You will always have a Peter and you will always have a Judas.

With all the craziness the past few days, I realize just how wise Pastor Cano (the one who discipled me) at Victory Church was. He told me once that in ministry, you will always have a Peter and you will always have a Judas, and both are necessary and part of the plan. That man was truly wise beyond his time. I'm thankful for all of the Peters- those that support us, have grace for us, and speak life into us - the armor bearers who wage war against darkness as partners with us. I'm thankful for an amazing pastor (who is also wise beyond his time) who walks through messy ministry with us, takes the time to have multiple hour conversations and fellowship with us, and realizes we are human. I'm also thankful for those who don't extend grace and mercy to us, those who are determined to see bad intentions or accuse, because it reminds us just how important it is that we extend the grace and mercy we don't receive that much more to others, and reminds us that God uses all things for good and His plans can't be thwarted. Thankful that God exposes the motives and intentions of the heart, that he removes and prunes but also provides. Thankful that Satan may accuse, but God will always justify when you are in his will. I'm Thankful for the negative things people may say or imply, because it only makes me that much more determined to rely on God to fight for me, and to justify. I'm Thankful for attacks because it reminds us we are a threat to the enemy. Ministry is messy, but God will always make a way, and fighting for the kingdom of God is always worth it. When the enemy comes in like a flood, God will raise the standard. That I know for sure. I am grateful for this journey, and to be counted worthy to be a small part of God's plan. I'm thankful for the Peters that make this journey easier, and for the Judases who keep us on our toes and renew our determination to keep pressing on with God's plan despite any and all adversity, and for reminding us just how seriously we take our commitment and calling.

How painful will God's best be?

I ran across this C.S. Lewis quote yesterday, and it spoke profoundly to me. We have had a very hard past couple of days as a family. Some major decisions have had to be made. All of our plans have begun to go awry. I have questioned my calling to ministry, I've been wondering if it's worth it. All of the sacrifices and loneliness, the effects that have begun to rear their ugly head with my family. The cost, it seems, is almost too much. I'm tired of doing things alone with out a support system. Sometimes it seems as if my husband and I are the only ones who think this thing is worth fighting for. Others think it's a good cause, and worth  it when it's convenient for them. But they don't let it consume their lives. At the end of the day, if it's too hard, they can quit. When it starts affecting their children, they can quit. When they aren't getting support from anyone else and things are too hard to bear alone, they can quit. I was at the point of quitting yesterday. If they can, I can too. My calling is painful, and I've had enough pain in my life. It doesn't seem fair sometimes. Honestly, the thought of having continue to do this for what could end up being years started to make me nauseous. I'm not sure how much more I can take. This week has left me feeling like a huge failure in more areas than I'd like to admit.

The isolation is deafening. Having problems that you can't speak about to anyone is a hard burden to carry. We had to make some major decisions and sacrifices regarding our son. Things that we need to grieve over, things we need to adjust in our lives for his benefit. My son will always come first, and every sacrifice for him is worth it, but the pain of my husband and I bearing these decisions alone is hard. My husband went to talk to our pastor about what was going on. He said he needed to talk to somebody. Somebody who wouldn't judge, someone we don't have to be an example for. Someone who he doesn't have to worry about using his flaws and shortcomings and failures against him. Someone who understands ministry.Then he looked at me somberly, and said this : ".... And I feel bad because you don't have anyone like that to talk to." And I started crying. Because he's right.

I spent most of yesterday in pity party, feeling sorry for myself and for my wayward plans. Things are not turning out how they were supposed to. I was feeling sorry for my loneliness. I was comparing how all of the other women ministry leaders and pastor's wives have people rallying around to help them, wanting to be their friend, to help with their kids, to help them carry the load. I was sure that when God told us to start CROSSROADS,  he would send in people to help. So why am I going  through ministry alone, without even a friend I can truly talk to about everything~ besides my husband, who already has enough to deal with? Surely God would want that for me!

Sitting in pity can get comfortable. It's so easy to look at all the bad and justify feeling sorry for yourself.  That can be incredibly dangerous for me, because it leads me down the road to depression. That's not road I can go down again, because it could cost me my life. Luckily I recognized it creeping in. I knew nothing else to do but to pray. Ask God why. Why is everything going haywire, why do I feel so isolated, why is there no one to help, why aren't things going right for my son, why do I feel so alone? WHERE ARE YOU GOD?. TAKE THE PAIN AWAY!

Then, quietly, I realized that pain is part of the process. It always has been. The most painful times in my life are when God worked the most. My fiance committing suicide got me to a point where I surrendered to God out of desperation, seeking for something to make the pain go away. My years of drug addiction broke me down to the point that I have compassion and empathy for people in the same situation because I remember that torturous  pain so vividly. My years of being thrust into ministry leadership in the women's home in Milwaukee were years of being being attacked, and knowing the pain of not having a person to lean on. But I learned how to fight, and I learned to lean on God.

My greatest spiritual lessons and growth have been born from pain. In  retrospect, it's easy to look back and see how God worked it all out for good. But boy, is it hard to realize it when you're going through it. My husband's favorite saying is  "no matter what, it's going to be okay." And I know that. I know that God truly does work it all out for our good. But I also know that he uses painful circumstances to bring about that good. That's the part I don't like. That's the scary part. Knowing that God's best could mean I have to go through another death, another loss, another humbling experience, another stretch of loneliness to make me utterly dependent on Him and Him alone is what I have a hard time dealing with. I know it will be used for good, but I don't want to go through it. I wish there was an easier, softer way. A way for God to bring about his will softly and gently.

