The Ministry of Misfits

The past few months have been an extremely hard season for me, my husband, our family, and our ministry. People betrayed us. People turned their backs on us. People deserted us, abandoned us, and left when we needed them most. We had to break fellowship with people we have been connected to for decades. We began to question why we do this, and if we are still supposed to be doing this. We began to feel alone. Like we were the only ones who cared about the addicts that are dying in the street- dying without knowing Jesus. The devil did his best to destroy us. To make us give up. To walk away. To turn our back on ministry. To throw in the towel.

BUT GOD had another plan. A week and a half ago in North Carolina, we held a 3 day crusade with 3 other ministries. God showed up and showed out! People were healed, delivered from drugs, demons were cast out, people were slain in the spirit, people left speaking in tongues- filled with the Holy Ghost. The presence of God was so heavy that everyone who walked into that place left changed. Including myself. Things that we, and all of the people that we brought with us, would have never experienced if we would have given into discouragement and walked away. Little did we realize then, but we felt so out of place because God was shifting and positioning things. Change was happening- and change hurts. God was taking our will- and what we thought should or would be happening- and was instead making things work for His purposes.

For months, my husband and I have been feeling out of place. Like we don't belong. Like no one  really, truly understands what we go through in ministry. We have felt so unsupported, so misunderstood. Like we were the only ones fighting to keep this thing going, and questioning if maybe we weren't supposed to keep it going at all.

Proverbs 3:5 tells us to not lean on our own understanding, but to trust in the Lord with all of our hearts, and He will direct our paths. Very wise advice, but much easier said than done. Our flesh wants us to lean on our own understanding, on our own logic. We always want to know how things are going to turn out, what the future holds, why things are happening the way that they are. But if this weekend has shown me anything, it's that Isaiah 55:8 has become my new life verse- "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways" declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than that earth, so are my ways higher than your ways."

You see, little did I understand then, but God was working His perfect will together through the rejection, through the abandonment, through having to cut people out of our lives, through feeling detached and alone. You see, EVERY single pastor that was in North Carolina had been feeling the same way. They had had the same exact things happen to them and their ministries. They had people turn their backs on them, betray them, they had to walk away from people. They had felt alone and detached too. What we thought was people, was actually God orchestrating things for His purpose. God used that detachment and loneliness that was brought on by people in ministry hurting us to bring all of us together. He separated all of us for HIS purpose, not ours. He used what we had been going through to connect us with each other. To allow this crusade and revival to happen- and for the many more to come.  What we thought was people kicking us to the curb, was actually GOD positioning us where we needed to be, and removing people from our lives that would hinder His plan, so that HE can move through us as a ministry team the way that HE needs to- with no constraints, no looking towards the approval of people, no boxing in the Holy Spirit. And in order for that to happen, He had to remove all of us from where we were at, to take us to where we needed to be- and He loved us enough to make sure that people who would hinder or hurt us and what God wants to do didn't come with us.

So here we are. A rag tag gang of misfits being used by God to make a difference in the lives of the lost by preaching the gospel. Being a misfit has given me enormous sympathy and love for other misfits- the outcasted, the unloveable, the rejects, the addicts, the gangbangers, the prostitutes, those who don't fit in with "proper" society. I have a heart for misfits. And so does Jesus. His entire ministry was built on misfits. He preached to lepers, prostitutes, murderers. He was not in the synagogues preaching to the Pharisees and the "proper" people of society- because not only did He
come to heal the sick- and those who knew that they needed God rather than resting in their own righteousness and good works- but He (God Himself!), was a misfit and not accepted by the Pharisees. He knew what it was to be rejected, to be abandoned, to be mocked, to be looked down upon, to be talked about, to be persecuted.

You know where else I have heard about a rag tag gang of misfits? In the new testament. The disciples of Jesus Christ- the disciples Jesus himself called- were misfits of society. God Himself did not recruit the religious elite for His crew.  Instead, He chose what was despised in this world to shame the pride of the haughty (1 Corinthians 1:27). A shady tax collector, a violent radical named Simon, two very arrogant hotheads named James and John, those who held non-elite jobs and thus weren't seen as "worthy" in their society (fishermen), and a violent Jewish thug who persecuted, imprisoned, and helped murder the very early followers of Jesus -Saul of Tarsus- formed the inner circle of our sinless God.  If Jesus had chosen the Pharisees or Jewish rabbis to be his followers, we might have reason to doubt the unconditional nature of salvation. We might question our own worthiness or ability to win His approval or beckon His attention. But the fact that Jesus chose men such as the disciples shows that the heart of God is not swayed by human convention. No one is beyond the reach of God’s grace.

Throughout history, God has always used the least likely and the most unqualified to provoke change. The Bible is full of misfits—those who usually lost out on man's approval but always won with a God-dreamed vision. They are the ones man overlooks but God notices and plucks from obscurity.
God almost always chooses the one who wouldn't get picked to be on man's team to be an all-star on God's team (Prov. 15:25).

It is the misfits who know that we are, without a doubt, nothing without God. We know that there is no good in us at all without Jesus. We know that through our own righteousness (what a joke!) and good works, we can do nothing. Peter and John healed a man, and when the Pharisees and High Priests brought them before them to be questions, the bible says, "When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus."- Acts 4:13.

What made these unqualified, misfit servants of Jesus stand out as they went about preaching the gospel was not who they WERE but who they KNEW. The message of their lives said these men had been with Jesus, and they (and everyone else!) understood that without God's intervention in their lives, they were simply unqualified fools. They were feared by the religious and powerful, because they never relied on themselves to do anything. Their entire reputation was one that made others sit up and say, "These guys have been with Jesus!" - because everyone knew it couldn't be done through their own righteousness- since they had none! Their lives showed the power of God to all- just hearing about former murderers, tax collectors,  thugs, and the non-socially elite and uneducated healing people in the name and power of God pointed people back to Jesus- because everyone knew that these things couldn't be done out of their own human power- because of how screwed up they had been!

