The storms of life prove the strength of our anchor.

    The storms of life prove the strength of our anchor.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

                                                     Proverbs 3:5,6 

The past few months, our lives have been filled with storms- and I'm not talking tiny ones. Not "my kid spilled juice on my new carpet", "I'm fighting with my best friend", "we are tight on money this month" kind of storms. I'm talking earthshaking storms, the kind that change your entire life. The kind that will either force you to panic and lose all faith, or make you cling to your belief that God will get you through the other side of the storm. 

We lost our home.

While we were camping with our CROSSroads group at LifeFest (a huge 3 day Christian concert in Osh Kosh), we got a call telling us that our apartment had flooded. The tenant above us broke a pipe, and water drained down into our apartment for over an hour, and the damage was so bad that we would have to move out for them to be able to fix it. 

Now, as a woman, your home is a safety net. It's where a lot of our stability comes from, and the place we offer stability to our children and spouses. To have it pulled out from under you with no warning leaves you in a state of panic that I can't even put into words.

The home we had spent years building, caring for, and making memories in was just suddenly gone.

We had to do an emergency move- and thanks to some great friends, it got done pretty fast. Thankfully, NONE of our stuff was ruined or even wet- only the walls in the apartment were damaged. We were put in a temporary upstairs apartment in the same complex, but told we would need to find somewhere else to live. We were basically homeless- technically having somewhere to stay for awhile, but not able to have a home, and living out of boxes with most of our stuff stored in the garage because we knew we were just going to have to move again. 

For weeks, I prayed and fasted. I didn't understand why this was happening, but I knew God had a reason. I've been walking with God and doing ministry long enough where I have seen God use crazy, confusing circumstances to orchestrate His will, and use bad things to bring blessings.  

Knowing that, however, didn't stop me from worrying. Or grieving. Or hurting for my little boy- the little boy that I am responsible for giving a stable life-  who was so confused about where his home went and didn't know where he was supposed to sleep at night, that he walked around with his blanket crying until finally settling on the floor and falling asleep, because he no longer had his bedroom. I felt like I had lost a big part of our lives, without the chance of closure.

Being in limbo is a horrible feeling- especially if you are someone who isn't blessed with the spiritual gift of patience. The not knowing what is going to happen next is a nightmare for someone with control issues. 

How were we going to find somewhere else to live? How were we going to move everything? Where we were going to come up with all of the extra money to do this? I had tons of thoughts racing through my head, until a still, small voice reminded me that He has never failed me before, and He won't start now. I had to trust Him- because ONLY He could turn this situation around. He was allowing this situation to force me to give up my control, and depend completely and utterly on Him. 

God uses the hardest times in our lives to get us to cling to Him the most. I have grown the most as a Christian when I was personally suffering the most. It is in the times of confusion, of fear, of doubt, of wondering, of feeling forgotten or hurt of lonely, that we grow the closest to Him. It's in the valleys of life where we can truly see God walk with us, and when we come to the mountain on the other side and look back, we can see He was with us all along. 

It is in the valleys where we realize that He alone is enough. When there is nothing that we can do to fix a situation, He shows just how powerful He truly is. Seeing His faithfulness in impossible situations shows us just how much He is God, and just how much He loves us. Seeing Him work things out in ways that no human could, keeps us in awe of His glory and omnipotence. 

 Through all of it, God kept reminding me to put my trust in HIM. Was my security in where I lived at, or in God? Was I putting my faith in a home, or in the one who made all things- including our home? The one who had given it to us to begin with, the one who promises to never leave us or forsake us, the one who has taken care of me through the years even when I wasn't walking with Him- was I really going to believe that He would stop taking care of me now?

God was using that time to build my faith- to trust and depend on Him alone. I believed He would come through- He had to, because there was nothing I could do to fix the situation. I know God well enough to know that He doesn't fail, that He loves me, and that He will never stop caring for me. Yet, everyday, I had to fight the doubt that would creep into my head with the word, prayer and fasting. I had to hold fast to my faith, and trust that my God would come through for me- no matter what it looked like. He will always provide, sometimes just not the way we envisioned. 

I had to fight fear with faith, I had to believe that God would move, I had to recall all of the times He has shown Himself faithful and come through for me before. I had to tell the little voice in my head that would pop up to taunt me with doubt to go for a hike. I had to really, truly stand fast in my faith. The only other option was to completely crumble, become hopeless, and give up.

I have a tattoo on my ankle of a cross, a heart, and an anchor. I got it to remind me of  Hebrews 6:19- that hope in God anchors my soul. I also have a tattoo on my wrist of a cross with a semi-colon to remind me to keep going when I could give up and stop, because God is not done with me yet. I have spent a lot of time in the past month looking at those two tattoos.

I chose to try and look at the positive in the situation. I could have blamed it on the devil- that He had taken our home from us, that we were being punished for something, that God didn't love us anymore- but the more I prayed and fasted, the more I heard God tell me that HE was using our apartment being flooded as a way to move us to where HE wanted us and needed us to be.  It was time for us to move on. He was in control, and I just needed to give my control up to Him, and let Him work out our situation.

So I waited. 

And God showed up.

The end result of all of this chaos was an answer beyond our wildest dreams. God gave us a home that we could never have imagined having. A beautiful, huge house, with tons of room to run and a big back yard for our little boy, a park basically in our backyard, a giant screened in front porch, and wonderful Christian neighbors that uplift and help us. It is literally everything we wanted, and everything we dreamed. It is everything we thought we would never have- and wouldn't have if it wasn't for Him. He has placed some wonderful people in our lives that I will forever be grateful to. 

