The Ministry of Misfits

The past few months have been an extremely hard season for me, my husband, our family, and our ministry. People betrayed us. People turned their backs on us. People deserted us, abandoned us, and left when we needed them most. We had to break fellowship with people we have been connected to for decades. We began to question why we do this, and if we are still supposed to be doing this. We began to feel alone. Like we were the only ones who cared about the addicts that are dying in the street- dying without knowing Jesus. The devil did his best to destroy us. To make us give up. To walk away. To turn our back on ministry. To throw in the towel.

BUT GOD had another plan. A week and a half ago in North Carolina, we held a 3 day crusade with 3 other ministries. God showed up and showed out! People were healed, delivered from drugs, demons were cast out, people were slain in the spirit, people left speaking in tongues- filled with the Holy Ghost. The presence of God was so heavy that everyone who walked into that place left changed. Including myself. Things that we, and all of the people that we brought with us, would have never experienced if we would have given into discouragement and walked away. Little did we realize then, but we felt so out of place because God was shifting and positioning things. Change was happening- and change hurts. God was taking our will- and what we thought should or would be happening- and was instead making things work for His purposes.

For months, my husband and I have been feeling out of place. Like we don't belong. Like no one  really, truly understands what we go through in ministry. We have felt so unsupported, so misunderstood. Like we were the only ones fighting to keep this thing going, and questioning if maybe we weren't supposed to keep it going at all.

Proverbs 3:5 tells us to not lean on our own understanding, but to trust in the Lord with all of our hearts, and He will direct our paths. Very wise advice, but much easier said than done. Our flesh wants us to lean on our own understanding, on our own logic. We always want to know how things are going to turn out, what the future holds, why things are happening the way that they are. But if this weekend has shown me anything, it's that Isaiah 55:8 has become my new life verse- "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways" declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than that earth, so are my ways higher than your ways."

You see, little did I understand then, but God was working His perfect will together through the rejection, through the abandonment, through having to cut people out of our lives, through feeling detached and alone. You see, EVERY single pastor that was in North Carolina had been feeling the same way. They had had the same exact things happen to them and their ministries. They had people turn their backs on them, betray them, they had to walk away from people. They had felt alone and detached too. What we thought was people, was actually God orchestrating things for His purpose. God used that detachment and loneliness that was brought on by people in ministry hurting us to bring all of us together. He separated all of us for HIS purpose, not ours. He used what we had been going through to connect us with each other. To allow this crusade and revival to happen- and for the many more to come.  What we thought was people kicking us to the curb, was actually GOD positioning us where we needed to be, and removing people from our lives that would hinder His plan, so that HE can move through us as a ministry team the way that HE needs to- with no constraints, no looking towards the approval of people, no boxing in the Holy Spirit. And in order for that to happen, He had to remove all of us from where we were at, to take us to where we needed to be- and He loved us enough to make sure that people who would hinder or hurt us and what God wants to do didn't come with us.

So here we are. A rag tag gang of misfits being used by God to make a difference in the lives of the lost by preaching the gospel. Being a misfit has given me enormous sympathy and love for other misfits- the outcasted, the unloveable, the rejects, the addicts, the gangbangers, the prostitutes, those who don't fit in with "proper" society. I have a heart for misfits. And so does Jesus. His entire ministry was built on misfits. He preached to lepers, prostitutes, murderers. He was not in the synagogues preaching to the Pharisees and the "proper" people of society- because not only did He
come to heal the sick- and those who knew that they needed God rather than resting in their own righteousness and good works- but He (God Himself!), was a misfit and not accepted by the Pharisees. He knew what it was to be rejected, to be abandoned, to be mocked, to be looked down upon, to be talked about, to be persecuted.

You know where else I have heard about a rag tag gang of misfits? In the new testament. The disciples of Jesus Christ- the disciples Jesus himself called- were misfits of society. God Himself did not recruit the religious elite for His crew.  Instead, He chose what was despised in this world to shame the pride of the haughty (1 Corinthians 1:27). A shady tax collector, a violent radical named Simon, two very arrogant hotheads named James and John, those who held non-elite jobs and thus weren't seen as "worthy" in their society (fishermen), and a violent Jewish thug who persecuted, imprisoned, and helped murder the very early followers of Jesus -Saul of Tarsus- formed the inner circle of our sinless God.  If Jesus had chosen the Pharisees or Jewish rabbis to be his followers, we might have reason to doubt the unconditional nature of salvation. We might question our own worthiness or ability to win His approval or beckon His attention. But the fact that Jesus chose men such as the disciples shows that the heart of God is not swayed by human convention. No one is beyond the reach of God’s grace.

