marshfield. God is so boxed in, and addiction still has a stigma to it. But's it's coming. Hard core drug addicts that have been saved by Christ's power and grace are going to be where the next revival comes from. Not just in Marshfield and Milwaukee- but in the whole country. Those who are forgiven much love much, and drug addicts have been forgiven of SO much that they can't help but be grateful to God for it and want to tell others about the good news. When you have transitioned LITERALLY from the dark side of hell into the light and goodness of Christ, your transformation speaks volumes to those around you. Your testimony shares the true hope and power of Christ. Your testimony changes lives, and inspires others to share theirs and what God has done for them. That's how fires get started!

The Victory Church Pastors and ministers- Howard, Les, Ben and Clay.

My husband and I were incredibly blessed to be able to do just that this weekend. We spoke to those sitting in the same seats in the restoration homes that we sat in ourselves for so many years. Those who are hurting so desperately that they have finally surrendered to God. We came back to share the message that we have been where they are, and that there is hope. That God has a plan for their lives, and they are not there by accident. That if they will just stick it out and allow God to work on them, he will transform their lives into ones that are unrecognizable from the one that they had in their addiction. If he did it for us, he will do it for them- and my husband and I were some of the worst of the worst. When you have been the "worst of the worst", you give others who are "the worst of the worst" hope that God can change them too. I remember when I was younger, that many Pastors tried to tell me that Jesus forgave me. I never took them seriously, because I thought "sure, he can forgive YOU, because you probably haven't had so much as a speeding ticket in your life. But what about ME and what I have done? SURELY he can't forgive THAT."

My husband and Pastor Clay- the speakers for the weekend.

However, when I walked into Milwaukee Victory Church in 2008, I was met by a Pastor (Pastor Cano) who told me that God forgave me. The pastor himself had been a heroin addict for over two decades, a leader of the Latin Kings in Chicago, a criminal. Hearing HIM say it, and witnessing how God had transformed his life, gave me hope for the first time that maybe God really could love me like he had loved him. He was a lowly drug addict before Christ as well, yet God had blessed his life miraculously and done wonderful things through it. To hear someone with a similar past as mine being wanted by God was a novelty. THAT was the first time I ever thought maybe God would give me a chance. That is the first time I ever gave God a chance. That is why my husband share our stories- so others realize that God will give them a chance as well.

My husband preaching

1 Timothy Chapter 1:

¹² I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. ¹³ Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. ¹⁴ The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

¹⁵ Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. ¹⁶ But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.
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God will use the most horrible pasts to speak to people. God wants to let people know that your good works, your good deeds, being a "good person" won't save you. ONLY giving your life completely to Him can do that. A former addict, gang banger, and prostitute who has surrendered to God will have far more of a blessed life than a "good person" who isn't sold out for God can ever try- or dream- to. Jesus longs to have a relationship with each and every one of us- good person or not. Come as you are, and he will transform you into what he intended for you to be. THAT is what needs to be preached. That is what we preach. I think so many times churches do a huge disservice to the unsaved by acting like they have it all together. Acting perfect. Judging. Not talking about their struggles and issues. It gives people the impression that they have to have it all together and not have struggles and sin in order to come to church or to be accepted by God. They can't relate. When you put on a front of being a perfect Christian, the heroin addict with a needle hanging out of their arm who just robbed a gas station can't relate to you, or to the God that you preach.

Look in the Bible. Who did Jesus choose as his disciples? They were murderers, tax collectors, prostitutes- broken people. He didn't go into the synagogues and choose the religious scholars or the people who kept all of the laws. The people who put on a front of perfection.  Have you ever wondered WHY? Why did God himself choose a rag tag gang of misfits that were outcasted by society for their sin, instead of the "good people" with their theology degrees?