Being a misfit is a constant reminder to me, and the people I do ministry with, that we are nothing without Jesus, and can do nothing without His power. We are well aware at how powerless and screwed up we were when He found us and saved us. It is those who God has saved out of the deepest pits that understand just howmighty He really is, and how powerless we are on our own. The addicts and prostitutes and murderers and liars and gang members and thieves who have head on collision with Jesus and become set free and transformed are aware of just how powerful God's hand really is, and just how far He is willing to reach to accept us back to Him when we repent and surrender. Misfits are able to minister to other misfits- the ones who haven't been accepted into mainstream churches, the ones who need someone to go to THEM and tell them about Jesus.

God is awakening the misfits and the unqualified. Purity is the backbone of authority, and authority is determined by brokenness. It is brokenness that keeps us from exalting ourselves in pride but rather be humble, it deepens our compassion for other's suffering and have our heart break for them the way Jesus' does, it causes us to become dependent on his mercy, provision and grace since we can't accomplish anything on our own in our broken state. In brokenness, we become desperate and surrender with all our might to the only one we know can heal us. We get to know God much better in the pit than we ever will on a pedestal. God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).  The spiritual depth of the does not come from degrees on the wall or memberships in prestigious God clubs but from the classroom of brokenness. God has always confounded the wise. He calls forth the available, no matter how misfitting they are.

And I am proud to be one of God's misfits, no matter what the world may think.

2 Corinthians 3: "Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? ² You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. ³ You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.⁴ Such confidence we have through Christ before God. ⁵ Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. ⁶ He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."

Falling apart or falling into place?

The past month has been a trying and emotional for our ministry and our family. We have been getting spiritually attacked like crazy. The warfare is intense. We expect it due to being in a front line ministry where souls are being saved and literally crossing over from darkness to light- but it is not fun to go through, especially when you are being relentlessly bombarded to the point that you feel like you can't even come up for air. When there is no breathing room, no time to catch your footing. No time to rest and recuperate and prepare for the next battle.

My husband and I have had a lot of attacks in our personal lives. Attacks involving our relationships, our health, our lives, our property, our children, our friends, our hope, our determination, our beliefs. Attacks that have tried to make us question the future, question if what we are doing is worth it, question why God is allowing everything to seemingly crumble around us when we know we are walking in his will. The past month we have felt very much like Job at some points. Job, who in the bible, lost everything due to Satan's attacks. His wife, his children, his health, his home, his land- everything.

I, personally, have spent a lot of time the past month questioning why it is that we are burning ourselves out trying to help people while others are content to just sit back and watch them die. There are SO many hurting and broken addicts in our community who desperately need God's love. People know that there is a problem. The churches know that there is a problem. Yet, every day I watch as another addict ignored, overlooked, or forgotten about by Christians. Addicts who Jesus loves and is desperate to save are given a back seat on the priority list of Christians who are so wrapped up in their bible studies( with the same people who have been going to them for fifteen years), youth group outings, PTA meetings, kids soccer games, and coffee dates with friends. People are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't be bothered to notice that there are people literally dying right in front of them. The great commission is in front of their faces, yet they have better things to do. Saving the kiss and saving the whales and vying for gmo free food are all worthy causes, but if you are looking past the broken soul right in front of you to focus on it, there is a problem.

Now, don't get me wrong. PTA meetings and youth groups and bible studies and all that are wonderful. They are all great things. I am not trying to put down any of it. I am just coming from a place of desperation, a place of loneliness, where sometimes it seems as if we are the only ones that are fighting for these people. The only ones that don't have better things to do. The only ones that don't have an option of making them an option. God won't allow us to, and sometimes it gets overwhelming and very, very discouraging when it seems like no one else cares. It is hard for my heart to wrap around the fact that there are people who don't see souls as a priority in the way that we do.  I just want to scream from the top of my lungs for people to wake up. Don't you realize that these souls matter? That your bible study can wait, but they could very well be dead tomorrow? That God has put them in front of your face for a reason- and it's not so you can pretend they aren't there? That they are not meant to be an afterthought- and maybe you will think about praying for them after you are done with all of your PTA meetings, youth group outings, and coffee dates- if you remember?

I am not trying to bash the church. In fact, I absolutely adore my church, and most people have been very welcoming of the addiction ministry that we run. I am just frustrated for the people that we minister to. I know the hurt and pain and rejection of feeling that no one cares, and that you're not worth their time. My heart breaks for them, because I was there at a point in my life, and I know how it hurts.  The fact is that as Christians, we should be the FIRST people offering to help addicts. They should be able to see and feel the love of Jesus in us. They should feel accepted in a way that they have never been in society, because Christians are supposed to be different and demonstrate the unconditional love of God. We are supposed to love the out casted and the broken. These people have spent their entire lives being treated as if they don't matter. As if they should just die off. That they aren't important and no one cares about them. That their lives are no more important than a PTA meeting. The love of God is the ONLY thing that will ever be able to change that. And until they get to know God for themselves, we need to be His hands and feet that bring that love to them. You see, as Christians, we are supposed to live our lives as living sacrifices- for God and for others. Our own wants and needs should not be on the top of our priority lists. If every Christian could lay their lives down for others, we wouldn't have so many lost and broken people in the world.

My husband and I make that the goal of our ministry. To love addicts even if they are still using and even if they are hard to love. To show them that Jesus loves them no matter where they are or what they have been doing. That they are a priority to Him. That they matter. But, sometimes we get tired. Really tired. We take on so much, and when we have a month like we just had, it takes everything within us to keep going. Sometimes when the spiritual warfare gets so intense and we look around and see that we are fighting alone with no backup, we want to quit. Sometimes we get so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained that we do quit. For about a day- then when a need arises and someone needs help and we see that no one else is stepping into fill it, we come our of our 15 hour retirement, and push aside the rest we desperately need. We just cannot sit back and watch people hurting and not take action- God compels us to. Sometimes we wish we had people to help us carry the load. People to stand beside us, to pray for us, to offer encouragement, to be our friends.  People to show the addicts that they care, too. Everyone can't do addiction ministry, but everyone can do something to help. Even if it's just acknowledging them on Sunday morning, even if they are stumbling down the aisle high. Heck, invite an addict with you to your PTA meetings and bible studies. Show them that they matter. Show them Jesus.