Throughout history, God has always used the least likely and the most unqualified to provoke change. The Bible is full of misfits—those who usually lost out on man's approval but always won with a God-dreamed vision. They are the ones man overlooks but God notices and plucks from obscurity.
God almost always chooses the one who wouldn't get picked to be on man's team to be an all-star on God's team (Prov. 15:25).

It is the misfits who know that we are, without a doubt, nothing without God. We know that there is no good in us at all without Jesus. We know that through our own righteousness (what a joke!) and good works, we can do nothing. Peter and John healed a man, and when the Pharisees and High Priests brought them before them to be questions, the bible says, "When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus."- Acts 4:13.

What made these unqualified, misfit servants of Jesus stand out as they went about preaching the gospel was not who they WERE but who they KNEW. The message of their lives said these men had been with Jesus, and they (and everyone else!) understood that without God's intervention in their lives, they were simply unqualified fools. They were feared by the religious and powerful, because they never relied on themselves to do anything. Their entire reputation was one that made others sit up and say, "These guys have been with Jesus!" - because everyone knew it couldn't be done through their own righteousness- since they had none! Their lives showed the power of God to all- just hearing about former murderers, tax collectors,  thugs, and the non-socially elite and uneducated healing people in the name and power of God pointed people back to Jesus- because everyone knew that these things couldn't be done out of their own human power- because of how screwed up they had been!

Being a misfit is a constant reminder to me, and the people I do ministry with, that we are nothing without Jesus, and can do nothing without His power. We are well aware at how powerless and screwed up we were when He found us and saved us. It is those who God has saved out of the deepest pits that understand just howmighty He really is, and how powerless we are on our own. The addicts and prostitutes and murderers and liars and gang members and thieves who have head on collision with Jesus and become set free and transformed are aware of just how powerful God's hand really is, and just how far He is willing to reach to accept us back to Him when we repent and surrender. Misfits are able to minister to other misfits- the ones who haven't been accepted into mainstream churches, the ones who need someone to go to THEM and tell them about Jesus.

God is awakening the misfits and the unqualified. Purity is the backbone of authority, and authority is determined by brokenness. It is brokenness that keeps us from exalting ourselves in pride but rather be humble, it deepens our compassion for other's suffering and have our heart break for them the way Jesus' does, it causes us to become dependent on his mercy, provision and grace since we can't accomplish anything on our own in our broken state. In brokenness, we become desperate and surrender with all our might to the only one we know can heal us. We get to know God much better in the pit than we ever will on a pedestal. God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).  The spiritual depth of the does not come from degrees on the wall or memberships in prestigious God clubs but from the classroom of brokenness. God has always confounded the wise. He calls forth the available, no matter how misfitting they are.

And I am proud to be one of God's misfits, no matter what the world may think.

2 Corinthians 3: "Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? ² You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. ³ You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.⁴ Such confidence we have through Christ before God. ⁵ Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. ⁶ He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."

Silence that's deafening.

My husband and son during a hospital visit.

This week has been one where silence has spoken extremely loudly. You never really know just how loud silence actually is until you are unwillingly stuck in it. The sound of grief, of fear, of the unknown, can truly speak louder than words ever could. You can feel silence, while words are fleeting.

This week I went the funeral of a gorgeous, perfect 2 month old baby. Her parents led our small group for years, and they are truly good people. As I sat in the church during the service, looking at her perfect little body in the casket, the weight of silence- of stillness- became very apparent. My heart broke for her family. What they would give to have noise instead of silence- baby coos, laughter, and crying- instead of the overwhelming weight of quietness. There are no words that anyone could ever say that will speak louder than the void of not having their baby girl there.

It was an emotional day for me, not only because I was at the funeral of an infant- which is emotionally draining on anyone- but because I don't do well with funerals to begin with. I've been to too many. Too many of people that I was extremely close with- who meant the world to me. Every time I find myself in another funeral, I start envisioning the next one- worrying when I am going to be sitting in those chairs again. Terrified of whose body is going to be in the casket next time. Sometimes death comes with no warning- no clue that anything is wrong, no reason to think that the person that died would have ever been in a casket before you are- like this precious baby girl. But sometimes death comes more slowly. People struggle with long term illnesses and health problems where you can start to prepare yourself for their end. I have grieved both kinds of deaths, and honestly I'm not sure which is worse.