Pastor Clay, Pastor Les, and my husband

It's because that Rag Tag gang of misfits KNEW they were bad. They knew they weren't righteous. They knew that they COULDN'T be righteous on their own. When Christ appeared to them, they hung onto him with all of their might, because they knew it was only by his power that they could ever be made right with God. The religious scholars and Pharisees felt that they already were right with God because they were so "good". God can't work with people who won't rely on Him because they are too busy relying on themselves. Not only that, but the religious Pharisees lacked love. They judged. They acted why God was hanging out with THOSE people. They thought of themselves higher than others. The rag tag gang thought humbly of themselves, because they knew what they had been before Christ. They had compassion and empathy for sinners, because they had been there themselves. They loved the lost, because they had been the lost. They didn't expect perfection, but they knew Jesus alone could perfect.

My husband and I speaking to the congregation

                                         

1 Corinthians 1:27 says "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." It's not the religious scholars, the "good" people of the world, or the morally superior (the people who are "strong") that God is going to use, but the weak things- addicts, liars, cheaters, murderers, the lost- people that "religious" people look down on, to show the "wise" of the world that they are nothing without Jesus. An addict who has given their life to Christ and is on fire for God can do more than a dead religious person ever will. God is speaking- he wants people to recognize that sitting in church does you know good if your life isn't being transformed, and you're not teaching others about Christ so theirs can be transformed as well. We are the foolish- the unlikely, the undeserving, the ones that were counted out. The ones no one would choose to do God's work. Yet, GOD chose us- to speak to those who have also been counted out, judged, and cast aside. The ones who aren't perfect. The ones that can only relate to people who admit that they are- and have never been- perfect either.

To be able to offer hope to those sitting in the homes was such a blessing. I remember when I was in the restoration home, and people who had been there before came back and talked about what God had done in their lives. They were now pastors, spouses, parents, productive members of society, healed. I remember wondering if maybe, just maybe, God could do the same thing for me. They gave me hope to stick it out, and to trust in God. I could relate to them, and I knew that I wasn't being judged, because they had been in the same seat I was sitting in. I am honored and humbled that we have been allowed to do the same for someone else.

My husband, our good friend Charles, and my mother in law, Lucy

Sunday, while my husband preached, his mother was sitting in the audience. She had such pride in her eyes as she watched her son- the son that she once thought was lost for good- preach the word of God and offer hope to people who are where he once was. The son that once was dead was alive, and speaking life into others. The son who once stole and lied and cheated was instead teaching the word of God, and using his story to help others with the same pasts. How healing it must have been to see that redemptive power of Christ in her son's life. I have a son, and I can only imagine. I cry just thinking about it. God truly is the restorer, healer, and redeemer of all things. He will use everything that we go through for good- either for us or for someone else (Romans 8:28).

After Sunday morning service, the leadership (pastors and ministers) of the church went out and enjoyed a fellowship meal at the Olive Garden. I was so blessed to experience such a powerful weekend in God's presence with these awesome men and women of God who have come to know God the same way my husband I and I have. They were broken, lost, addicted, and destitute, and God is using them to do amazing things in the kingdom. I am in awe of God and how His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways. How He took what the devil meant for evil in every one of our lives, and is using it for good- to give hope to those sitting in the same situations we were once in. To show his undisputable power through their changed lives. No one can argue with a testimony. When God changes you from an addict, a thug, a prostitute, a liar, a cheater, an evil person- into a man or woman of God, people KNOW that God is real. There is no other way it's possible. None of us should be alive right now, but God kept us, redeemed us, and transformed us for His kingdom's sake. To speak to the people in the seats where we once sat. To let them know there is hope, and that nothing is to hard for God.

Anointed and commissioned

When the weekend was over, I didn't want to leave. The presence of God was so intense, no one in their right mind would ever want to leave. It felt so good to be home. To go back to where it all started, and remember what God has done- and is yet to do. To recall how Jesus raised us from the dead, and gave us a new life.  But, He has a plan. We are all one body in Christ, and there are big things getting ready to happen in the Kingdom of God. I am just so humbled to be included in it.