Because we can't do it all. There are so many addicts- and they have so many needs- and we are only two people. And sometimes when we are getting pummeled by life, we need someone to help lift us up, so we can continue lifting up others. We need people to care about the hurting and broken people in front of them, and offer to show love to them when we can't. When we are empty and need to pull back and be filled by God, we need to know that there is someone there willing to take over showing the love of Christ to these people. We can't operate under the assumption that we will do it later- when the PTA meetings are done with, when youth group is over, when the soccer season is done. Because for many of these addicts, by that time, it will be too late.

What makes all of this so much harder in the Job times is that SO many times we have given our all to people, just to have them drift away from God or back into addiction in the end. We spend months and years pouring our hearts into addicts, taking them under our wings, praying for them, becoming friends with them, helping them in any way we can, making them part of our family, giving up our lives for the sake of theirs- and many times they end up throwing it all away.

That is just par for the course for this ministry. The nature of addiction is wicked. Satan does not let people go easily. He fights tooth and nail to get their souls back, and sometimes he wins. It is so hard to see someone you love go back to their addiction. Someone you had hopes for. Someone who you thought finally may have gotten it. Someone who has tasted the goodness of God, and knows He is real, yet choose to go back to the destructive life the enemy has for them. It is easier to get an unbelieving addict to give God a chance and for them to turn away from drugs than it is to get back someone who has been freed and healed of their addiction by God and then willing go back to it. Because at that point, they are ignoring the voice and conviction of God, and that is dangerous territory. If they ignore it long enough, pretty soon they will not be able to hear it anymore. An addict who decides to give their life to Christ does so in search of the truth, and He is compassionate to have grace and mercy for them and their ignorance before they knew the truth. An addict that goes back to addiction after knowing Christ already knows the truth, and are just choosing to ignore it. Once you start doing that, it becomes easier and easier to ignore the truth, until you finally end up so caught up in the enemy's deception that you are as far away from God as you were before you got saved.

Many times we know it's coming. We can see if from a mile away, and God will begin to show us that people are starting to pull away from Him. However, that never makes it any easier. You still feel blindsided. You still wonder what else you could have done. You still wonder what would have happened if someone besides you were trying to help them. We are fools for hope, and we were taught to NEVER give up on anyone, because you never know when God will work with someone. But, when people start to drift away from sobriety and God, many times we have to back away from them not only for the safety of our own sobriety, but in order for them to fall and hit a bottom that makes them desperate enough to turn back and surrender to God. And that is a hard, HARD thing to do when you care about someone.

It is ALWAYS hard when that happens. It's hard to watch, because we know what the end result will be, but Satan has so blinded their minds that they will no longer here the truth. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. But it's even harder when we are going through a Job season, and it seems like everything else is crumbling around us. When our world seems to be falling apart, and no one is noticing. When the devil whispers to us to curse God and die.

But it is during these times when we have to fix our eyes on Jesus all the more. When we need to focus on things above, not on earthly things. When we need to rest in the fact that God knows what He is doing, and that somehow he will use all of this to work for our good. That He will send people to help, that he cares about the people that we are fighting for, and that we are not in this alone. He is right there with us. and He has it all under control, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment. We need to focus on the fact that God has indeed blessed us with amazing friends and an amazing church family, and that He is positioning things in our favor. That as long as we are obedient to what He is telling us to do, He will fight for us, if we will only be still.

Circumstances will make you give up if you focus on them. That's what the Devil wants us to do- to focus on everything that is going wrong and doubt God's goodness and sovereignty. We can't save anybody. No one can save anyone but God alone. The devil wants me to look at the fact that it seems like no one cares, as if hope should rest in people. It doesn't. And I need to remember that.

The thing is, the story of Job seems really depressing and hopeless-  until you get to the end. God made everything right- in fact, he made it better than before Job went through everything he went through. I have seen God do it numerous times in my own life, and the lives of others. He will never fail, and He will never leave of abandon us. He won't leave and abandon the addicts that are dying. If the people who he places them in front of won't help, He will send someone who will. He can soften hearts and redeem and restore all things. He has this under control. And when we come out the other side, we will be refined as gold- as long as we don't let the circumstances discourage us.

I do know, that God will always give us enough encouragement to keep us going, even when we want to give up. I was feeling down about people in our ministry drifting away, relapsing, and going to jail. Then this Sunday I turned around and behind me in church was the first woman who ever walked into CROSSroads. I hadn't seen her in about six months, and I cried tears of joy when I turned around and saw her face. The next day, another one of our girls that had been in jail for months got released, and she is doing better than ever. He let me know that even if sometimes it feels like we aren't making a difference, we are. Even if no one is helping us, God is fighting for us- and that's all we need. Even if it is ONE soul that meets Jesus because we reached out to them- that is enough, and it makes it all worth it. None of it is wasted. Sharing Jesus with people is never a waste, and he will take the seeds that were planted and do the miraculous with them- even if we don't see it right away. That's why we don't quit. That's why we can't quit. Because even one addict's life matters to God.

There is a Casting Crown's song that says "your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place, I'm on the throne, stop holding on, and just be held".  What looks like things falling apart to us is usually God rearranging things to how they should be for his purposes, but many times we can only see that He was working all along in retrospect. My prayer is that God grants me the strength to live out that belief, even in my Job moments.

We used to sit where you are sitting now.

My husband and I being prayed over and anointed by the Pastors.

This weekend, my husband and I went back to our home church, which is comprised of restoration homes for drug addicts. This is the church that saved both of our lives years ago. The church where we were given freedom from our addictions. The church where we met Jesus. The church where our lives changed forever. The church where we were blessed beyond our wildest dreams. The church where we learned how to love God, ourselves, and others. The church where we learned to fight spiritual warfare.The church where we met each other. The church where we commissioned, appointed, and anointed. The church that, spiritually, will always be home. 