For some people, that IS how he works. But I'm hard headed. Pain gets my attention. When things are going good and I'm happy, it's easy to push God to the side. When I need to focus on him, pain does the trick. When I start veering off course, he has to smack me upside the head sometimes to straighten out my vision. And that's what I'm holding onto. God loves us too much to leave us the way we are. And if pain is what he needs to use to change me, so be it. I just need to remind myself, that He has never failed me, and he won't stop now. Nothing we go through is wasted, nothing is unnecessary. It may be painful- but it will be used for my good, and one day I will be able to look back on this time in my life and see how God was there all along, and was working His plan out through it all.

It's just up to me to keep walking through the valley. Psalms 23 says though I WALK through the valley of the shadow of death. It doesn't say anything about sitting laying down and sitting in the valley. I have to get up. I have to keep going. I can't let the pain stop me, or let the devil convince me that it's not worth it. I know what God has told me, and I hang onto it for dear life when I reach my breaking point.  I have to know that God is going to bring me through the other side, and that one day this pain will be a memory, a testimony, one more thing to build my faith, one more testament to God's faithfulness.

But boy, does it hurt.

Why do we do what we do?

 

This week has been one of those weeks in CROSSroads that has been utterly crazy and completely exhausting for me. It has been wrought with emotion, fervent prayer, and non-stop running. People have been experiencing crisis non-stop, and we have dealt with situations that are so crazy that you wouldn't believe me if I told you. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. God has ways that are incomprehensible, no matter how well prepared we may THINK we are for situations that may arise.

If there is one thing that I have learned about God, it's that he NEVER fails. He always comes through. And it seems like he always shows up in a FANTASTIC way right before ministry gets into a season of being really hard and really busy, to remind me that He is in control, and He is the one directing my path, and removing EVERY obstacle and crushing every opposition that sets itself up against this God ordained ministry.  His word in Psalms 105:15 has been proven time and time again in my life: "Do not touch My anointed ones, And do My prophets no harm." We have had many, many demonic obstacles come up against us lately, but it's par for the course in on the spiritual frontlines. Spiritual warfare is an everyday thing. Yet those who try to cause us trouble end us helping us in the end. God ALWAYS stands in as our defense, and plots of our enemies backfire onto them. People continue to come against us, and God continues to use their plots to our advantage and their disadvantage. He shows us whose side he is on.

"Whoever digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit they have made. The trouble they cause recoils on them; their violence comes down on their own heads." (Psalm 7:15-16)

Being in the front lines as soldiers for God, we have huge targets on our back. We are under constant attack from multiple areas. So with all of the spiritual warfare, craziness, non-stop running, and feeling stretched my means- I found myself this week thinking about why we do what we do. I one of my CROSSroads girls this week that we have to be crazy to take all of this on. It's emotionally exhausting. No one in their right mind would volunteer to do this. There are no boundaries. There is no schedule. There is no saying no. The situations we find ourselves in leave us in almost a near state of shock. We could say no and walk away and our lives would become much easier and much less chaotic.

But we do it because we wouldn't have it any other way. When it comes right down to it, all we are doing is befriending broken people (and we are  ALL broken) and inviting them into our lives. We offer to be there as any good friend would. It's just that these friendships involve a lot of crazy circumstances. We do it because the payoffs are SO huge and eternity changing. Seeing God penetrating hearts and setting people free from addictions is something that touches our hearts in a way that we could NEVER give up hope that there are more people out there that he wants to save and free from the bondage of addiction. More people that he wants us to tell about him. More soldiers for God in the making, more lost causes getting ready to be turned into miraculous transformations.

We do it because God has empowered us to do it, and placed a call on our lives for this very specific purpose. God has called us to preach liberty to the captives of addiction- and we don't say no to God. We could, but it would be a huge mistake on our part. He wants to use the testimony of our past to speak to people who are in the same place we once were. He wants to show them that there is hope, and there is a way out.

Philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

We do it because someone did it for us. There was a group of Godly people in Milwaukee that sacrificed their entire lives to serve God by ministering to drug addicts. They gave up everything in order to be there for addicts and offer them a place where they could have a head on collision with Jesus. They sacrificed so that I could live free from addiction in the freedom of Christ. I am too grateful and thankful to not do the same for others that God places in my path. We have the ability to offer them an exchange of death for life through accepting Jesus Christ, and we must proclaim it. 

We do it because we used to do the same thing for the devil. When we were in our addictions, there were no boundaries. No breaks. There were tons of crazy situations, but nothing deterred us because we were committed to being drug addicts. There is a saying in AA that you have to put as much work into your recovery as you put into your addiction if you want to be successful. You have to be as determined to live as you were determined to die in your addiction. Well, we are as determined to live for God as much as we used to live for the devil. Where we used to bring chaos and heartache, we try to bring peace and healing. Where we brought lies and destruction, we bring truth and restoration. We used to knock people down, and now we spend our time lifting them up. Because we have been given a second chance at life, and we want them to know that they can have one too. And that's why we do it.

And it is so beyond worth it.

              Philippians 4:13               

I can do all things through him who strengthens me

Boundaries, trials, and Moses moments.

                             

Matthew 10: 37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. 38"And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. 39"He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.

When I told God he could have my life, He took me seriously. He took my prayer much more seriously than I did at the time. When I made that prayer, I was in a horrible, hellacious tormenting pit of addiction and emotional turmoil  that I saw no way out of, and I was so desperate for the agony to end that I finally waived my white flag to God. It was a prayer of surrender, a last ditch effort to save my life after dozens of rehabs, psychiatrists, help from friends and family, willpower, consequences, and therapy had failed. Being in such a state of desperation was the ONLY reason that I even entertained the idea of crying out to God, because I figured he wanted nothing to do with me. It was, honestly, my last option before I took my life. I remember very vividly thinking "I'm not sure if this will work, because I am not good enough for God to possibly want anything to do with, but I am going to try. I will give it a few days, and if nothing changes, I am going to drink myself into a painless stupor and go lay down on the train tracks. What does it matter if I am dead three days from now or dead today? Maybe, just maybe, this God thing is real. I have to at least try, so I can kill myself with a good conscience knowing that I TRULY had no other options left. That way, if there is a hell, maybe God will have mercy on me because he knows I exhausted all my options" (oh, the craziness of an addicts' brain!)