Trusting God in the big things and freaking out over the little things.

Being married to someone who has severe, chronic health problems has tested my faith more than just about any situation I have been through in life. I have been through a lot in my life, but the constant battle of fear, hope, peace, and dismay has never been so intense as it has been on my husband's health journey. I have wrestled through the questions of why my husband remains sick. God's word says that He is a healer, and that nothing is impossible for Him- even curing diseases and health problems. I have wrestled through the questions of WHY God hasn't healed my husband yet. He may never heal him, if it's not His will. That was a hard pill to swallow. However, I have come to terms with the fact that if God has allowed this into our lives, there is a reason for it. I know that God is good, and I know that he has a purpose in everything He allows into our lives- even if it isn't orchestrated the way I would want it to be. This week had me holding onto that belief with every ounce of my being. It has also made me love my husband more than I ever have. It has also shown me quite a lot about myself, and how it is very easy for me to depend on God for the big things, but I tend to depend on myself for the small, everyday ones.

The day after we got back from vacation, my husband went to a regularly scheduled doctor's appointment. While there, he started having bad chest pains and trouble breathing. His doctor sent him to the emergency room, and they admitted him to the hospital. The next day, they announced that they would be taking out his current pacemaker and putting in a newer, more sophisticated, heavy duty one. They had talked about putting in this new pacemaker a few weeks ago when he was in the hospital, but with the most recent hospitalization, the urgency of getting a new pacemaker became apparent. With two hospitalizations for heart problems within the last month, they figured that they couldn't wait anymore. I am so thankful for intelligent doctors and the lifesaving work they do!

Honestly, when he called me and told me that he was going in for surgery, I was sick to my stomach. So many thoughts flooded my head. I have watched way too much Grey's Anatomy and House episodes- and just about everything that had gone wrong in surgery on those shows flashed before my eyes. I was really, really, tempted to freak out. But then I felt a peace come over me. A peace that can only come from God. He reminded me that he is nowhere near done with my husband and I yet. I know that deep down in my heart, but the reminder helped me to put things into perspective. Nothing was going to happen to my husband during his surgery, because God still has plans for him. BIG plans. I knew it. I just had to stay focused on that thought instead of letting my mind wander to places it shouldn't be going. Freak out inducing places. I didn't have time to have a breakdown when I was dealing with something of this magnitude- especially when I turned around and saw my three year old little boy staring up at me.

A friend of mine came and stayed the night with me the night before his surgery. She was here when I got the call. She watched me with anticipation, waiting for the freak out moment that never came. Instead, I started crazily cleaning my house. Cleaning everything- and then re-cleaning everything. I could feel her watching me- waiting for me to break down, to cry, to freak out, to start screaming. But I just.... cleaned. I almost think that if I would have freaked out it would have been less awkward for her. I'm sure it looked like I was just shutting down. You know- before people snap, they are usually calm. Calmness in these types of situations weirds people out, because it isn't expected.

You see, I normally am a freaker-outer. My friend that witnessed my frantic cleaning knows that about me as well- which is why it was probably awkward to her that I wasn't having a breakdown. Faith is not really my strongest spiritual gift (but it is my husband's- his motto is that no matter what happens, it will be okay). I freak out over little things. If my plans get disrupted. If we are late for something. If the house doesn't stay clean. If my Judge Judy doesn't record. If I get a lower grade on a test than I thought I was going to get.  Stupid things. Things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Things that pale in comparison to your husband having heart surgery. That's what I freak out about. So you would think I would REALLY freak out about big things like a doctor cutting into my husband's chest to put a device into his heart. I expected myself to freak out too.

Then I had a realization. My husband has been through a lot of hospitalizations since I have been with him, and honestly it was probably only the first time that I freaked out. All of the rest of the times, I have been surprisingly peaceful. One time (ask him about it- he is very happy to tell the story lol) he was having chest pains and I told him to go to the pharmacy to check his prescription interactions. There was no panic, no "let's rush to the hospital- you could be DYING!"  How is that possible when I can't maintain my peace when my Judge Judy episodes get messed up? When I score less than what I desired on a test? When there are socks in the middle of the floor? Yes, it is only made possible by the peace of God, but why can't I channel that peace into my DVR?  It makes no sense.