My husband praying over a brother in the home

We were asked to speak at a discipleship class they had on Saturday, and my husband was asked to preach the message on Sunday. We make trips to our former church often- usually at least once every six weeks- to visit.  However, this weekend was especially astounding and amazing. The spirit of God was moving in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. Sometimes in the hum drum of daily life, our closeness with God can wane, and we can lose our awe of Him. We can turn God into something normal and boring instead of something awe inspiring and supernatural. Our relationship with him can become routine, and we can start to put God in a box.  We can stifle His ability to move, because we are too busy with our to-do list in life to allow him the time to do what He desires to do.

Me praying over one of our CROSSroads' girls

Well, He busted out of the box this weekend. We took some of our friends and ministry partners down with us this weekend for the discipleship class on Saturday and the service on Sunday. Something told us that something BIG was going to happen this weekend, and that we needed to invite others down.  It was so amazing to watch our friends experience the powerful presence of God that is unique to an outreach ministry this weekend. When you have dozens of hurting, broken addicts crying out to God to restore them, asking for forgiveness, singing praises from the heart instead of from a hymn book, and allowing their bondages to be broken, God shows up in a way that is indescribable- and different from anything they have ever experienced in "normal" churches.

Altar call

You see, there is no spirit of religion here. The people at this church either are or were so broken, so desperate, so hungry for God- that they could never, EVER make the mistake of believing that they are good enough on their own. That showing up to church on Sunday is enough. That all that needs to be done in a Christian life is to show up to church once a week, and go to the same bible study with the same group of church ladies for fifteen years.  That they have it together, and God can serve as an afterthought. They are not "weekend warrior" Christians. They are reminded every day that their life literally depends on God, and walking away from him can mean death. They are totally and utterly dependent on him, and know that He must saturate their every thought and action if they are going to be able to live without going back to drugs. Taking God for granted for even a minute can mean the difference between being sober and being an addict again.

Deliverance service

When you get a group of people like that together with a moving message and the presence of the Holy Spirit, amazing things happen. Powerful things. Things that I can't even begin to describe. The presence of God was so powerful this weekend, that I was crying through a good portion of it. People were being slain in the spirit, repenting, praying for each other, speaking in tongues, praising. What was supposed to be a two hour service on Saturday turned into a six hour service courtesy of Pastor Clay being moved by the spirit, and what was meant to be a two hour service on Sunday turned into a four hour deliverance service after the message. There were no time limits, rules, or itinerary. God was allowed to move in the way that He wanted to, and He did not disappoint.

Us praying as a couple

This weekend revitalized me in so many ways. So many times we can get so busy doing ministry, that we forget to spend time with God. So many times we can get confused that doing ministry and talking to God is the same thing. It' s not. We can start to base our relationship with God on what we are doing for him- like the Pharisees. Our relationship with God needs to be our FIRST priority in life- above our ministries, above our marriages, above our children. We need to remember that without Him, we are nothing and can do nothing. It was so beautiful to have a head on collision with my first love this weekend. To remember what caused me to fall so passionately in love with him in the first place. To remember where He found me, how He picked me up, and how He has redeemed my life. To be reminded of the awe and wonder I had for God when I first got saved, and He was first beginning to revealing himself to me. How I sought Him with all my heart, mind, and soul. He revealed himself in the same powerful way this weekend.

This weekend was also a reminder to us why we do what we do. Ministry can get very discouraging and very tiring. You sacrifice so much of yourself to help people- your time, your money, your heart- just to see many fail. You spend months praying and interceding and advising, just to have someone throw it all away and go back to drugs. You spend time running around, picking them up, and driving them to church services and meetings, just to have them quit in the end. You come to deeply love these people, you grow so close to them and get your hopes up that they will finally "get it" this time, just to have them turn away from you, or slander you, or accuse you of things.  So many times you come to the brink of wanting to quit- of asking what the point is. You can begin to wonder if you are doing any good at all, and question why God is having you do it at all.

The prayer team laying on hands

This weekend reminded us what the point is. For others to be able to experience what we have-freedom from addiction and a head on collision with God- is worth every sacrifice. For even ONE person to be able to experience God the way that we have, makes it ALL worth it. I don't want anyone to miss out on God changing their lives, and if I can be a messenger of hope, that is what I will do. I think about everything He has done for me, and what He wants to do for others. I think about where we were when God found my husband and I ( sitting in the EXACT same seats as the people we were preaching to this weekend), and how far he has brought us. He has healed and redeemed everything in our lives, and blessed us in unimaginable ways. I know he wants to do the same for others, and it is our duty to let them know that. In fact, as I write this, my husband celebrates 13 years TO THE DAY that he first walked into Milwaukee Victory Church, came to know Jesus Christ, and has been free from drugs. Thirteen years of depending on God, and being an inspiration to those who are sitting in the seats he sat in. The power of that testimony is something that can touch even the coldest hearts.

Slain in the spirit

I hate the fact that we don't have this kind of experience in Marshfield. God is so boxed in, and addiction still has a stigma to it. But's it's coming. Hard core drug addicts that have been saved by Christ's power and grace are going to be where the next revival comes from. Not just in Marshfield and Milwaukee- but in the whole country. Those who are forgiven much love much, and drug addicts have been forgiven of SO much that they can't help but be grateful to God for it and want to tell others about the good news. When you have transitioned LITERALLY from the dark side of hell into the light and goodness of Christ, your transformation speaks volumes to those around you. Your testimony shares the true hope and power of Christ. Your testimony changes lives, and inspires others to share theirs and what God has done for them. That's how fires get started!

The Victory Church Pastors and ministers- Howard, Les, Ben and Clay.

My husband and I were incredibly blessed to be able to do just that this weekend. We spoke to those sitting in the same seats in the restoration homes that we sat in ourselves for so many years. Those who are hurting so desperately that they have finally surrendered to God. We came back to share the message that we have been where they are, and that there is hope. That God has a plan for their lives, and they are not there by accident. That if they will just stick it out and allow God to work on them, he will transform their lives into ones that are unrecognizable from the one that they had in their addiction. If he did it for us, he will do it for them- and my husband and I were some of the worst of the worst. When you have been the "worst of the worst", you give others who are "the worst of the worst" hope that God can change them too. I remember when I was younger, that many Pastors tried to tell me that Jesus forgave me. I never took them seriously, because I thought "sure, he can forgive YOU, because you probably haven't had so much as a speeding ticket in your life. But what about ME and what I have done? SURELY he can't forgive THAT."