I had enough faith that maybe he could save me from killing myself, and maybe get my addiction down to a tolerable, sane level of usage (I couldn't imagine being completely clean then!) but that was about as far as my expectations went. Needless to say, I didn't kill myself (otherwise the fact that I am  writing this blog right now is really creepy!) and day by day as God kept me, I started to have a faint hope that one day he would be able to take my addiction away for good, and if that happened, it would be miraculous.  If I got REALLY lucky (which I wasn't even able fathom until I was saved and sober for years and He had started to clean up a lot of my spiritual garbage) maybe one day He would grow me into being semi- normal. Once he took away my paralyzing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which put me into horrible anxiety in social situations) from finding my boyfriend hanging from the rafter in our basement, and my ability to speak to people returned (which took about 8 months),  I started to have a glimmer of hope of possibly being semi-functional again. Maybe one day I would have the ability to almost fit in with "normal" people- or at least be able to get along with the rest of society without sticking out. Maybe one day I would be able to have a 9 to 5 job, the house with the white picket fence, a couple of kids, a car payment- you know normal, boring stuff. Things that come to people's minds when they think of the American life. Things you see on sitcoms. Things that are instilled in us from a very young age by society to want. Things that seem so impossible and foreign to addicts, who have only known lives of chaos, instability, heartache, and loss. If he could do that with messed up me, it would be a miracle. That's what I thought happened to people when they got saved and God refined them- unless you were really special like Billy Grahm or C.S. Lewis or those other Super Christians. Honestly the thought never even crossed my mind that he would use me in ministry. I definitely wasn't a super Christian. I definitely wasn't special, and I was nowhere near being even semi-normal. I was so screwed up, so different from every other Christian and "church person" that I had known, that it never dawned on me that he would ever actually WANT use me for anything in ministry. And honestly, if the thought had dawned on me then, it probably would have been enough to scare me into not praying at all (which is why, I have learned, God only shows you little pieces of the puzzle at the time. He doesn't want us getting overwhelmed and freaking out!)

Fast forward seven years- and, obviously, I was proven wrong. I have dedicated my life to befriending and ministering to drug addicts for all of those seven years except for a year long "break" period of transition. I realize now that when I said that prayer of desperation and gave God my life, my life was no longer my own- but His- and I lost my ability to choose what to do with it. I mean, technically I CAN choose what I do with my life- I have free will- but I have learned that being in the will of God and being obedient to what he is telling you to do is always the best option. It always works out for my best in the end. I have come to terms with the fact that this is my call in life (at least for the moment), and I am very grateful to be used by God. Helping others who struggle with the same issues I used to (and some that I continue to struggle with) helps me see that all of those years in addiction weren't wasted, but training for what I am currently doing. I was brought through it so I could let others know that there was a way out for them too. I feel greatly humbled and honored to be entrusted with such a task by God. I know it's what I am supposed to be doing with my life. But that's not to say that it's always painless and easy going. The problem comes when my flesh wants to do the total opposite of what God wants me to do. Drug addicts- by their very nature- are extremely selfish. They think of themselves and no one else. And it takes a LONG time to get out of that mind set- long after that drugs have stopped. Which can make being obedient hard. To submit to God's will when it goes against all of my natural desires does not come naturally. There is a lot of sacrifice, obedience, self-denial, and self control that is required, and it is by no means easy. It truly is a process of dying daily, and crucifying the flesh- which feels just about as fun as it sounds. It can be really, really hard. Sometimes my flesh SCREAMS for me to be able to  do my own thing, and, if I'm not careful, my flesh can get louder than God's voice. That's when I'm in trouble.

 My husband and I  have undergone tremendous testing and trials in the past few weeks. We have had pretty, shiny, materialistic things put in our faces that have tried to entice us away from ministry- things that my flesh wants. Things that I tried justifying God would want us to have. Things that we deserve. Things that normal people have. My flesh wanted to say yes, to take the shiny thing, but my spirit knew different. In reality, we deserve absolutely nothing, and we still are nowhere near normal- and probably never will be. My mind tried to justify why God would want us to have this nice, shiny thing. My flesh tried to come up with a compromise as to how we could take this shiny thing and still do what we are called to do- when, in actuality, it would have been devastating to CROSSroads- which we know for a fact is God ordained. We struggled for days with what to do- praying hour upon hour for God to reveal his will, and for him to absolutely close the door if it was not what the path we were to take. This was either a major blessing or a huge distraction sent to take our focus off of what we were really supposed to be doing. If we chose to take this shiny thing and we were doing it out of our flesh and not because God told us to, there would have been disastrous consequences not only for us, but for others as well.  Not only would we have been out of the will of God, but the decision would have affected other people's spiritual walks as well. After a few days, God started to show us that it was not His will at all, but a distraction. Something sent to divide our ministry. Something to get us out of here, because the gospel is being preached to drug addicts and people are being saved. Satan is scandalous. He will bless you too if you let him.

