Falling apart or falling into place?

The past month has been a trying and emotional for our ministry and our family. We have been getting spiritually attacked like crazy. The warfare is intense. We expect it due to being in a front line ministry where souls are being saved and literally crossing over from darkness to light- but it is not fun to go through, especially when you are being relentlessly bombarded to the point that you feel like you can't even come up for air. When there is no breathing room, no time to catch your footing. No time to rest and recuperate and prepare for the next battle.

My husband and I have had a lot of attacks in our personal lives. Attacks involving our relationships, our health, our lives, our property, our children, our friends, our hope, our determination, our beliefs. Attacks that have tried to make us question the future, question if what we are doing is worth it, question why God is allowing everything to seemingly crumble around us when we know we are walking in his will. The past month we have felt very much like Job at some points. Job, who in the bible, lost everything due to Satan's attacks. His wife, his children, his health, his home, his land- everything.

I, personally, have spent a lot of time the past month questioning why it is that we are burning ourselves out trying to help people while others are content to just sit back and watch them die. There are SO many hurting and broken addicts in our community who desperately need God's love. People know that there is a problem. The churches know that there is a problem. Yet, every day I watch as another addict ignored, overlooked, or forgotten about by Christians. Addicts who Jesus loves and is desperate to save are given a back seat on the priority list of Christians who are so wrapped up in their bible studies( with the same people who have been going to them for fifteen years), youth group outings, PTA meetings, kids soccer games, and coffee dates with friends. People are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't be bothered to notice that there are people literally dying right in front of them. The great commission is in front of their faces, yet they have better things to do. Saving the kiss and saving the whales and vying for gmo free food are all worthy causes, but if you are looking past the broken soul right in front of you to focus on it, there is a problem.

Now, don't get me wrong. PTA meetings and youth groups and bible studies and all that are wonderful. They are all great things. I am not trying to put down any of it. I am just coming from a place of desperation, a place of loneliness, where sometimes it seems as if we are the only ones that are fighting for these people. The only ones that don't have better things to do. The only ones that don't have an option of making them an option. God won't allow us to, and sometimes it gets overwhelming and very, very discouraging when it seems like no one else cares. It is hard for my heart to wrap around the fact that there are people who don't see souls as a priority in the way that we do.  I just want to scream from the top of my lungs for people to wake up. Don't you realize that these souls matter? That your bible study can wait, but they could very well be dead tomorrow? That God has put them in front of your face for a reason- and it's not so you can pretend they aren't there? That they are not meant to be an afterthought- and maybe you will think about praying for them after you are done with all of your PTA meetings, youth group outings, and coffee dates- if you remember?

I am not trying to bash the church. In fact, I absolutely adore my church, and most people have been very welcoming of the addiction ministry that we run. I am just frustrated for the people that we minister to. I know the hurt and pain and rejection of feeling that no one cares, and that you're not worth their time. My heart breaks for them, because I was there at a point in my life, and I know how it hurts.  The fact is that as Christians, we should be the FIRST people offering to help addicts. They should be able to see and feel the love of Jesus in us. They should feel accepted in a way that they have never been in society, because Christians are supposed to be different and demonstrate the unconditional love of God. We are supposed to love the out casted and the broken. These people have spent their entire lives being treated as if they don't matter. As if they should just die off. That they aren't important and no one cares about them. That their lives are no more important than a PTA meeting. The love of God is the ONLY thing that will ever be able to change that. And until they get to know God for themselves, we need to be His hands and feet that bring that love to them. You see, as Christians, we are supposed to live our lives as living sacrifices- for God and for others. Our own wants and needs should not be on the top of our priority lists. If every Christian could lay their lives down for others, we wouldn't have so many lost and broken people in the world.

My husband and I make that the goal of our ministry. To love addicts even if they are still using and even if they are hard to love. To show them that Jesus loves them no matter where they are or what they have been doing. That they are a priority to Him. That they matter. But, sometimes we get tired. Really tired. We take on so much, and when we have a month like we just had, it takes everything within us to keep going. Sometimes when the spiritual warfare gets so intense and we look around and see that we are fighting alone with no backup, we want to quit. Sometimes we get so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained that we do quit. For about a day- then when a need arises and someone needs help and we see that no one else is stepping into fill it, we come our of our 15 hour retirement, and push aside the rest we desperately need. We just cannot sit back and watch people hurting and not take action- God compels us to. Sometimes we wish we had people to help us carry the load. People to stand beside us, to pray for us, to offer encouragement, to be our friends.  People to show the addicts that they care, too. Everyone can't do addiction ministry, but everyone can do something to help. Even if it's just acknowledging them on Sunday morning, even if they are stumbling down the aisle high. Heck, invite an addict with you to your PTA meetings and bible studies. Show them that they matter. Show them Jesus.

Because we can't do it all. There are so many addicts- and they have so many needs- and we are only two people. And sometimes when we are getting pummeled by life, we need someone to help lift us up, so we can continue lifting up others. We need people to care about the hurting and broken people in front of them, and offer to show love to them when we can't. When we are empty and need to pull back and be filled by God, we need to know that there is someone there willing to take over showing the love of Christ to these people. We can't operate under the assumption that we will do it later- when the PTA meetings are done with, when youth group is over, when the soccer season is done. Because for many of these addicts, by that time, it will be too late.