My husband and Pastor Clay- the speakers for the weekend.

However, when I walked into Milwaukee Victory Church in 2008, I was met by a Pastor (Pastor Cano) who told me that God forgave me. The pastor himself had been a heroin addict for over two decades, a leader of the Latin Kings in Chicago, a criminal. Hearing HIM say it, and witnessing how God had transformed his life, gave me hope for the first time that maybe God really could love me like he had loved him. He was a lowly drug addict before Christ as well, yet God had blessed his life miraculously and done wonderful things through it. To hear someone with a similar past as mine being wanted by God was a novelty. THAT was the first time I ever thought maybe God would give me a chance. That is the first time I ever gave God a chance. That is why my husband share our stories- so others realize that God will give them a chance as well.

My husband preaching

1 Timothy Chapter 1:

¹² I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. ¹³ Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. ¹⁴ The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

¹⁵ Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. ¹⁶ But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.
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God will use the most horrible pasts to speak to people. God wants to let people know that your good works, your good deeds, being a "good person" won't save you. ONLY giving your life completely to Him can do that. A former addict, gang banger, and prostitute who has surrendered to God will have far more of a blessed life than a "good person" who isn't sold out for God can ever try- or dream- to. Jesus longs to have a relationship with each and every one of us- good person or not. Come as you are, and he will transform you into what he intended for you to be. THAT is what needs to be preached. That is what we preach. I think so many times churches do a huge disservice to the unsaved by acting like they have it all together. Acting perfect. Judging. Not talking about their struggles and issues. It gives people the impression that they have to have it all together and not have struggles and sin in order to come to church or to be accepted by God. They can't relate. When you put on a front of being a perfect Christian, the heroin addict with a needle hanging out of their arm who just robbed a gas station can't relate to you, or to the God that you preach.

Look in the Bible. Who did Jesus choose as his disciples? They were murderers, tax collectors, prostitutes- broken people. He didn't go into the synagogues and choose the religious scholars or the people who kept all of the laws. The people who put on a front of perfection.  Have you ever wondered WHY? Why did God himself choose a rag tag gang of misfits that were outcasted by society for their sin, instead of the "good people" with their theology degrees?

Pastor Clay, Pastor Les, and my husband

It's because that Rag Tag gang of misfits KNEW they were bad. They knew they weren't righteous. They knew that they COULDN'T be righteous on their own. When Christ appeared to them, they hung onto him with all of their might, because they knew it was only by his power that they could ever be made right with God. The religious scholars and Pharisees felt that they already were right with God because they were so "good". God can't work with people who won't rely on Him because they are too busy relying on themselves. Not only that, but the religious Pharisees lacked love. They judged. They acted why God was hanging out with THOSE people. They thought of themselves higher than others. The rag tag gang thought humbly of themselves, because they knew what they had been before Christ. They had compassion and empathy for sinners, because they had been there themselves. They loved the lost, because they had been the lost. They didn't expect perfection, but they knew Jesus alone could perfect.

My husband and I speaking to the congregation

                                         

1 Corinthians 1:27 says "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." It's not the religious scholars, the "good" people of the world, or the morally superior (the people who are "strong") that God is going to use, but the weak things- addicts, liars, cheaters, murderers, the lost- people that "religious" people look down on, to show the "wise" of the world that they are nothing without Jesus. An addict who has given their life to Christ and is on fire for God can do more than a dead religious person ever will. God is speaking- he wants people to recognize that sitting in church does you know good if your life isn't being transformed, and you're not teaching others about Christ so theirs can be transformed as well. We are the foolish- the unlikely, the undeserving, the ones that were counted out. The ones no one would choose to do God's work. Yet, GOD chose us- to speak to those who have also been counted out, judged, and cast aside. The ones who aren't perfect. The ones that can only relate to people who admit that they are- and have never been- perfect either.

To be able to offer hope to those sitting in the homes was such a blessing. I remember when I was in the restoration home, and people who had been there before came back and talked about what God had done in their lives. They were now pastors, spouses, parents, productive members of society, healed. I remember wondering if maybe, just maybe, God could do the same thing for me. They gave me hope to stick it out, and to trust in God. I could relate to them, and I knew that I wasn't being judged, because they had been in the same seat I was sitting in. I am honored and humbled that we have been allowed to do the same for someone else.

My husband, our good friend Charles, and my mother in law, Lucy

Sunday, while my husband preached, his mother was sitting in the audience. She had such pride in her eyes as she watched her son- the son that she once thought was lost for good- preach the word of God and offer hope to people who are where he once was. The son that once was dead was alive, and speaking life into others. The son who once stole and lied and cheated was instead teaching the word of God, and using his story to help others with the same pasts. How healing it must have been to see that redemptive power of Christ in her son's life. I have a son, and I can only imagine. I cry just thinking about it. God truly is the restorer, healer, and redeemer of all things. He will use everything that we go through for good- either for us or for someone else (Romans 8:28).

After Sunday morning service, the leadership (pastors and ministers) of the church went out and enjoyed a fellowship meal at the Olive Garden. I was so blessed to experience such a powerful weekend in God's presence with these awesome men and women of God who have come to know God the same way my husband I and I have. They were broken, lost, addicted, and destitute, and God is using them to do amazing things in the kingdom. I am in awe of God and how His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways. How He took what the devil meant for evil in every one of our lives, and is using it for good- to give hope to those sitting in the same situations we were once in. To show his undisputable power through their changed lives. No one can argue with a testimony. When God changes you from an addict, a thug, a prostitute, a liar, a cheater, an evil person- into a man or woman of God, people KNOW that God is real. There is no other way it's possible. None of us should be alive right now, but God kept us, redeemed us, and transformed us for His kingdom's sake. To speak to the people in the seats where we once sat. To let them know there is hope, and that nothing is to hard for God.