In retrospect, that test actually wasn't too hard after a few days, because we clearly heard God on what we were supposed to do. He gave us the answer loud and clear. The harder trials have been the ones in the past few weeks where God was- and is- still quiet. Situations where there is no clear answer. No black and white, right or wrong. Where either way could be God's will, and we are left desperately seeking the discernment to figure it out. One of these "quiet" trials I have been dealing with popped up after something happened in church Sunday which led me to not be able to hear the message that I desperately needed after a chaotic week of spiritual and emotional draining trials. Being denied the ability to hear the message showed me just how much I needed it, and brought up a lot of questions in regards as to when to draw boundaries on ministry. When,  and how, is it okay put myself and my spirituality first? Is it ever ok to put myself as top priority? To want to set my own itinerary for the day, have an hour at church to listen to an uninterrupted sermon,  have a day without ministry, or to have a chance to be taught to instead of teaching in order to recuperate from what I am pouring out to other people and spiritually feed myself? Or does it go against the very thing God wants me to do? Is that mindset selfish? Or is it necessary to having a healthy spiritual (and leadership) life?

At first, that seems like an easy answer. Of course, take time for yourself, talks about taking a Sabbath, you can't take care of others if you can't take care of yourself, if you burn out now you'll be no good to anyone- take time for yourself. That's all fine and good, and I wish it were that easy, but what about when in order to do that, it means denying help to the very people that God sent to me? What is more important to God? My rest and being spiritually healthy, or helping those in need? Both seem good, and both seem of good- but which is GOD?

If only it were that easy. The type of ministry that we are in doesn't have office hours or vacation days or scheduled appointments. It is SO HARD to keep boundaries- to separate our lives from the ministry. We are on the frontline of a war, and as well all know- war is unpredictable. When soldiers are called into battle, they go- regardless of what is going on at their life in the moment. That's how they're trained. And sometimes, if you don't deploy your weapons at the exact second that you need to, the chance never comes again, and the consequences can be fatal. That's how we have been trained. When there is a need, we go. It's hard to tell a parent that calls you at 2 AM sobbing that their child just overdosed on heroin to call back in the morning or that we will make an appointment to fit them into our schedules. It's hard to keep boundaries when a drug addict you have been witnessing to for months finally has a moment of clarity and wants to make the 1 1/2 hour drive detox with you and accept Jesus- and you know that if you don't act  now, by the morning they will be high again- and they decide this in the middle of your "ministry free family day" (ha! What's that?). These are life and death decisions which honestly, I don't think anyone who has a heart for addicts can walk away from. How do you put boundaries on that? How do you say, "good lucky- let me pray for you- but I'm busy right now- hopefully you can stay alive until I have the time in my schedule to meet you?"

Proverbs 3:27 says: "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it”—when you have it with you." It tells us not to turn people away, because tomorrow may be to late. 

I get that, I do. In fact, I have been living my life by that motto for the past seven years. When God brings someone to me, I consider it a divine appointment, and it takes priority. Yes, sometimes it's rough and it can be really inconvenient, but the Holy Spirit has equipped me to do it and to live my life with some degree of normalcy in the mist of chaos. In fact, I believe God put me in the ministry because he knows deep down that I need chaos to feel normal. My entire life has been chaos, and if it were to all go away, I'm not sure what I would do. I'm sure I would be really, really bored. SO, he allows me to keep chaos in my life, except now (for the most part!) it's other people's chaos instead of my own. I have looked at our ability to have the strength to press through this ministry as something that glorifies God, because our ability comes from Him and Him alone. The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. So often, we have to take on double shifts. God says that He wants us ALL in. In the book of Revelation, it talks about how he will spew us out of his mouth if we are lukewarm rather than hot or cold. I go our of my way to demonstrate that I am hot. I have never been the kind of person that halfway does anything. I am either all the way in or all the way out. There is no middle with me. I am an extremist to the fullest.

I also know, however, that ministry burnout is a very real thing. I know that if I can't take care of myself spiritually, I will eventually be of no benefit to anyone. Not to myself, not to my husband, to my children, or to the people I am trying to help. I have gone through it before. That's what that "year long transition" period was. I was exhausted. It took me an entire year of being ministry free to recuperate. Something happened this week- one of my silent trials- that heeded as a huge warning to me that I would be headed the same way soon if something doesn't change. It was something that really made me look at my life, the ministry, my spiritual condition, and what realistic sustainability looks like. To  pour out to others constantly and never get spiritually fed myself will eventually result in a spiritual death sentence- I will starve to death. I absolutely have to make time for myself to read my bible, have a good prayer life, make fasting at least a twice monthly priority, and attend church and bible study where I'm NOT teaching but instead can hear the message for myself. Jesus warns of it in the bible, as seen in Luke 10:38 where he is visiting Martha and Mary, two sisters who opened their home to him. Mary sat at Jesus' feet listening to him speak, while Martha was running herself ragged preparing for the gathering in her home. Martha became angry and asked "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" To which Jesus replied: "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Jesus is very clearly stating that doing "work" for the kingdom at the cost of a relationship with him is not what is best. To do God's work, without having enough time to have your own relationship with him, was not what God intended. God knows that we need rest, and to abide in Him and Him alone. In  Mark 6:31, he tells the disciples to:“ Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. They were close to burnout. He knew if they didn't rest, they would no longer be operating by leading of the Holy Spirit, but out of their own flesh and exhaustion. Not only that, but spiritual exhaustion leaves us vulnerable to attacks. When we're weak, it's hard to fight back. And it's definitely hard to be a soldier. In 1 Kings 19, Elijah was so warn out and exhausted that he asked God to let him die. Instead, God commanded him to rest, and sent an angel to give him food to eat in order to gain his strength for the task that was ahead of him. The bible makes it pretty clear that without spiritual rest, we are unusable. Not only that, but it affects our attitudes to the point that we get REALLY grumpy. Elijah wasn't the only person in the bible that was worn out to the point of wanting death. Check out what Moses said to God after dealing with the Israelites in the desert by himself:

Numbers Chapter 11:

¹¹ He asked the Lord, “Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? ¹² Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their ancestors? ¹³ Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ ¹⁴ I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. ¹⁵ If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.”