I found myself starting to worry about my husband during this funeral. My husband has chronic health issues, and the thought of him dying before me is almost too much to bear. But, in all reality, that is probably the way it is going to happen. I started hyperventilating and crying over my husband's future death. I started to feel the weight of grief that I have felt so many times before- the same grief this baby girl's parents were feeling at that very moment. I fear death- not for myself- but for the people I love. I don't want to be left to live without them. I've done it too many times before. When you have had so many people that you love dearly die on you, you can't help but worry about who the next one is going to be. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism to prepare myself for it, or a way to try and brace myself so I don't feel it quite as hard- but dwelling on thoughts like that are not a good way to live. It robs you of the joy in the present when you are constantly worried about the future.

I had to force myself to snap out of it. I had to remind myself that God is in control of ALL things- from the time we are born until the time we take our last breath. I kept repeating Romans 8:28 to myself: ALL things work together for the good of those who love God. When my husband's time does come, it will be in God's control, and He will continue to take care of me the same way he has done my entire life. He will be there for me in the valley of the shadow of death the same way He has been in the past. God is faithful, and I had to cast down the thoughts that were coming into my mind from satan- telling me I would be abandoned, not cared for, that my life would be ruined, that God wouldn't see me through it. That's not the truth. Fear is not from God, and I have known God long enough to know that he has a reason for everything that happens, and that He WILL work it out for my good. Like when my fiancé committed suicide. I remember very vividly staring at his casket during his wake, thinking how things were really messed up now. My life was over. There was no fixing this. Yet, years later, it turned out that his death was the very thing that pushed me to the point that I was desperate enough to surrender to God, and he saved me. It's what allowed God to break me out of my addiction. It's what allowed me to share hope with other people who are going through the same thing. It's what ultimately saved my life- though you would have never been able to convince me that any good would come out of it at that moment I was staring at the man I was supposed to marry in a casket.

I brushed my fear of my husband dying off. It's part of the PTSD that still pops its head up every once in awhile from Dave dying. We have too much work to do- too many lives to touch- for God to take him now. I know that. But then, the day after the baby's funeral, we were having dinner with friends at our home, and my husband started having chest pains. I had him chew an aspirin, and he waited another 15 minutes, but the pain got worse. Our friend Chris drove him to the emergency room, while I stayed here with my sleeping baby. A million thoughts started rushing through my head. Was yesterday at the funeral a warning? Was God trying to prepare me for something? Was he warning me? I started to truly panic. The thought of my husband dying- of my son growing up without a father- became much too real. The day before I convinced myself that it was me getting myself worked up, my PTSD resurfacing, my mind playing tricks on me, satan putting thoughts in my head to get me to fear. But this, this was real.

Three days and batteries of tests later, there was still no concrete answer about what was wrong with my husband. Silence. Deafening silence. Silence so loud, that all I could hear were my fears. As I sat in my quiet home at night while the baby was sleeping, the void of my husband not being here became overwhelming. No late night conversations, no dinners together, no watching our favorite tv series together to wind down at the end of the day. The house was void of the sound of him snoring, the sound of him laughing, the sound of him singing his praise songs to God. Just the sound of..... nothingness. A void where my husband used to be. It started to drive me crazy.

But then, I had to re-center myself. I had to remember that I know who God is, and that no matter what happens, God is in control. I recalled the words of a very wise woman- my Pastora from Milwaukee- when her husband Pastor Cano died. I remember telling her that I was so sorry this had happened, and that I didn't know why it had to happen. She looked me straight in the eye and said "Oh no, I don't question God. God is still good, and He knows why." What a woman of strength! I found myself taking solace in those words. God forbid, if my husband were to die- I have to always remember that God is God, and I am not. That He is good, even when the circumstances are bad. I have to rest in the fact that no matter what happens in my life- good or bad- I am God's child, and he will take care of me. I have to remember that my trust is not in men- not even my husband- but God alone. He is the God who gives and takes away, and he sees things that we can't. Satan wants me to fear the unknown. I am determined to not allow him that control over me. Sometimes you just need to step back from your emotions, and step into God's truth. To remember that God has been faithful in the past, and will continue to be. To remember that God knows our every sorrow, our grief, our fear, our hurt, our loneliness- and He is there with us in it.

God is faithful. My husband is coming home today. I am going to pick him up in half an hour.  He has to have a procedure done next month to fix some stuff going on in his heart- and I am trusting God with that. I am trusting God that my husband will be alive until the exact second that God's infinite wisdom says otherwise. My prayers were answered, but that's not always the case. There will come a day when my husband does die, and I will need to cling to God all the more. But for now, the silence in my home is about to be lifted, and I will have the laughter and snoring of my husband back. Glorious sounds. Sounds that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Sounds I much prefer over silence.