Anointed and commissioned

When the weekend was over, I didn't want to leave. The presence of God was so intense, no one in their right mind would ever want to leave. It felt so good to be home. To go back to where it all started, and remember what God has done- and is yet to do. To recall how Jesus raised us from the dead, and gave us a new life.  But, He has a plan. We are all one body in Christ, and there are big things getting ready to happen in the Kingdom of God. I am just so humbled to be included in it.

One of our biggest success stories - Malissa is a miracle!

This is a video of one of our HUGE CROSSROADS' success stories. Malissa walked into CROSSROADS a year and a half ago- and God has totally transformed her life since. Before we met her, she was addicted and lost. One of our CROSSROADS volunteers was sitting in Wood County Drug Court with another one of our girls who was being sentenced on Malissa's first day of drug court. She saw Malissa up in front of the judge, and unbeknownst to Malissa, God put it on her heart to pray for her. She silently prayed that God would reveal himself to Malissa and bring her a support system. She quietly prayed for Malissa in the back of the courtroom, and left without speaking to her. A week later, Malissa walked into CROSSROADS - a divine appointment. She didn't know God, but knew He was real that night she walked into our meeting and the lady who had prayed for her was sitting at the table and let her know she had been in court praying for her a week before. That was the moment that Malissa realized that God was real, and that He had brought her to CROSSROADS through intercessory prayer because he wanted to transform her life. Since then, she has had a total life transformation. She has been drug and alcohol free for a year and a half, got baptized, been mentored under me and my husband, serves on the CROSSROADS leadership team, and now helps others that are in the same situation she was. She is a true example of God's grace, mercy, and redemptive power- a living testimony for all to see. This week, she graduated drug court - and we were all there to cheer her on. We are so proud of her, and looking forward to what God is going to do next in her life. We know that there are many people she is going to touch with her story. We are so grateful and humbled to have been a part of it! God does heal drug addiction - she is living proof! I am proud to call her one of my closest friends!

Keep going strong, Malissa! God is going to do amazing things through you! We are so blessed to have walked this journey with you! Showing the power of God in your life to others is an incredible testament to how faithful He is, and that he truly will use EVERYTHING that we go for for good- even drug addiction. You are an inspiration to so many people! All it took was faith, surrender to God, and submitting under Godly mentorship- and you have a whole new life- one that I know that you couldn't have imagined a year and a half ago. Your life speaks VOLUMES to others about how to let God transform you, and you are truly a role model for so many people!

God is the redeemer of ALL things- including the first day of school.

The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.

Joel 2:25

   You came near when I called on you; you said, ‘Do not fear!’ “You have taken up my cause, O Lord; you have redeemed my life.
Lamentations 3:57-58

Justin with his daddy in front of the school!

I was not feeling well this morning. Not at all. However, this morning was my baby's first day of school. There was no way that I was gonna miss it- no matter how bad I felt. This is one of those priceless memories in time that you don't want to miss- because there is no getting it back.

He had a great time getting dropped off- he ran in and played with the kids like it was nothing. My husband and I walked out happy parents, relieved over the smooth transition. I'm not going to lie- I wanted to cry. My baby going to school is just not something I am ready for yet! When did he get so big?

I went about my day. Today is one of those chaotic days- moving furniture, writing 5 papers before the class they are due in at 1 pm, studying for a test at 3 pm. However, when I finally got a moment of silence to myself and had time to hear myself think about something other than schoolwork, a thought hit me like a kick in the gut. It brought both happy and sad tears to my eyes. I didn't recognize it in the bustle of the morning craziness, but God softly reminded me that today was a redemption day. A day I thought I would never see- a day I didn't think I deserved.

You see, about 8 years ago, I had another son who had his first day of preschool. I was determined to go- like any mother- and see my little boy off to his first ever day of school. However, back then, I was not any mother. I was a hopelessly addicted drug addict who didn't know Jesus. As anyone who has ever dealt with or been a drug addict knows- an addicts plans hardly ever come to fruition.

On that day 8 years ago- instead of seeing my little boy off to his first day of school, I was in a hospital getting my stomach pumped for alcohol poisoning and tons of pills that I had taken in a suicide attempt. I remember it so vividly- laying on the hospital bed, unable on my own will because they had branded me suicidal and there was a hold period, and coming out of my substance induced haze, I realized what that morning was. It was Alex's first day of school. Was I really that much of a loser that I had to screw up my kid's first day of school with my addiction? What kind of mother is that? Talk about a low point in life- that was one of them. If I was suicidal before I came into the hospital, now I really wanted to die. I always screwed everything up, and I was tired and hopeless. There was no point even trying anymore.

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south. Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them. ...

Psalms 107:1

My grandma kept calling the hospital to see if I was okay. She told the nurse that it was my son's first day of school. I remember when that nurse walked in the room, she had a look of disgust on her face that she didn't even try to hide. Her contempt for me, my disease, and my selfishness were obvious. She snarkily said "Really- it's your son's first day of preschool? You chose drugs over that? Pathetic." Then she walked out.

I wanted to scream at her, explain the situation, tell her that I couldn't help it, I was in bondage and couldn't break out, despite the good things in my life. Despite wanting to. The hold my addiction had on me overshadowed even the good things in my life, and there was nothing I could do about it. But I didn't. She wouldn't care anyway. To her I was just a junkie loser who didn't care about her kids. I could understand why she thought that way. However, I DID care- I loved my son dearly, and deseratley wanted to be a good mom, my addiction just had more power.

I went many years totally heartbroken when I thought about that memory. It is one of those moments in time that you can never get back. One of those times you look back in your life and realize just how low drugs brought you. I thought it was one of those things I would just have to live with. There is no redemption for that. You can't get it back.

Until today. Clean and sober and saved, I dropped my little boy off for his first day of preschool. So did my husband- who missed everything in his older children's lives due to his addiction too. It was a moment we thought we would never get to experience. Neither one of us ever thought God would give us another child, after the ways we failed the other ones- the way we chose our addiction over them. But we were BOTH there for every moment this morning.