Now, I am not at that point right now, but I have been VERY close numerous times in ministry. Don't get me wrong- I absolutely love my ministry, and the people that we work with have become some of the biggest blessings in my life. It's amazing and honoring to have a front row seat to see God's transformative power at work. But, it can get so overwhelming, that you really do want to yell out to God to give you a break! I look at to these scriptures as warnings. As a warning to not let myself ever get there. I never want to feel so overwhelmed by ministry that I would rather DIE than continue on! (As a side note- I am the first to admit that I can be a little overdramatic- but that is over the top even for me!) I never want to be so worn out that I am running on spiritual fumes. God desires a relationship with me, not just the people he has put in front of me to help. But sometimes it is just so hard to give myself permission to do that. I am so grateful for what God saved me from, that I cannot in good conscience tell someone that I don't have time to help them. What if the ministry that I came out of in Milwaukee would have said that to me? If they would have told me to come back tomorrow during business hours, I would probably be dead right now. I was taught that you never turn anyone away, because you never know when God will work with someone. Who am I to make that call? Who am I to question God's timing?  Philippians 2:3 says to Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. I'm to value others, and their needs, above my own. I try to live that way. But sometimes my flesh just screams BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!!!???!!! God, I will be obedient up until the point I draw the line! I know when enough is enough! Sometimes, I get awfully close to feeling like Moses and Elijah! It is such a war- between flesh and spirit, selfishness and selflessness. Between believing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and getting down on my knees begging for Him to send reinforcements!

I am by no means special. I can guarantee beyond a shadow of a doubt that every pastor and frontline minister feels like the same way at least occasionally. It's hard when the lines get blurred, when you have a ministry that is 24 hours and all consuming, and everything is intertwined. When boundaries aren't realistically very enforceable, and its hard to distinguish your personal life from ministry because- well- ministry is your life.  It's hard to know when to say no when you see every person that God brings into your life as a divine appointment, and you know that you may never get the chance to witness to them again. Sometimes, it's hard to give yourself permission to put yourself first, because we know that we are nothing without God,  and to put ourselves and our needs first while people are dying in the streets of heroin overdoses right and left seems absurd. Is my "night off" that important? Should that really take precedence? We are grateful for what God brought us out of, and want the same for others. When we gave him our lives, we meant it. To complain that it's too hard and not going the way we wanted seems- well- selfish. He said to pick up our cross and follow him- regardless of what we have to give up to do it.

I have no concrete answers. I have been wrestling with this the entire time I have been a Christian. I can't tell you (or myself for that matter!) how to prioritize your ministry versus your own needs. I think situations change, seasons come and go, and different seasons require different priorities. Some seasons we will pour out so much that we feel like we have nothing left for ourselves. Other seasons, we will feel like we are absolutely useless to the kingdom of God because there is no one to pour out to, and we have all the time in the world to focus on ourselves and our needs. All I know is that God is there through it all, and he knows right where we are at. I have to trust that even if I am making the wrong decision and ministering when I should be resting or resting when I should be ministering- that as long as I seek his face and pray for him to guide me, that he will correct my course. I have to trust that he will give me the strength and endurance to press on in ministry even if I am close to burnout. And I have to trust that if I am supposed to be resting and focusing on my own spirituality, that he will give me a clear sign to do that. Sadly, though, I usually only heed those signs once I have already crashed and burned. When I am on the verge of turning into Moses, asking God to kill me because I can't take it anymore. I have noticed that when I get close to that point, God will FORCE me to stop. It will be either through circumstances that prevent me from doing ministry and force me to take the time to spend on myself (like being laid up in bed with a sickness or a broken ankle!), or through an ugliness that starts to creep into my attitude. That's my sign that I need to focus on God, because otherwise I will be working out of my flesh.

I also have to trust that if I really need to take the time to rest and invest in my spirituality and have "me time", that God will take care of the people that I am missing out on ministering to and can't help during that time. God is more than capable of keeping them, and if I am really meant to minister to them, he will bring them back. Taking a ministry break every so often is not only healthy, but mandatory.  It's very dangerous in ministry to start thinking that God needs you. He doesn't. He's God. It's important to remember that everything will not crumble if I'm not there, because I'm not the one holding it together in the first place. He is. Taking breaks and giving myself permission to focus on myself helps to remind me of that. I need to do the best that I can- all that I can- and leave the rest to God.

My prayer is to be able to live out my life in a missional way, without sacrificing my own relationship with God in the midst of it. He needs to be first priority, because if He's not, none of this matters anyway.  I am nothing without God- and I think sometimes he lets me fall flat on my face to remind me that I can't do anything in my own power. I pray that I never lose the heart to put others first, but at the same time realize that if I don't take care of myself, I will be no good to them. I pray for discernment as to when I should pour out and when I should rest, and that I am not too stubborn to heed which way the Holy Spirit is guiding me. I pray that God- and people- see my heart and realize my intentions even when I make the wrong choice. I pray that I die to myself everyday, and live out what God's will for my life. And most of all, I pray that God has grace on me in my Moses moments.