I started thinking about it, and realized that the reason I don't fly into a panic about the big things is because A) I shut down to protect myself from being hurt as I have had too many people die on me already and can't afford to let my head go there B) I KNOW there is nothing I can do to change the big things like death, and C)  I HAVE to trust God in the big things, because they are totally out of my hands. Sometimes in the little things, it is hard to remember that God is there, that He is in control, and that he cares. We have an illusion of control when it comes to the DVR or the cleanliness of our house. Those are small enough things where WE can fix them, so it is easy to freak out when they aren't going as planned because we feel like we should be able to exert power over them. Like they are our responsibility. That freaking out will motivate us to do what we are supposed to be doing to make things right. However, when it comes to a family health crisis, it is never more obvious that we have absolutely no control over the situation. We MUST depend on God, because HE is the only one who can do ANYTHING in those big situations. As much as we try, wish, hope, or do- sickness and death are totally out of our hands. So why freak out? We are powerless (we are actually powerless when it comes to the DVR and the house to a degree too- but it's much harder to convince ourselves of that).

When life is so crazy and scary and out of control, it forces us to turn to the one who is. We don't fight to make things better because we know that God is the only one who can. We don't freak out because we know that it will do absolutely no good in comparison to the size and scope of the problem that we are dealing with. There comes a point where we know that all we can do is turn to God and desperately pray that He will fix the situation. Things like this really knock you to your knees and force you to a surrendering point. You realize just how NOT in control you are, and you have to trust that God's purposes will prevail. You have to hold onto that thought- especially if the outcome isn't what you wanted or were expecting. We HAVE to trust God in the big things- in the God sized things. He is the only one big enough to handle them.

I know this because of the life I have lived. I have had horrible, tragic things happen in my life and been in situations that were far and above my ability to change. In each of these situations, God brought me through the other side, He brought good out of them, and he revealed to me just how powerful he really is. I know that God shows up in the big moments- even when they are dark and painful and seemingly hopeless. I have been down that road with Him too many times to count, and he never disappoints. The little things, though- those are harder. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the concept of God showing up to somehow use my lost Judge Judy episodes for good. It is easier to get lost in the small, everyday things and believe that we are the ones who are in control. That we don't need God to fix it because we can. There is no false sense of self-sufficiency when it comes to the big things. We realize that He is God and we are not, and that there is no sense in freaking out because His purpose is going to prevail whether we like it or not, and without our input.

My husband got released from the hospital yesterday, with a shiny new pacemaker. All was going well (he even ventured out to bible study), and then he started bleeding from his chest. A lot. And his blood was THICK. His incision site started to swell, and he said he needed to go to the hospital. He went, and this time I was alone- with my three year old sleeping in his bedroom. Maybe I would freak out this time now that there were no witnesses.

Well, I was peaceful enough that I fell asleep on the couch watching Judge Judy episodes (oh the irony!), and received a call at midnight from a friend of ours that works at the hospital. She let me know that they had to take Ben back into surgery, because there was internal bleeding somewhere or a slow leak in his heart. THAT was a scary thing to hear. I'm not even going to try to lie. But again, what could I do about it? I prayed and prayed and asked God to heal my husband and give the doctor's wisdom. I clung to what I KNEW- that God is good, that He is my husband's protector, and that he is not finished with him yet. Still, my mind was trying really hard to veer into territory that it shouldn't. I tried to imagine life without my husband and I couldn't. I kept telling myself that God knows the plans He has for BOTH of us, and that I need to accept that whatever the outcome may be, God would be there, and that He knows what He is doing.