What makes all of this so much harder in the Job times is that SO many times we have given our all to people, just to have them drift away from God or back into addiction in the end. We spend months and years pouring our hearts into addicts, taking them under our wings, praying for them, becoming friends with them, helping them in any way we can, making them part of our family, giving up our lives for the sake of theirs- and many times they end up throwing it all away.

That is just par for the course for this ministry. The nature of addiction is wicked. Satan does not let people go easily. He fights tooth and nail to get their souls back, and sometimes he wins. It is so hard to see someone you love go back to their addiction. Someone you had hopes for. Someone who you thought finally may have gotten it. Someone who has tasted the goodness of God, and knows He is real, yet choose to go back to the destructive life the enemy has for them. It is easier to get an unbelieving addict to give God a chance and for them to turn away from drugs than it is to get back someone who has been freed and healed of their addiction by God and then willing go back to it. Because at that point, they are ignoring the voice and conviction of God, and that is dangerous territory. If they ignore it long enough, pretty soon they will not be able to hear it anymore. An addict who decides to give their life to Christ does so in search of the truth, and He is compassionate to have grace and mercy for them and their ignorance before they knew the truth. An addict that goes back to addiction after knowing Christ already knows the truth, and are just choosing to ignore it. Once you start doing that, it becomes easier and easier to ignore the truth, until you finally end up so caught up in the enemy's deception that you are as far away from God as you were before you got saved.

Many times we know it's coming. We can see if from a mile away, and God will begin to show us that people are starting to pull away from Him. However, that never makes it any easier. You still feel blindsided. You still wonder what else you could have done. You still wonder what would have happened if someone besides you were trying to help them. We are fools for hope, and we were taught to NEVER give up on anyone, because you never know when God will work with someone. But, when people start to drift away from sobriety and God, many times we have to back away from them not only for the safety of our own sobriety, but in order for them to fall and hit a bottom that makes them desperate enough to turn back and surrender to God. And that is a hard, HARD thing to do when you care about someone.

It is ALWAYS hard when that happens. It's hard to watch, because we know what the end result will be, but Satan has so blinded their minds that they will no longer here the truth. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. But it's even harder when we are going through a Job season, and it seems like everything else is crumbling around us. When our world seems to be falling apart, and no one is noticing. When the devil whispers to us to curse God and die.

But it is during these times when we have to fix our eyes on Jesus all the more. When we need to focus on things above, not on earthly things. When we need to rest in the fact that God knows what He is doing, and that somehow he will use all of this to work for our good. That He will send people to help, that he cares about the people that we are fighting for, and that we are not in this alone. He is right there with us. and He has it all under control, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment. We need to focus on the fact that God has indeed blessed us with amazing friends and an amazing church family, and that He is positioning things in our favor. That as long as we are obedient to what He is telling us to do, He will fight for us, if we will only be still.

Circumstances will make you give up if you focus on them. That's what the Devil wants us to do- to focus on everything that is going wrong and doubt God's goodness and sovereignty. We can't save anybody. No one can save anyone but God alone. The devil wants me to look at the fact that it seems like no one cares, as if hope should rest in people. It doesn't. And I need to remember that.

The thing is, the story of Job seems really depressing and hopeless-  until you get to the end. God made everything right- in fact, he made it better than before Job went through everything he went through. I have seen God do it numerous times in my own life, and the lives of others. He will never fail, and He will never leave of abandon us. He won't leave and abandon the addicts that are dying. If the people who he places them in front of won't help, He will send someone who will. He can soften hearts and redeem and restore all things. He has this under control. And when we come out the other side, we will be refined as gold- as long as we don't let the circumstances discourage us.

I do know, that God will always give us enough encouragement to keep us going, even when we want to give up. I was feeling down about people in our ministry drifting away, relapsing, and going to jail. Then this Sunday I turned around and behind me in church was the first woman who ever walked into CROSSroads. I hadn't seen her in about six months, and I cried tears of joy when I turned around and saw her face. The next day, another one of our girls that had been in jail for months got released, and she is doing better than ever. He let me know that even if sometimes it feels like we aren't making a difference, we are. Even if no one is helping us, God is fighting for us- and that's all we need. Even if it is ONE soul that meets Jesus because we reached out to them- that is enough, and it makes it all worth it. None of it is wasted. Sharing Jesus with people is never a waste, and he will take the seeds that were planted and do the miraculous with them- even if we don't see it right away. That's why we don't quit. That's why we can't quit. Because even one addict's life matters to God.

There is a Casting Crown's song that says "your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place, I'm on the throne, stop holding on, and just be held".  What looks like things falling apart to us is usually God rearranging things to how they should be for his purposes, but many times we can only see that He was working all along in retrospect. My prayer is that God grants me the strength to live out that belief, even in my Job moments.

How painful will God's best be?