Knowing "lonely"

There is an old adage that says that loneliness is felt the most when you are in a room full of people. Oh, how true that is. If there is one thing that I have learned from being in ministry leadership, it's that it's lonely. There are so few people that you can really let get close to you, because not only do you have to set an example and stay strong for everyone else, but I have seen first hand how people will take your personal information and character defects and use it against you. Satan will attack you with it if the person has an open door in their life in which the enemy has access. Sometimes it isn't even the enemy, but just the fact that people are broken, hurt people hurt people, and sometimes people want to knock others down a peg to make themselves feel better. Or when you have to tell someone "no" and they get angry, suddenly they fling everything you have ever told them in confidence back in your face and tell everyone who will listen just to be vindictive. Another reason that it is lonely is because there is a strong expectation of confidentiality that comes whey you are a minster.  People will pour their heart out to you in confidence- sometimes regarding very disturbing or heartbreaking things- and there is no one that you can talk to about it except God. You deal with a lot of heavy duty stuff, and without taking it to God, the weight of it would be crushing- because you can't "get things off your chest" to a friend the way a non-ministry person could. Yet another reason- and one of the biggest- is that in addiction ministry, you have to keep a certain distance from the people you work with because it can be very disheartening and discouraging sometimes. You invest so much time into people, and hope that they will make it- only for them to turn back to drugs. It can be really heartbreaking if you let yourself get too attached to people- and also dangerous if you get close to someone and they decide to relapse and you aren't strong enough to resist the temptation. The point is, you have to have certain walls up, and be careful who you let those walls all the way down for- not only for your own protection but for the safety of the people you work with and the integrity and confidentiality of your ministry.


Last Tuesday during our spiritual leadership small group, we were discussing how suffering is a leadership quality. Suffering is actually my number two spiritual gift, and while it may not seem like a "gift," I have learned that it in fact is.  Being able to withstand suffering not only allows you to build an endurance and strength that can't be built any other way, but teaches you to rely on God to see you through, and finally allows you to share the hope that you gained through it with others. As Romans chapter 5 states:

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Part of that suffering for me has come in the form of having to know loneliness in a way that not many people understand. Knowing this, I have been reminiscing about my life and realized that I have always been good at being "lonely" and having walls up. As a young child, I was very intelligent for my age, and did not relate to kids my own age. I was overly intelligent, and because of this I was labeled a "weirdo" and avoided by most kids. It was very hard for me to make friends, because I could not relate to them on their level. I also was very detached from my family- my mom and sister shared a closeness (and still do to this day) that we never had- try as we might- and for many years it led me to feel rejected, unwanted, and alone in my own home. Once I hit my early teens, I used drugs and alcohol as a way to isolate myself even further- because it helped me to justify and feel in control of my loneliness- They weren't rejecting me, but I was using the alcohol to separate myself from them. I wasn't going to allow people to hurt me anymore, so I was making the choice to be alone rather than letting someone make it for me. I wasn't physically alone- in fact by that time I had become quiet popular and had a lot of friends- but I was very much emotionally alone. I could never truly get close to anyone. My walls just got higher and stronger as I continued throughout life, because every time I would let my walls down, I would be hurt horribly. I had some very, very painful experiences and was deeply hurt by people I loved and allowed to get close to me. My loneliness led to deep depression, and feelings of despair. Before I knew God, the loneliness that I had carried with me my entire life and tried to fill with people, substances, and things was so overwhelming that I could never imagine myself not being alone. The silence was deafening, and the hole of loneliness and isolation that I had dug for myself was deep. I had buried myself alive.

The loneliness was actually a blessing in disguise. It drove me to look for God. Once I gave my life to Jesus, I realized that he had been with me all along. God had always been there every step of the way, always beside me- even when no one else was. For many years after I was saved, Jesus was ALL I had. I had no friends, no relationships, and didn't see my family- it was just me and God. While it was still hard to not have people in my life, I learned to lean into him. God being all I had was all I needed. We built a bond that would have never been accomplished if I had the distraction of other people in my life at that time. It was very, very hard to see it then. I didn't understand why God wouldn't bring people into my life, to help my loneliness go away. Surely he didn't want me to be miserable? It's only in retrospect that I can see that he needed me to see that he was the one who would fill me, would sustain me, would comfort me, not people. I needed to learn to depend on him and him only.

2 Timothy 4:16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth.” (NIV)

Psalm 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

 Looking back on my life, I can see that God was using my circumstances- my loneliness- to prepare me for the ministry role that I have today. Since I have dealt with loneliness most of my life, it was not a huge culture shock to be in the lonely position of ministry leader. I know how to handle the loneliness, and I also have a deep sympathy for the lonely people in the world- the outcasts- the ones who have no one rallying for them. That is why I have the passion that I do for the people I work with- I have been there, and I know what that all encompassing isolation feels like. I can help comfort people who are in the same spot that I was for years, and still sometimes find myself.

1 Corinthians 1: 4 The God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 6 But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer;…

I would be lying if I were to say that I don't still get lonely- even though I have Jesus, and God has brought AMAZING people into my life. I have an incredible husband, a beautiful little boy who is the absolute light of my life, a close and caring church family, fabulous friends that I adore, and my relationship with my parents is at one of the best points it has ever been. I am blessed beyond belief with the wonderful people God has given me- and I am not complaining. I love each and every one of them and am lucky to have such great people in my life. Sometimes though, even with all that, loneliness creeps in. My husband is constantly on the go helping people, and I am selfish in the fact that I would like more uninterrupted time with him. Having an actual weekend to spend together like other couples would be nice- but we all know that addiction doesn't keep business hours and people's needs aren't restricted to Monday through Friday. In fact, when we renewed our wedding vows last month, as we were walking out the door we got an emergency ministry call and we had to make a detour to go help someone on our way to saying "I Do" (again). Sometimes I yearn for a friend who understands what I go through in being a recovered addict, working hands on in a frontline 24 hour a day ministry, raising a little boy, going to school full time, dealing with the craziness that comes with working with drug addicts, the insane demands on our time, and having a minister for a husband. I have friends who understand parts of my life- sometimes even multiple parts, but not the whole. It is easy to throw a pity party for myself and whine about how no one understands. I Still have family members that reject me, and people who say cruel things about me. It's easy to yearn for things to be easier, to yearn for relationships that "normal" people have.