I woke up this morning to a call from my husband telling me that the surgery was, in fact, to remove three blood clots that had formed under his incision next to his heart. They did emergency surgery to cauterize them, and they were keeping him at the hospital for a few hours for observation and then sending him home. I so wanted to scream "they should just keep you for the next 4 weeks (his recovery time) so they can protect you from this happening again!" But again I was reminded who is really in charge. Doctors and nurses are great, but in the end God is the one whose will prevails. He will protect my husband ~ whether in the hospital or out. I know He loves my husband enough to guard his life. If I trust that He is good, faithful, and loving, there is no need to freak out.

He is good, faithful, and loving. Even when my Judge Judy episodes don't record. Learning that is the tricky part. Surely if I can trust him with my husband's life, I can trust him with my DVR. Giving up control of the big things are easy- but to a control freak, the small things are hard. The illusion of control is much harder to destroy when it's things we believe we are self sufficient at doing. I am slowly learning that God is all sufficient in EVERY situation, and that on my best day, I am a miserable failure at running my universe- even if that universe only consists of controlling the wayward socks that seem to make their way onto my living room floor and getting my DVR box to record. It's good to be reminded that we make horrible Gods, and that we sometimes push God aside when it comes to things that we think we can handle without Him. Even when we think we know better, or that we would work out a situation differently- it's important to remember that there is a reason that God is God and we are not. When we think that we can control things better than God can- and freak out in the process- there is something wrong. Sometimes it is harder to recognize God in the small, mundane stuff. Maybe that's why God allows the freak outs over the lost Judge Judy episodes. So it's glaringly apparent how truly insufficient we really are without Him. How could I possibly think I could protect my husband's life better than God when I can't even manage my DVR?  It's a lesson I'm slowly learning.  Hopefully I don't have to sacrifice too many more Judge Judy episodes to fully learn it.

My husband right out of surgery with his shiny new pacemaker.

God calling.....

I have spent the past two days compiling a report of what God has done though our ministry since the time we launched it 9 months ago to now. This report was requested by the Pastor of our church that supports CROSSroads because he wants my husband to read it at the church business meeting in two weeks so that the congregation can begin to understand what God is doing through CROSSroads- and why they should care. Everyone knows who we are, and everyone knows that the aim of our ministry is to reach out to those who are addicted that DON'T know Jesus yet and let them know that he loves them, they are worthy of that love, and that despite how they feel- they haven't traveled so far from him that he won't take them back.  However, most people do not realize what goes on behind the scenes or just how intense this ministry is- that we undergo intense spiritual warfare, that we are on call 24 hours a day to pray for people, that we open up our home to addicts who are detoxing because there is nowhere else for them to go in the area to do it- that this is not just a once a week for a couple hours a night small group ministry, but that it is a round the clock, 24/7, full time ministry on steroids. There are so many lost, hurting, broken, people in this town that are being held captive by drugs and alcohol that are need freedom- and not nearly enough help available for them. We are standing in the gap in whatever ways we can and having faith that God will bring an answer soon.

While writing this report, I couldn't help but stand in awe over all that God has done through this ministry in the past nine months. All of the testimonies and transformations that we have seen in the past nine months are mind blowing. We have seen people healed from addiction in amazing ways that they never thought possible, as well as seen many drug addicts give their lives to the lord and confess him through water baptism. My heart just sings that these wonderful souls that had long ago resigned  that they would never amount to anything more than a drug addict are seeing God's glory revealed in their lives and seeing themselves as HE sees them. I know all too well the loneliness, the horror, the desperation and depression that come with addiction, and to be released rom that by the grace of God and to have a hope and a future is indescribable. Redeemed drug addicts truly cherish their redemption because they know just how unworthy they are of it. While no one is righteous, people who have been forgiven of a great deal realize just how much of a gift the forgiveness is.