I ran across this C.S. Lewis quote yesterday, and it spoke profoundly to me. We have had a very hard past couple of days as a family. Some major decisions have had to be made. All of our plans have begun to go awry. I have questioned my calling to ministry, I've been wondering if it's worth it. All of the sacrifices and loneliness, the effects that have begun to rear their ugly head with my family. The cost, it seems, is almost too much. I'm tired of doing things alone with out a support system. Sometimes it seems as if my husband and I are the only ones who think this thing is worth fighting for. Others think it's a good cause, and worth  it when it's convenient for them. But they don't let it consume their lives. At the end of the day, if it's too hard, they can quit. When it starts affecting their children, they can quit. When they aren't getting support from anyone else and things are too hard to bear alone, they can quit. I was at the point of quitting yesterday. If they can, I can too. My calling is painful, and I've had enough pain in my life. It doesn't seem fair sometimes. Honestly, the thought of having continue to do this for what could end up being years started to make me nauseous. I'm not sure how much more I can take. This week has left me feeling like a huge failure in more areas than I'd like to admit.

The isolation is deafening. Having problems that you can't speak about to anyone is a hard burden to carry. We had to make some major decisions and sacrifices regarding our son. Things that we need to grieve over, things we need to adjust in our lives for his benefit. My son will always come first, and every sacrifice for him is worth it, but the pain of my husband and I bearing these decisions alone is hard. My husband went to talk to our pastor about what was going on. He said he needed to talk to somebody. Somebody who wouldn't judge, someone we don't have to be an example for. Someone who he doesn't have to worry about using his flaws and shortcomings and failures against him. Someone who understands ministry.Then he looked at me somberly, and said this : ".... And I feel bad because you don't have anyone like that to talk to." And I started crying. Because he's right.

I spent most of yesterday in pity party, feeling sorry for myself and for my wayward plans. Things are not turning out how they were supposed to. I was feeling sorry for my loneliness. I was comparing how all of the other women ministry leaders and pastor's wives have people rallying around to help them, wanting to be their friend, to help with their kids, to help them carry the load. I was sure that when God told us to start CROSSROADS,  he would send in people to help. So why am I going  through ministry alone, without even a friend I can truly talk to about everything~ besides my husband, who already has enough to deal with? Surely God would want that for me!

Sitting in pity can get comfortable. It's so easy to look at all the bad and justify feeling sorry for yourself.  That can be incredibly dangerous for me, because it leads me down the road to depression. That's not road I can go down again, because it could cost me my life. Luckily I recognized it creeping in. I knew nothing else to do but to pray. Ask God why. Why is everything going haywire, why do I feel so isolated, why is there no one to help, why aren't things going right for my son, why do I feel so alone? WHERE ARE YOU GOD?. TAKE THE PAIN AWAY!

Then, quietly, I realized that pain is part of the process. It always has been. The most painful times in my life are when God worked the most. My fiance committing suicide got me to a point where I surrendered to God out of desperation, seeking for something to make the pain go away. My years of drug addiction broke me down to the point that I have compassion and empathy for people in the same situation because I remember that torturous  pain so vividly. My years of being thrust into ministry leadership in the women's home in Milwaukee were years of being being attacked, and knowing the pain of not having a person to lean on. But I learned how to fight, and I learned to lean on God.

My greatest spiritual lessons and growth have been born from pain. In  retrospect, it's easy to look back and see how God worked it all out for good. But boy, is it hard to realize it when you're going through it. My husband's favorite saying is  "no matter what, it's going to be okay." And I know that. I know that God truly does work it all out for our good. But I also know that he uses painful circumstances to bring about that good. That's the part I don't like. That's the scary part. Knowing that God's best could mean I have to go through another death, another loss, another humbling experience, another stretch of loneliness to make me utterly dependent on Him and Him alone is what I have a hard time dealing with. I know it will be used for good, but I don't want to go through it. I wish there was an easier, softer way. A way for God to bring about his will softly and gently.

For some people, that IS how he works. But I'm hard headed. Pain gets my attention. When things are going good and I'm happy, it's easy to push God to the side. When I need to focus on him, pain does the trick. When I start veering off course, he has to smack me upside the head sometimes to straighten out my vision. And that's what I'm holding onto. God loves us too much to leave us the way we are. And if pain is what he needs to use to change me, so be it. I just need to remind myself, that He has never failed me, and he won't stop now. Nothing we go through is wasted, nothing is unnecessary. It may be painful- but it will be used for my good, and one day I will be able to look back on this time in my life and see how God was there all along, and was working His plan out through it all.

It's just up to me to keep walking through the valley. Psalms 23 says though I WALK through the valley of the shadow of death. It doesn't say anything about sitting laying down and sitting in the valley. I have to get up. I have to keep going. I can't let the pain stop me, or let the devil convince me that it's not worth it. I know what God has told me, and I hang onto it for dear life when I reach my breaking point.  I have to know that God is going to bring me through the other side, and that one day this pain will be a memory, a testimony, one more thing to build my faith, one more testament to God's faithfulness.

But boy, does it hurt.