But then I realize that I do not need to yearn for anything. I have everything I need in Jesus. I just need to remind myself of that. When loneliness creeps in, God is there. We are doing God's business, and we are living sacrifices. When we told God that we gave him our lives, we meant it. And this is what he chose to do with them. I can't complain, because my life is great- BEYOND great. The devil would like nothing better than to convince me that I am alone or that no one understands me, or that my life is somehow lacking. An attitude of gratitude and gratefulness is a must in my life. I may not have tons of people who understand everything I go through, or people I can disclose everything to, or uninterrupted bonding time with my husband- BUT I HAVE GOD- who knows exactly what I am feeling, and is with me always. The Isrealites spent 40 years in the desert because they were focused on the few things that they perceived as God not providing for them the way that they thought he should have- murmuring and complaining about insignificant things- instead of focusing on the great miracles, provision, freedom and love that God had shown them- and the fact that he was in their midst, leading and guiding them the entire time. I do not want to be like them, but sadly I am- more often than I care to admit. It is important for me to realize, however, that people were never meant to fill the "God shaped hole" in me that only God was meant to fill. Relationships are not meant to sit on the throne of my heart, but Jesus is. Focusing on what is lacking in your life only serves to make you miserable. Knowing that God is more than enough keeps you content- a lesson that the Israelites learned far too late. Despite what they were "lacking", Never once did they ever walk alone, and when it comes down to it, I know that neither have I. God knows exactly where I am in this season of my life, and he has equipped me for it. My "loneliness", past and present, serves a purpose. HE is with me.

God calling.....

I have spent the past two days compiling a report of what God has done though our ministry since the time we launched it 9 months ago to now. This report was requested by the Pastor of our church that supports CROSSroads because he wants my husband to read it at the church business meeting in two weeks so that the congregation can begin to understand what God is doing through CROSSroads- and why they should care. Everyone knows who we are, and everyone knows that the aim of our ministry is to reach out to those who are addicted that DON'T know Jesus yet and let them know that he loves them, they are worthy of that love, and that despite how they feel- they haven't traveled so far from him that he won't take them back.  However, most people do not realize what goes on behind the scenes or just how intense this ministry is- that we undergo intense spiritual warfare, that we are on call 24 hours a day to pray for people, that we open up our home to addicts who are detoxing because there is nowhere else for them to go in the area to do it- that this is not just a once a week for a couple hours a night small group ministry, but that it is a round the clock, 24/7, full time ministry on steroids. There are so many lost, hurting, broken, people in this town that are being held captive by drugs and alcohol that are need freedom- and not nearly enough help available for them. We are standing in the gap in whatever ways we can and having faith that God will bring an answer soon.

While writing this report, I couldn't help but stand in awe over all that God has done through this ministry in the past nine months. All of the testimonies and transformations that we have seen in the past nine months are mind blowing. We have seen people healed from addiction in amazing ways that they never thought possible, as well as seen many drug addicts give their lives to the lord and confess him through water baptism. My heart just sings that these wonderful souls that had long ago resigned  that they would never amount to anything more than a drug addict are seeing God's glory revealed in their lives and seeing themselves as HE sees them. I know all too well the loneliness, the horror, the desperation and depression that come with addiction, and to be released rom that by the grace of God and to have a hope and a future is indescribable. Redeemed drug addicts truly cherish their redemption because they know just how unworthy they are of it. While no one is righteous, people who have been forgiven of a great deal realize just how much of a gift the forgiveness is.

Luke 7:36-50 (ESV)

One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with [Jesus], and he went into the Pharisee’s house and took his place at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he answered, “Say it, Teacher.” “A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.” Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven--for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

I am amazed at God and his work in these addicts' lives and I feel so blessed to be witness to it and honored to have a call on my life to be used to bring the gospel to this demographic of people. However, that wasn't always the case.

I was a drug addict for many years, and I finally found God at my "rock bottom" during a stay during a Christian restoration home and church in Milwaukee. The pastors, leaders, and congregation of the church were entirely made up of drug addicts. If  that hadn't been the case, I am positive that I would have never stayed long enough to allow God to work on me. I had always felt so judged and condemned by "church people" for being a "druggie" that you couldn't have paid me to walk into a church service, no matter how desperately I may have wanted to. The fact that these people had been where I had been gave me comfort that they wouldn't judge me, and the fact that they had come out of it not only alive but prospering and being used by God to help other people gave me hope. That is the reason I stayed. I surrendered my addiction to God, and he healed my there in Milwaukee. It was a long process, but slowly I saw 2 Corinth8ians 5:17 manifest in my life- "Any man who is in Christ is a new creation, the old has passed away, all things have become new." The lost cause, hopeless, worthless, outcast drug addict identity that I had held about myself for my whole life was wiped away and replaced with my new identity in Christ. It took a long time to realize that the carnage and chaos of my past didn't have to be my future. "But, I know the plans I have for you says the Lord- plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) became my life verse, and gave me the hope I needed to turn my back on what I had been and walk into what God wanted for me.