Checking it out!

His locker!

When I realized what had happened this morning, I burst into tears. SO many times God does miracles, and we are too busy to notice them. What seems like a small, normal thing to most people- dropping your child off for their first day of school- is a miracle for two former hardcore drug addicts. Addicts who didn't have custody of their other children because they were a danger to them, who couldn't show up to birthday parties because they were getting high, who came to Christmas drunk and wrecked the holiday for everyone and traumatized their kids. Addicts whose children saw them getting arrested by swat teams, and who grew up without their parents fully there because they were caught up in an addiction that they couldn't get out of- until God.   I truly believe that God knows how heartbroken I have been all these years over missing this moment with my other son. He showed me today, that he truly does redeem all things. He cares, and He will give you a life beyond your wildest imagination if you let Him.

Nothing is impossible with God. No matter how far you have gone or hopeless it seems or how badly you have messed up your life, he can fix it. I promise you that. Anyone who says otherwise- I call your bluff. Because we walked our little boy into preschool today.

And through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,

Colossians 1:20-22

Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant; I formed you; you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you.

Isaiah 44:21-22

Spreading the CROSSroads message!

September is national recovery month. This is an exciting month for CROSSroads. We were just featured in an article in Converge Point magazine- a denominational magazine that goes out to about 100,000 subscribers that are members or our sister churches all across the country. You can Read the article here. (First article, page 3- called Heroin: Coming To Your Church). We are hoping that this article will help spread awareness to people within churches that while bible studies, prayer groups, and retreats for people already inside the church are great, there is an entire world of drug addicts dying out there that needs the message of Jesus brought to them OUTSIDE the church.

On top of the magazine article, we have a broadcast airing on public access television this month where myself, my husband, and fellow members of the Marshfield Recovery Task Force (such as people from Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, the police ect.) were interviewed about recovering from drug addiction, and what sort of resources are available in the community. We also have a radio interview broadcast in the middle of the month, and we are part of an event on September 22nd that is targeting the community to teach them about how to recognize addiction and drug activity in their relatives and neighbors.

ONTOP of all this, this month four area churches have banded together to host recovery breakfast each Saturday. Each breakfast is meant to educate people about addiction, treatment options, and to have them listen to testimonies of people who have been healed from addiction through Jesus. We want to spread the hope and love of Christ and let people know that HE is the answer to breaking the bonds of addiction. CROSSroads is orchestrating a breakfast at Faith Fellowship where we will specifically be addressing the vision for the Restoration Homes for addicts in Marshfield, and we will be hearing testimonies of people who have been healed by God while going through CROSSroads' program as well as the current restoration homes in Milwaukee that my husband and I came out of. You can read more about the event here.

Through all of this, we are praying that people's eyes are open to the desperate need for addiction outreach ministry within the church. There are people dying right outside of the church doors, being completely ignored while we go on with our bible studies and bridge groups. These people are valuable human beings that are loved by God, and he desperately wants to heal them. But he needs someone to spread the message that HE is the answer to them. They are not going to walk in the church doors themselves. We need to go to them. We need to be missionaries in our own town. We need to deal with the broken that are right in front of us, because to ignore it is to help them die and face an eternity without Christ.

I know that addiction ministry is scary to a lot of people. I understand. They have heard the stories about drug addicts that steal and rob and kill and abandon their children for drugs. All of these things are true and are par for the course with an addict. But these same people are often the kindest, most compassionate, brilliant, lovable people underneath the addiction. And when they have a head on collision with Christ, all of that is brought out of them. They become hardcore soldiers in the army of God, because they have led a tough life. They don't scare easily. They will be able to reach people that others are afraid of reaching out to. They will transform in ways that are truly nothing short of miraculous in front of your eyes. They just need someone to show them Jesus. To give them their testimony of hope. To love them until they learn to love themselves. To treat them like a person instead of a piece of trash drug addict. The transformations I've seen in addicts who find Jesus are honestly some of the most beautiful and rewarding things I have ever experienced in my life. This ministry is so worth it.

To reach out to the truly broken- that's what God has called us to do. Sometimes we can forget that. It's easy for the church to become a clique- a country club full of "good" people who are going to heaven. We think of missions as the starving children in Ethiopia. Yet we ignore the hurting drug addict right in front of us because it makes us uncomfortable. We turn a blind eye because we have other ministries we would rather invest our time in- easier ministries. But I am here to tell you, that if God places a drug addict in front of you, and you have the hope of Christ in you, it's because he wants you to help them. Regardless of your fear or comfort. Reach out. That one act could have eternal consequences. God will give you the strength, the wisdom, and the protection. You just need to take that initial step in obedience.

Maybe you can't be on the front lines of an addiction ministry like us. We understand. You have to be called to do this. But you can help addicts in other ways. Pray for them. Donate to causes that support and help them. We are currently praying for God to bring us a building to start our non-profit Christian based restoration home where addicts can live free of charge for 12-18 months and learn to live a life without drugs while building a foundation with God. This same type of home is what changed my husband and I's life. It has changed many hardcore drug addicts who in turn go out to help other hard core drug addicts. Because of places like this, whole communities can be changed. That's what we are hoping for Marshfield. So if you want to do something to help addicts but can't, pray for us and our building that is going to change souls. Pray about donating. Pray about volunteering. Help us to continue to spread the CROSSroads message that Jesus is in the business of taking drug addicts and restoring them and their lives in ways they never dreamed possible. That there is hope. That you are never too far from God.  That God, and people, care about them. That they are worth our time and our money. That we believe they can change. Because they can. We are living proof.

My Hubby's Surprise 50th Birthday party!

My gorgeous Hubby at his surprise 50th birthday party!