Not that silence is a bad thing. Sometimes, when things are the quietest, God will speak to you the loudest. When things are falling apart around you, you can trust that God is there speaking to you, telling you not to fear. The most spiritual growing times in my life have been in devastating times of silence. God will use EVERYTHING- even the heartbreaking, silent times- for good. I am not knocking the silence. But for now, I am SO grateful for the noise, and appreciating it in all its glory.

Restoring what was lost...

Cocoa Beach, Florida~ where we have been lucky enough to enjoy our dream vacation!

We are halfway through a fabulous family vacation in Florida. This is honestly the best time we have ever had in our lives. We have been spending our days with no work or agendas but instead swimming in the ocean, walking along the beach and picking up seashells with my son, lounging by the pool, and taking in the amazing sights of God's unique creatures (the peacocks running around our subdivision, the crabs on the beach, and the geckos on the porch) while staying in a beautiful condo. I honestly could not ask for a better vacation. And this vacation is so meaningful to me, because it's one I was supposed to take years ago that was stolen from me. It's one I never thought I'd have the chance to take again.

In 2008, I was scheduled to go to Orlando with my sons and parents. My very generous uncle had offered to pay for the entire trip- a week at Disney world, the hotel rooms, food, and airplane tickets. I was so elated to have the chance to go, because it's something I could have never afforded to do on my own. Something I would never be able to offer my children. Something that my parents were never able to offer me. This was my one and only shoot to go on a real vacation- the kind you hear "normal" people talk about.

God knows I needed normalcy very badly at that point in my life. I was at the lowest point of my addiction, and under the influence of SOMETHING 24 hours a day. I was close to death, and needed something to make my life worth living. This trip to Florida was able to excite me enough to want to be alive to see it.

The plane tickets to Florida were bought, and we were all set to go. Then, on THIS EXACT DAY seven years ago- May 23RD 2008, right before I was set to leave for Florida, I woke up to find my fiance dead. Not just dead, but dead in the most horrific way possible. I woke up and he wasn't in bed with me, so I walked around the house trying to find him. I noticed a sliver of light coming from the basement- a place we never went. I walked down stairs towards the light, and saw a sight my brain really couldn't comprehend.

It looked like he was standing on his tippytoes. I called to him and asked what he was doing and told him he was late for work. I walked closer to him, talking to him the entire time. He looked odd, and wasn't moving. As I got closer, I realized that his tounge was hanging out the side of his mouth. That was odd... I walked closer and closer, talking to him the entire way, until I was standing right next to him. I reached my hand out and touched his face- which was ice cold and rock hard. He was dead. Very dead. He had hung himself from the rafters in the middle of the night- a tortured soul who could see no way out of the hell of addiction that we were both trapped in.

That was a turning point in my life. I was so heartbroken, so traumatized, and so hopeless, that I plunged even deeper into my addiction. I became suicidal myself, to the point that I had to check into a psychiatric ward. The one person who had ever truly loved me was gone, and to make it worse, he CHOSE to leave. Ultimately though, his leaving up opened up the door for me to find God. I was in so much emotional pain that the drugs and alcohol couldn't numb it anymore. I would later end up so desperate that I would decide to try the God thing. But it was a long, painful journey.

So, as I sat in the psych ward mourning the loss of my fiance and struggling to fight he images of his dead body in my head, my family left and went to Florida. My sister took my place, and they all went to Disneyworld. I obviously wasn't in any kind of shape to go on vacation, but I can remember being so heartbroken and feeling so forgotten. I felt like I had been robbed of so much by his suicide and our addictions. I wondered how my family could enjoy being at the happiest place on earth while I sat in a psych ward wanting to end my life. I realized that while my life had ended, everyone else's carried on. I had nobody. And certainly I would never have anyone who cared again, because I was beyond damaged. I was damaged before his death, but this took it to a whole new level.

Obviously I didn't want my kids to miss going to Disneyworld. But I can very vividly remember wondering why God hated me so much. Why did this have to happen now? Why didn't I deserve anything good in my life, ever? My one shot of having a decent vacation was ripped away from me, just like my future with the man I loved. I didn't get it. Why couldn't I get a break?