Luke 7:36-50 (ESV)

One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with [Jesus], and he went into the Pharisee’s house and took his place at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he answered, “Say it, Teacher.” “A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.” Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven--for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

I am amazed at God and his work in these addicts' lives and I feel so blessed to be witness to it and honored to have a call on my life to be used to bring the gospel to this demographic of people. However, that wasn't always the case.

I was a drug addict for many years, and I finally found God at my "rock bottom" during a stay during a Christian restoration home and church in Milwaukee. The pastors, leaders, and congregation of the church were entirely made up of drug addicts. If  that hadn't been the case, I am positive that I would have never stayed long enough to allow God to work on me. I had always felt so judged and condemned by "church people" for being a "druggie" that you couldn't have paid me to walk into a church service, no matter how desperately I may have wanted to. The fact that these people had been where I had been gave me comfort that they wouldn't judge me, and the fact that they had come out of it not only alive but prospering and being used by God to help other people gave me hope. That is the reason I stayed. I surrendered my addiction to God, and he healed my there in Milwaukee. It was a long process, but slowly I saw 2 Corinth8ians 5:17 manifest in my life- "Any man who is in Christ is a new creation, the old has passed away, all things have become new." The lost cause, hopeless, worthless, outcast drug addict identity that I had held about myself for my whole life was wiped away and replaced with my new identity in Christ. It took a long time to realize that the carnage and chaos of my past didn't have to be my future. "But, I know the plans I have for you says the Lord- plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) became my life verse, and gave me the hope I needed to turn my back on what I had been and walk into what God wanted for me.

That was, until, God wanted to use me- and not in the way I wanted him to use me. My aspiration in life was always to be a professional with a white house with a picket fence outside and a couple of kids. I thought that once God had "cleaned me up", he would certainly bring those dreams to pass. After all, doesn't the bible say "I will give you the desires of your heart?" Well, those were my desire. His plan was something totally different. He told me that he wanted me to lead the female addicts in Milwaukee- and it was confirmed when the pastor blessed me in as the director of the women's home in front of the entire congregation, without letting me know or asking me first. I didn't want to be a director (which now I am guessing ins why God told him to do and not ask my permission first) - I wanted to get clean enough and learn enough about God to become stable, and then get out and have a normal life like everyone else.  Instead I ended up staying in Milwaukee for another 2 years as the director. I gave up many things- I had no money, I couldn't see my children during that time, I wasn't allowed to work, or to go anywhere on my own, or to go to school- my full time job was to do what God had told me to do and help the women that he brought in off of the streets of Milwaukee. And I did. I sacrifice, but I gained so much. I saw lives transformed, I learned about spiritual warfare, I listened to great bible teaching everyday by wonderful men of God, I learned how to be humble, I learned how to control my emotions, how to be selfless, how to submit, how to do a bible study, how to love people without wanting anything in return, how to fast, how to have discernment, how to listen to God. My time in the home taught me things that I would have never been able to learn any other way. It was a spiritual boot camp that prepared me to be a soldier for God. God's plan for my life had a purpose, where my own plan was purely for my comfort. His will for my life was so much better than what I had planned for my own (In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps- Proverbs 16:9)

There came a time, however, when I decided that I truly did want a normal life. My husband and I (who I met in the Milwaukee ministry) decided we were going to leave the big city and move to central Wisconsin, get regular jobs, and have normal lives. We honestly were really burnt out on ministry, and figured that we had "put our time in" and paid our dues to the homes. We had done enough ministry to last a lifetime- and surely God saw that. After all, some people NEVER do any ministry, and we had done tons. We both had our minds made up that we were done with ministry. So, off we set to have our "regular" life in Marshfield Wisconsin. My husband had a full time job, I was in school full time, we took care of our son, and we went to church on Sundays. Like normal people. And we liked it that way. But then, God began showing us things. That there was a huge drug problem up here, with young women, who were addicted to the same thing I had been. That the hospital in town shut down their alcohol and drug rehabilitation unit, and that there were no detoxes for people to go to who were trying to get off of drugs. That people were robbing the town pharmacy for Oxycontin, and that people were overdosing and dying in bathroom stalls at Walmart. WHY was he showing us this? Surely so we could tell someone else that they should do something to help these people! After all, we were done with ministry! Maybe we were just there to recognize the problem, and suggest ways that someone else could fix it. So we sat back. And did nothing. And God kept showing us things, and we waited for someone to come up with a solution. We tried to ignore it, and prayed that God would help these people. Surely we didn't have to do it again. We had given up enough. We had paid our dues. We were done.