That was, until, God wanted to use me- and not in the way I wanted him to use me. My aspiration in life was always to be a professional with a white house with a picket fence outside and a couple of kids. I thought that once God had "cleaned me up", he would certainly bring those dreams to pass. After all, doesn't the bible say "I will give you the desires of your heart?" Well, those were my desire. His plan was something totally different. He told me that he wanted me to lead the female addicts in Milwaukee- and it was confirmed when the pastor blessed me in as the director of the women's home in front of the entire congregation, without letting me know or asking me first. I didn't want to be a director (which now I am guessing ins why God told him to do and not ask my permission first) - I wanted to get clean enough and learn enough about God to become stable, and then get out and have a normal life like everyone else.  Instead I ended up staying in Milwaukee for another 2 years as the director. I gave up many things- I had no money, I couldn't see my children during that time, I wasn't allowed to work, or to go anywhere on my own, or to go to school- my full time job was to do what God had told me to do and help the women that he brought in off of the streets of Milwaukee. And I did. I sacrifice, but I gained so much. I saw lives transformed, I learned about spiritual warfare, I listened to great bible teaching everyday by wonderful men of God, I learned how to be humble, I learned how to control my emotions, how to be selfless, how to submit, how to do a bible study, how to love people without wanting anything in return, how to fast, how to have discernment, how to listen to God. My time in the home taught me things that I would have never been able to learn any other way. It was a spiritual boot camp that prepared me to be a soldier for God. God's plan for my life had a purpose, where my own plan was purely for my comfort. His will for my life was so much better than what I had planned for my own (In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps- Proverbs 16:9)

There came a time, however, when I decided that I truly did want a normal life. My husband and I (who I met in the Milwaukee ministry) decided we were going to leave the big city and move to central Wisconsin, get regular jobs, and have normal lives. We honestly were really burnt out on ministry, and figured that we had "put our time in" and paid our dues to the homes. We had done enough ministry to last a lifetime- and surely God saw that. After all, some people NEVER do any ministry, and we had done tons. We both had our minds made up that we were done with ministry. So, off we set to have our "regular" life in Marshfield Wisconsin. My husband had a full time job, I was in school full time, we took care of our son, and we went to church on Sundays. Like normal people. And we liked it that way. But then, God began showing us things. That there was a huge drug problem up here, with young women, who were addicted to the same thing I had been. That the hospital in town shut down their alcohol and drug rehabilitation unit, and that there were no detoxes for people to go to who were trying to get off of drugs. That people were robbing the town pharmacy for Oxycontin, and that people were overdosing and dying in bathroom stalls at Walmart. WHY was he showing us this? Surely so we could tell someone else that they should do something to help these people! After all, we were done with ministry! Maybe we were just there to recognize the problem, and suggest ways that someone else could fix it. So we sat back. And did nothing. And God kept showing us things, and we waited for someone to come up with a solution. We tried to ignore it, and prayed that God would help these people. Surely we didn't have to do it again. We had given up enough. We had paid our dues. We were done.

But we weren't. And we knew it. Our move to the middle of the state to get away from ministry work wasn't very successful. God put it in our face to the degree that we knew he was calling us to be some of the people that helped- whether we wanted to our not. We had to. I felt like Jonah- wanting to run and not do what God said. But one day God told me that if I turned my back, and watched these addicts die when I had a way to relate to them and let them know about God who would save their souls, then everything I had gone through in my life was for nothing. All of my years of being addicted, coupled with all of my years of being in the restoration home in Milwaukee, had been training. Training to reach out to people who weren't being reached out to- not because people didn't want to reach out to them- but because they didn't know how to. They couldn't relate. Unless you have lived that hell, you do not understand. I did. I had survived that hell and come out the other side with God, and to waste that- to not give people that hope- and let them know that it is possible- would be a tragedy. The bible says that we will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. Well a silent testimony doesn't have much impact . God was once again telling me to use my story for good. That through doing that, he would redeem the years that I had lost to addiction, by giving them back to someone else. People didn't have to go through what I had gone through, as long as I had gone through it.

So we gave in. We stopped fighting God. We said we would do it. If he wanted to use us- we would go. But it's hard. This is a messy ministry- not the type of ministry people usually volunteer for.  I have realized that I am not volunteering to do anything, but I am called to do it. And honestly, I think you have to have a calling on your life specifically for this type of ministry to succeed in it.  God has equipped me to do this. It is easy to offer to be used by God when it's on your terms, and he will use you the way you want him to. But what about when it's in a way that's an inconvenience to you? Or tiring? Or emotionally draining?  There are no cushy office chairs or paychecks or days off or office hours that come with this. We are in the frontlines, dealing with the messy stuff that people usually have mostly taken care of by the time they start going to other ministries. We are dealing with broken people, and sometimes we get cut on the pieces. The things that go on in this ministry do not fit into my son's nap schedule or my school schedule or my plan to what my life was supposed to be like. BUT, it is so worth it, and I would never have it any other way. One person finding Jesus and being released out of the hell makes every ounce of sacrifice worth it. I am so privileged to be able to have a front row seat at what God is doing, and witnessing amazing people emerge from what was once just a shell of themselves.  I imagine where I would be if the people at Milwaukee Victory Church hadn't sacrificed themselves the same way for me. I asked my husband awhile ago why some people can walk away from ministry and never do it again, while we tried to get away and couldn't. We realized it's because when we got saved, we told God that we gave him our life- and we meant it. This is what he chose to do with it.

So, I say all this to say that if God has a calling on your life, don't fight it. Don't worry about if it's what you want to do or feel equipped to do or dreamt of doing. Your calling is not for you. It's for the people you are called to help though it. From my experience, a true calling on your life is almost always going to be scary and something you don't want to do at first. But that's a good thing. That's how you know it's God telling you to do it and not yourself trying to force yourself into it because it fits your criteria. All of the old testament prophets fought with God about not wanting to prophesy (many ran), Moses told God he had the wrong guy, and even Jesus asked God to "let this cup pass from me." Many times we don't feel equipped to do what God is calling us to do. And we're right. We aren't equipped. But he is. And through him, we will be also. So if Johan taught us anything- don't run. Because a true calling by God will chase you down anyway. And in the end, you will be so happy that it did. So walk in it now, in the direction that God is leading, and let him fulfill your purpose.

"For God's gifts and his calling are irrevocable"- Romans 11:29