 When I was released from the psych ward, I was greeted by no one. The loneliness was deafening. I plunged straight back into my addiction full force. Eventually, I ended up at Milwaukee victory church where God changed my life. But it was hard. That was without a doubt the most devestating time in my life. But God had a plan, and little did I know then that he would work everything I was going through for my good.

I know now that it wasn't God who was withholding things from me. My addiction stole every good thing in my life.  Satan came to kill, steal, and destroy, and he was doing that all through the access he had to my life through my addiction.  Not only did he want me miserable, enslaved, and hopeless, but he wanted me dead. Just like my fiance.

I write this now, seven years to the day that my life changed forever, as I am in our car traveling to Orlando with my beautiful family. My husband- the man God knew I needed- and our beautiful new son. A son who wouldn't be here right now if my fiance from 2008 didn't kill himself, and if I wouldn't have taken my broken heart and given it to God. We are traveling to the exact spot of the vacation I was supposed to go on years ago that was stolen from me. A vacation I thought was irreplaceable and lost forever.

God is in the restoration and redemption business. The bible says that he will restore everything that was lost, and redeem the years the locust have eaten. And I am seeing that truth lived out. That's not to say that we should expect God to necessarily give us monetary things, though he may, he is much more interested on redeeming our hearts and letting us know how precious we are to him. God knew that my heart had never fully healed from that lost vacation and the circumstances that surrounded it. Though I no longer think about it much, it was still a sore spot in my heart, one that God wanted to heal and make right.

He used this vacation- a vacation I never expected to be on- to remind me that he is the God who sees, the God who knows, and the God who cares. Every hurt, and every detail of my life matters to him. When I start to doubt that, he shows me in the most unexpected ways just how much he loves me. And he reminds me that no matter how much the devil has stolen, he has the power to restore it all. No one has ever made too many mistakes or wandered too far for God to give you a glorious future right where you are if you give your life to him.

So for me, this is so much more than a vacation. This is testament to how good God is, and how he can take trials and turn him into triumphs and messes into messages for his glory. I am deserving of none of it, and I am grateful that he loves me immensely despite all of my imperfections. It brings to remembrance just how far he's brought me, and that he was there right by my side through it all. He loved me at my darkest. And he has given me new memories to associate with May 23 RD. Instead of it being a day of Sadness, it will now be remembered as a day of redemption. A date of pain is now a date of awe. That I am the daughter of a God who wants to heal my hurts- even if it takes a Florida vacation to do it.

No matter what is going on in your life, remember that God is good. Even In the horrible moments, there is a plan, and he is there. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find Mickey mouse =)

Resurrected Dreams

This past Friday, I graduated with honors from the University Of Wisconsin with my AAS associates degree. While graduating from college and the attainment of education and knowledge through hard  is always something to be celebrated, for me it held an even deeper meaning.

For me, graduating college was a dream that died long ago. I had always been incredibly smart, and was placed in gifted classes starting in third grade. My family- as well as myself- knew that I possessed the brains to make something of myself, but my addiction had other ideas. What could have been a bright future was instead marred by years of alcohol and drug addiction.

I tried- and failed to go to college four times before this. I would make it about a week, and then I would drive drunk and crash my car, or get arrested for assaulting someone, or doing something else that would sabotage my attempt at college. Ultimately, each time I had to drop out- because my addiction was so strong that I could not put it on pause while I sought a degree. It got to the point that I gave up trying to go to school, and came to terms with the fact that I would never be a college graduate. I wasn't meant to be a professional, all I would ever be was an alcoholic and an addict. And I was ok with that. After so many failed attempts to control my addiction, I decided that I would stop trying to not be an addict, and instead be the best drug addict I could be, and go at it with full force.

I was perfectly ok not only with the idea of never going to college, but of never having anything that resembled a life. I stopped getting my hopes up that I would ever break free because I had tried so many times before and failed. Drugs were my life. Being an addict was what I was good at. I was convinced that it was how I would live the rest of my life- and end it.

My graduation this past week is so much more than a piece of paper, but a statement. It is a testament to how far Almighty God has brought me. From the person shaking on the couch who was unable to walk or speak without having a drink first, to someone who now speaks loud and proud to  help people who are in the same position. From someone who was in and out of jail to someone who tells others about the freedom found in Jesus Christ so that they can be liberated from their chains. From someone who chose drugs over her children, to someone whose life revolves around her sons.  From someone who knew nothing but the hopelessness and despair that comes with drug addiction, to someone who has a hope and a future in Jesus Christ.