But we weren't. And we knew it. Our move to the middle of the state to get away from ministry work wasn't very successful. God put it in our face to the degree that we knew he was calling us to be some of the people that helped- whether we wanted to our not. We had to. I felt like Jonah- wanting to run and not do what God said. But one day God told me that if I turned my back, and watched these addicts die when I had a way to relate to them and let them know about God who would save their souls, then everything I had gone through in my life was for nothing. All of my years of being addicted, coupled with all of my years of being in the restoration home in Milwaukee, had been training. Training to reach out to people who weren't being reached out to- not because people didn't want to reach out to them- but because they didn't know how to. They couldn't relate. Unless you have lived that hell, you do not understand. I did. I had survived that hell and come out the other side with God, and to waste that- to not give people that hope- and let them know that it is possible- would be a tragedy. The bible says that we will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. Well a silent testimony doesn't have much impact . God was once again telling me to use my story for good. That through doing that, he would redeem the years that I had lost to addiction, by giving them back to someone else. People didn't have to go through what I had gone through, as long as I had gone through it.

So we gave in. We stopped fighting God. We said we would do it. If he wanted to use us- we would go. But it's hard. This is a messy ministry- not the type of ministry people usually volunteer for.  I have realized that I am not volunteering to do anything, but I am called to do it. And honestly, I think you have to have a calling on your life specifically for this type of ministry to succeed in it.  God has equipped me to do this. It is easy to offer to be used by God when it's on your terms, and he will use you the way you want him to. But what about when it's in a way that's an inconvenience to you? Or tiring? Or emotionally draining?  There are no cushy office chairs or paychecks or days off or office hours that come with this. We are in the frontlines, dealing with the messy stuff that people usually have mostly taken care of by the time they start going to other ministries. We are dealing with broken people, and sometimes we get cut on the pieces. The things that go on in this ministry do not fit into my son's nap schedule or my school schedule or my plan to what my life was supposed to be like. BUT, it is so worth it, and I would never have it any other way. One person finding Jesus and being released out of the hell makes every ounce of sacrifice worth it. I am so privileged to be able to have a front row seat at what God is doing, and witnessing amazing people emerge from what was once just a shell of themselves.  I imagine where I would be if the people at Milwaukee Victory Church hadn't sacrificed themselves the same way for me. I asked my husband awhile ago why some people can walk away from ministry and never do it again, while we tried to get away and couldn't. We realized it's because when we got saved, we told God that we gave him our life- and we meant it. This is what he chose to do with it.

So, I say all this to say that if God has a calling on your life, don't fight it. Don't worry about if it's what you want to do or feel equipped to do or dreamt of doing. Your calling is not for you. It's for the people you are called to help though it. From my experience, a true calling on your life is almost always going to be scary and something you don't want to do at first. But that's a good thing. That's how you know it's God telling you to do it and not yourself trying to force yourself into it because it fits your criteria. All of the old testament prophets fought with God about not wanting to prophesy (many ran), Moses told God he had the wrong guy, and even Jesus asked God to "let this cup pass from me." Many times we don't feel equipped to do what God is calling us to do. And we're right. We aren't equipped. But he is. And through him, we will be also. So if Johan taught us anything- don't run. Because a true calling by God will chase you down anyway. And in the end, you will be so happy that it did. So walk in it now, in the direction that God is leading, and let him fulfill your purpose.

"For God's gifts and his calling are irrevocable"- Romans 11:29