 My husband Ben has thrown me two surprise parties this year. One was for my birthday, and the other one was less than a month later for my college graduation. I can say, without a doubt, that I was totally and completely surprised. My husband has never had a surprise party in his life. No one has EVER been able to pull it off for him. He notices everything and pays too much attention to details. It's hard to get things past him. I was determined to throw him a surprise party for his big MILESTONE birthday though, and I refused to accept defeat. Especially since he made a comment a few weeks ago that I couldn't pull of a surprise party. Anyone who knows me knows that I take comments like that as a challenge to prove people wrong ;)



Two of Ben's centerpieces. Filled with Hot Tamale candy and Hershey Kisses =) There were balloons tied onto them but the kids had hijacked by the time I had gotten around to taking pictures;)

 The biggest problem for me was figuring out WHEN to throw his party. Our schedules are so crazy that it is hard to schedule anything- let alone a surprise party. We had tentative plans to go camping with his brother the week I decided to plan the party, but I didn't know until the last minute if we were going or not. We had numerous crisis this week as well, and a lot of the plans we had to do thing as a couple got put on the backburner in order to help people. Things change so quickly in the type of ministry we are in that planning anything (and actually being able to go through with it) is quite a feat. So I had to come up with some way to plan him a surprise party that I knew I could get him to NO MATTER WHAT. Now, if there's one thing I know about my husband, it's that he makes a point to keep his commitments to ministry engagements. This Friday, three days before his actual birthday, there was a worship outreach concert being held in a local park, and they were specifically reaching out to drug addicts. My husband and I were scheduled as guests. And I knew I had the perfect spot for his party. I knew he would make a point of showing up, regardless of where the circumstances of the day brought us. We were going to throw his party DURING a ministry event, so I could be sure he'd show up!
                                                                                                              

                      

Arriving at the park. In the first picture, he is starting to realize what is going on. In the second picture, he's sure of it, as our friend carries his lit birthday cake towards him. In the third picture, he uses all of his lung power to blow out the fireball that is created when you have 50 candles lit on a cake simultaneously =)

I could have never pulled the whole thing off without my Co-Conspirators Jessica and Malissa from CROSSroads. We spend days having secret party planning meetings, going on shopping trips where they took everything home with them in their cars so Ben wouldn't see party supplies in the house, coordinating facebook event invites and ride schedules and menu items. Jessica even baked Ben a GORGEOUS German chocolate birthday cake with Pecans and homemade frosting- because there was no way I was going to be able to hide a sheet cake in the house!On the day of the party, they left and set everything up at the park, brought all of the food, and reserved the tables while Ben and I were getting ready to leave for the concert. And Ben never suspected a thing. Imagine that- a bunch of female drug addicts being able to sneak around , plot and hide things in order to have their purposes prevail. Talk about harnessing your powers for good now instead of evil!

                   

        

Ben's amazing German Chocolate birthday cake- and him cutting it with the Cake Lady herself ;)

 The look on my husband's face was worth every second of planning, of plotting, of running around. He was truly surprised, and I am so thankful that I could do something to make him so happy. He deserves it more than anyone I know. He is so self-sacrificial- always putting others before himself,
putting his needs last, and adjusting his schedule to meet everyone else's. He gives and gives of himself and expects nothing in return. He always makes sure that everyone else realizes how important, special, and valuable they are to God- and it's important that he always remembers that about himself as well. He has been such an enormous blessing in the lives of others, and the least we could do was make sure that he was blessed for his 50th birthday.

                                    

                 

Ben speaking with some guests and opening up his FAVORITE birthday gift (courtesy of yours truly)- the SECOND set of the Star Wars Trilogy movies on both blu ray and DVD to go with the first set of trilogy movies that I got him for father's day- now he owns all 6 on 12 discs and looks like a kid in a candy store!

I m so honored to be the bride of this amazing, Godly man. I thank God every day for him bringing Ben into my life and blessing us with a beautiful family and amazing ministry. I am so grateful that Ben is even standing here. He shouldn't be- he should have died in his addiction, but God knew what he was doing. As horrible as it was, I am so thankful that God allowed him to go through his addiction. It taught him empathy, compassion, and how to depend on and seek God in a way that is unheard of for most people. He was in such utter darkness that it allowed him to see the light of God in all of its glory. The light shines the brightest in the darkest places, and it's in the dark places that you see just what the light is capable of. He knows that he is nothing without God, because he has been nothing without God. His addiction allowed him to make mistakes in his relationships with significant others and children that he was in turn able to learn from and be sure he didn't repeat with me and Justin. His addiction enabled him to find out what matters in life, and that everything is meaningless if it's not done for the glory of God. It gave him a heart for the broken- because he was broken. He has compassion for the lost and hurting, because he knows what it feels like to be in their shoes. And- last but not least- it prepared him to deal with me and my craziness. He is a much better person coming out of addiction than he was before he went through it. Addiction can turn out to be a blessing if you hand if over to God and allow him to fill your broken places that the drugs couldn't. If you give God the same priority as the drugs, you will have a mind-blowing relationship with him and be sold out to him in a way that religion could never make you. And that's our hope for every addict we come into contact with at CROSSroads- that they will see that no matter how far gone, how hopeless, how desperate the situation- no matter the mistakes, the past, or the damage left in their wake- God holds true to his promises that he will work it all for our good (and the good of others) if we allow him to. We can be much better people on the other side of addiction before we went in. My husband is living proof of that.

Are we having fun yet???

                                                   
All in all, things ended up going off without a hitch. For a good portion of the day we were worried we were going to have to cancel because we were experiencing severe thunderstorms, but God heard our prayers for the rain to stop and granted our requests for the rain to stop (oh, the little ways that God lets you know he loves you! He cares about every little detail- even it being dry on your special day!)

A deck of cards made into a book from Justin and I. Each card has a reason why we love him, and there's 50 of them.

 To make it even better- my hubby got to listen to a two hour worship concert after his party! Who else is special enough to get a live band at their birthday party? ;) Plus, we got to bring community awareness to the cause that is near and dear to our hearts and our lives' mission- drug addiction, and the fact that there's freedom in Christ. I know that there is no other way my dear husband would rather spend his birthday. Surrounded by people he loves, preaching the gospel, and seeing the broken restored. That's who my husband is. And that's why I'm so grateful for his birth 50 years ago.


Concert after the party, and my husband and I along with other members of the recovery community being introduced to the crowd. 

Here's to 50 more!