I can only hope that my story can be a testimony to others and give them hope that no matter where they are, or how lost or hopeless they may feel, God can turn it all around. He cares about every aspect of your life, and if you give your life to him, he will turn it into something marvelous. There is still hope, and it's never too late.

My graduation this week was my first tie ever in a cap and gown. I graduated high school on time and with my class, however I didn't go to the reception because I was 8 months pregnant with my oldest son. It had always bothered me that I missed my chance to be in a cap and gown. The smart kid, the gifted honor student- the one everyone expected to be in a cap and gown, was one of the only ones who wasn't. It was something that honestly embarrassed and haunted me my entire life. God knew it, and he made it right this past week. Not only did I get to wear a cap and gown, but I graduated with honors- while running a full time ministry, taking care of a two year old, and juggling my husband's hectic schedule. I truly believe God let me get to where I am so that I wouldn't be embarrassed anymore. He wanted to restore my past, and give me beauty for ashes, and he did.

I have learned a lot through this graduation process. Not only have I learned that I am stronger and more capable than I ever believed, but I have seen just how proud my husband is of me and how much he loves me. He threw me a surprise graduation with many of the people that I love mot in attendance. It is the second surprise party I have ever had in my life- the first one being the birthday party my husband threw me two weeks ago =) He went out of his way to make me feel special, loved, and honored in a way that no one ever has before. I am truly blessed to have him as my partner in life. His efforts to go above and beyond to show me that I am loved and cherished means more than he will ever know.

I have also learned that sometimes, people that you may expect to be happy for you may not be. Sometimes people will root for you to fail instead of push you to succeed, and sometimes no matter how far you go in life or how much you change, there will always be someone with something negative to say, or someone who refuses to see you as anything other than an addict. Sometimes people aren't happy for your successes, because it takes away their excuse for why they can't accomplish the same in their lives. The trick is to not let the negativity affect you. Surround yourself with the people who DO love you, and love the others from afar.

I have been told multiple times this week that I am an inspiration. The truth is, I am nothing. It's all God. He's the one who took this hopeless, lost, pitiful life and turned it into something beautiful. He is the God of redemption, the God of restoration, and the God on second, third, and 100th chances. And he can do it for anybody. Anyone can have the same ending as I do. No matter how bad the beginning is, there is always hope for it to turn around if you are breathing. How you finish is what matters. And with God on your side, I promise that your ending will be better than you ever imagined. Despite your mistakes, your bad choices, and your wrong turns- God has a plan for your life. Your dead dreams can be resurrected by God's power.

                                   

 My uncle read the following at my after-graduation celebration dinner. It is a speech by Nelson Mandela. I thought it was a very fitting choice for the occasion:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Of course God can change anyone... except for them!

1 Timothy 1:12-16
 I am grateful to the one who has strengthened me, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he considered me faithful in putting me into ministry, even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor, and an arrogant  man. But I was treated with mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief, and our Lord’s grace was abundant, bringing faith and love in Christ Jesus. This saying is trustworthy and deserves full acceptance: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners” – and I am the worst of them!   But here is why I was treated with mercy: so that  in me as the worst,  Christ Jesus could demonstrate his utmost patience, as an example for those who are going to believe in him for eternal life.

I can totally relate to Paul. I was the "worst of the worst." Ten years ago, if you would have asked anyone who knew me if they thought I would not only A) be sober B) be a Christian c) be running a ministry for drug addicts, they would have laughed in your face. "Sure," they would had said, "God changes people, but Deanna? That's a tough job- even for him." Back then, I would have whole heartedly agreed with them. I was an impossible case- a lost cause. I remember one of my relatives telling me a few years after I had gotten saved that my family reached a point where they had been praying for me for so long- and I just kept getting worse-that they totally gave up hope. It didn't look like God was going to intervene, and I'm not completely sure that they even believed that he could change me even if he decided he wanted to intervene. Transforming Paul was one thing. Transforming me was another.

But I was treated with mercy (vs 16). He could- and did- transform me. In doing so, he gained the glory, because people knew the change HAD TO BE FROM GOD. Nothing else could have changed me- it was no less than a miracle. People that I used to party with started wondering if maybe this Jesus thing had a ring of truth to it- if he changed my life (one of the worst of the worst), maybe there was hope for them. Miracles like these are recorded all throughout the bible. Jesus takes messed up people- sometimes horribly messed up- and transforms them for his glory and his purpose. In fact, a majority of people that God uses to do his will are the people who were majorly messed up, because not only is his transformative power displayed the most where there is the biggest change, but "messed up" people tend to rely on God heavily because they know that they can do nothing in their own power. Their years of failing at life serve to keep them humble- remembering where they came from- and reminding them that they are nothing without God.

God could have used the super religious people in the bible that kept all of the laws, had spotless pasts and exemplary lives, were model citizens and were bible scholars to work through, but instead he chose what I like to refer to as the misfits- those that were looked down on by the Pharisees because their lives were not "righteous" enough- to do his work. The people that no one expected anything from, that no one believed could ever amount to anything.- those were the ones he wanted.  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong (1 Corinthians 1:27).  He chooses the "misfits" to show the people who think that they have it all together exactly how much, in fact, they don't have it all together.

The truth of the matter is, that we are all messed up- some of us are just more visibly messed up than others , and to varying degrees. None of us are deserving of God's grace and mercy because we are all imperfect sinners. So why is it that some Christians look at the some people as "lost causes"- with  long running strongholds and bondages in their lives- and not believe that God can change them? Isn't the same sacrifice that God made for their sins sufficient for other people's? The bible is riddled with accounts of God changing the worst of the worst, and doing miraculous things through their lives. Jesus' death on the cross paid for ALL sin.  Why is it that we can so easily believe that God cant forgive us for our gossiping, our unforgiveness, our pride, or our lust- but the thought of him being able to forgive the drug addict, the deadbeat dad, the compulsive liar, the adulterer, the wife beater, the pedophile, and the serial killer is incomprehensible to some people? I hear people say things like "once a liar, always a liar," "once a cheater, always a cheater," "once a criminal, always a criminal." Why do self professing Christians limit the power of the cross by saying things like this? Is there any sin too great for God to forgive?  You might as well be saying "Jesus' death covered these sins over here... but wasn't powerful enough to cover these ones."

People have a tendency to see their own sin as less appalling and offensive to God than other's. It is easy to hold the promise of Isaiah 1:18 (... though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow...) true for ourselves but not for people that we see as "worse" than us- especially when it is someone who has hurt us in some way that we need to forgive. We want justice- or in a lot of cases, vengeance. We see the sin that they committed against us as so hurtful, that they need to be punished. How could God possibly forgive THEM? Surely they could NEVER change after all of the horrible things they have done! Where is the justice? Isn't God's forgiveness just letting them off of the hook?"

 Working in the ministry that I do, and coming from the background that I come from, I have seen this too many times to count. People who have turned their lives over to God and completely changed their  still have to live with the stigma of the whispers and judgments from people who know their past. "Isn't that the sex offender/ wife beater/ prostitute?" More often than not, though, it comes from people close to them. Drug addicts hurt a lot of people in their addiction. Hurt that is not easy for people to forget. The new Christian may be constantly barraged with statements like "remember when you did such and such when you were high? How can you possibly be a Christian? What kind of a Christian does that?"  Instead of accepting the new believer's identity in Christ,  people sometimes can't see past who they used to be. They condemn them over actions in the past- actions that are perceived as unforgiveable from a human standpoint- even though God forbids these thoughts and actions for a Christian.

Acts 10:2
... God has showed me that I should not call any man unclean that he has made clean...

People can justify this line of thinking because God is a just God. We feel as if the sinner should be punished to our human standards. I remember when the serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer- who committed dozens of heinous murders, cannibalisms, and other unspeakable acts of violence against men in Milwaukee- went on national television in while he was in prison to announce that he had accepted Jesus Christ as Lord. He was baptized in prison, and was a confessed believer. He had repented for his sins, and turned his life over to the Lord. And people were outraged. The reactions were heard across the country- " How DARE this man who did horrible, unforgiveable things think that he can go to heaven? He needs to pay for what he has done! Surely God would not let him 'off the hook' just because he confesses that Jesus is his savior and claims to have repented! HOW could God forgive THAT?"

Surely God is a just God. There is no arguing with that. But he is also a God of grace and mercy. I cannot say whether Jeffrey Dahmer had truly repented, or truly accepted Jesus- nor is it my place to- but if he did, I do know that he is in heaven. What we see as horrible and unforgiveable things from a human perspective, God has the power to forgive. The "little" sins that we think God can surely forgive in us (unforgiveness, slander, covetousness, gossip), are the same to God as the "big sins" we see in others (murder). Bondages to certain sins that people have struggled with for a long time  (the drug addict who has been using for 30 years, the man who abandoned his kids for their entire childhood, the homosexual who has lived that lifestyle for years) can be forgiven just as easily as the one white lie that you told last week.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 

Heaven will be full of sinners who repented and trusted by Faith that Jesus paid their debt and took their punishment. Not perfect people, or even good people, but messed up people who gave their wills and lives over to God and trusted Jesus as their savior. None of us deserve his mercy. It is unmerited and a gift from him because of his goodness, not ours. We were all in darkness before we found Jesus. Some of us were just there awhile longer than others and had different sins. But as Christians, we are all his.      

References for 1 Corinthians 6:9

• Cross References

• 9 6:9 - S Mt 25:34 ; Gal 5:21
• 10 6:9 - Job 13:9 ; 1Co 15:33 ; Gal 6:7 ; Jas 1:16
• 11 6:9 - Lev 18:20 ; Dt 22:22
• 12 6:9 - Lev 18:22

                                                       

References for 1 Corinthians 6:10

• Cross References

• 13 6:10 - 1Ti 1:10 ; Rev 21:8 ; 22:15

1 Peter 2:

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

References for 1 Peter 2:9

• Cross References

• 19 2:9 - Dt 10:15 ; 1Sa 12:22
• 20 2:9 - ver 5
• 21 2:9 - Ex 19:6 ; Dt 7:6 ; Isa 62:12
• 22 2:9 - S Tit 2:14
• 23 2:9 - S Ac 26:18

Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

I understand the need for justice. But God's justice is not like ours. If we aren't careful, we can very easily slip into the mindset of thinking that we deserve God's grace but other people don't. That we are somehow more worthy to be saved than someone that we see as a "worse sinner." I think about the parable of the workers in the Vineyard (Matthew 20:1-6). The Vineyard owner (God) hired workers to work in his field for the day, and the workers agreed to do the work for the day's wage. Near the end of the day, the vineyard owner went out and hired even more workers to work his land. At the end of the day, he paid them all the same amount, and the workers who had been hired earlier in the morning became enraged. They felt as if they deserved more- or at least the others deserved less- because they had worked all day long in the heat, and the others coming in at the tail end earned the same thing for a fraction of the work. They felt that they were entitled to more because they had done more, and for longer. But the vineyard owner wanted to give them all the same (like God wants to give us all salvation), because he was generous. Just like the vineyard workers that had been hired early in the day, sometimes people who have led a good life their entire life, and always tried to do the right thing, feel slighted when the late in the day workers (say, a drug addict who didn't START doing the right thing until they were 50 years old) come in and are blessed by God in the same way that the person doing right their entire life is. From a human perspective, it would be frustrating. To work your entire life to do the right thing and lead a Christian life while the guy next to you did the wrong thing, hurt people in the process, and wanted nothing to do with God until recently -yet you both get the same "reward" -doesn't seem fair. But looking from a spiritual perspective, you see just how fair it truly is. The bible state that their is none righteous- not even the person doing the right thing their whole life. They need salvation and forgiveness in Jesus just as much as the more obvious sinner. But GOD WANTS TO SAVE BOTH OF THEM. He is "not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9). God wants everyone to be saved- to be able to live with him in eternity- whether they come to accept him at the beginning of their lives or at their last breath. Imagine the heartbreak of God when one of the children that he loves refuses to accept him. The guy coming in at the end of the day and getting paid the same amount doesn't seem so crazy now, does it? No one can earn their salvation by doing the right thing, or being a good person, or by any other form of works. Salvation is a gift from God.

God does change hearts- he changes people- even them.  The person whose sins look much greater than yours, the person who treated you horribly, the person that abused you, the person that's slandering you, the person that you have given a million chances to yet never changed- God can change them. Think of the worst sinner you can imagine, times a million, and God can change them into wonderful people if they surrender to him.  He can take the most messed up people with hopeless futures and turn them into amazing miracles that bring glory to him.  But sometimes it is a process. So if you ever catch yourself thinking "he can't possibly change them...",  or "how could they possibly be forgiven", remember where you were at when God found you. Remember the mistakes, the lessons, the time, and the massive supply of grace, mercy, and forgiveness that Jesus gave you during the process- and try to offer that same mercy and grace to other people. Nobody's past is too broken for God to fix, and we should be cheering on all of our brothers and sisters in Christ as they turn their back on the world and walk into who they are in Jesus. Let's make an effort to see them as Jesus sees them- completely forgiven, with their sins washed away- instead of wondering how God could forgive them. Because, they are not the same person you may have known from the past. From the moment of salvation, they are a new creation. So let's offer them the encouragement to embrace their new identities.

2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation. Behold, old things have passed away, all things have been made new.