It's a far cry from our two bedroom apartment that was surrounded by neighbors who hated the fact that we were Christians. 

We are happier than we have ever been. I am astounded and humbled that God loves me the way that He does, because I don't deserve it. That He cares so much about us that He would do whatever He had to (including a flood) in order to get us to His blessings and plan for our lives is amazing. The fact that the creator of the universe knows my hearts' desires and provides in a way that is miraculous is astounding to me. I am nobody, but I am somebody to Him- a beloved daughter of a father who has a good plan for my life, and chases me down to show it to me. 

What we thought was home in our apartment, is not what God intended for us. It was never meant to be permanent, but a stepping stone. He had better things in store. We just had to let go of the old, so that God could give us the new- and not complain about it in the meantime. 

I read a story once about a little girl that had a costume jewelry ring that she loved. She wore it everywhere, and wouldn't take it off. It was fake and made of plastic, but to her it was her most treasured possession. One day, her father came and asked if she would give him her ring. She clung to her little plastic ring, and cried and pleaded to keep it, because she loved it so. Little did she know, that behind his back, her father was holding a real diamond ring. He had something better for her- something better than she had ever known- but she needed to give up what she was holding onto to receive it.

God works that way with us to. His ways are not our ways, and He sees the big picture. He knows what we need, where we need to be, and how we are going to get there. He wants us to trade our plans for his- to give up our plastic ring for his diamond one. Yet sometimes we become so attached to what we know, to what is comfortable, that we lose out by not following God into the unknown. 

God knows. If he takes something away- even if we believe we really need it- it is only to give us something better, or to get us to where we need to be. We just need to trust him in the journey.

In the unknown, in the midst of the storm, is where we learn just how weak we are, but how powerful our God- our anchor- really is. We gain a closeness to God that we would never get any other way.  And in the end, that makes it all worth it. 

James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

1 Peter 1:6-9 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. 

Hebrews 6:19-20

 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

   Job 1:21 

He said, ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.’

I don't want to be a chariot truster.

"Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the Lord our God" (Ps. 20:7, KJV).

This verse came to me this morning. My husband and I are under intense spiritual attack right now. We knew the attacks would worsen once he was ordained as a pastor a few weeks ago, and we thought we were prepared. Spiritual warfare, however, has been taken to a whole new level, in multiple ways. Attacks have seemingly been coming from every side. I started thinking about what I could do to head off the attacks, how I could fix things, what I could do for plan B, who we have in our lives that could help us. Then I remembered this verse.

There have been two other times in my life, besides now, where this verse got me through. One is a time before I knew God- but looking back in retrospect, I saw God working this promise out in my life even before I was willing to accept Him- because He loves us even when we refuse to love Him. It was in 2008, when I was at the height of my drug addiction. My life was a disaster - in and out of jail, I had lost custody of my kids, hopelessly addicted and had just finished my 13th drug rehab (which I only went to avoid prison time) and I had criminal charges in five different counties that I was on probation for. I had no job, but my boyfriend did. At the time, he was my only reason for wanting to continue to survive. Then one morning in May I woke up and found him hanging by an electrical cord around his neck from the rafter in our basement. 

His suicide made me lose the small reasoning I had for trying to hold on to life. I was done fighting. I had no will to live, and had no idea how I could live even if I wanted to. I had no idea where I would live now that he was dead and couldn't pay the bills, and none of my relatives (rightly) trusted me to be in their homes - especially since his suicide made my instability that much more unstable. I had no idea how I was going to eat, how I was going to pay off my probation fines every month (which meant going back to jail), but most importantly I had no idea how it would ever be possible for my life to be redeemed from that point if I was forced to continue living. 

I remember sitting besides his casket at his wake, hopeless and distraught, with those thoughts running through my head. Then, clear as day, I heard a voice tell me that it was going to be okay. As I stared at my dead boyfriend in the funeral parlor, I remember screaming to myself "how is this ok? This is the furthest away from ok that you can get! There is no fixing this!"

And I was right. I couldn't fix it. No human could. 

Not too long after, however, I learned that God specializes in fixing the impossible. It was through my boyfriend's death that I ultimately got desperate enough to surrender to God, and he made a way where there was no way. He placed me in a Christian restoration home where I was not only taken care of, housed, and fed, but I was able to get to know Him in a way I never would have been able to otherwise.  He used that horrible time in my life to draw me to himself, healed me from drug addiction, gave me joy and a purpose again, turned my past from something to be ashamed of into a testimony to help others, and gave me a family. It was a long road, but He showed up. I would have never have dreamed that day in the funeral home that God could turn that situation around. But where I only saw problems, God had a plan all along. I was just too entrenched in my circumstances to be able to believe it. 

The second time in my life this verse really got me through was when my husband and I moved to Marshfield from the ministry we had been in for years in Milwaukee. When we came up here, we had nothing but our bibles and some clothes. We didn't know where we would live, how we would pay bills, how we would get furniture or food, or how we would get around with no car. We had no idea what we were doing here, but we went because God told us to go - and take nothing with us. And He provided in more ways than we could imagine, even when we didn't see how it would happen. Even when WE couldn't make it happen. 

Both times, God showed up. He provided. He says He will never leave or forsake us. And He doesn't lie. 

God had it all along. He always will. Why I act like an Isrealite so many times in my life and start wondering if God has freed me from Egypt just to let me die in the desert is beyond me. He has proven his faithfulness over and over again. Everything comes through Him- every help, every escape, every resource, every open door. And He has a good plan for my life, even when it makes no sense to me. He has shown me that over and over again, and I feel like he is using our current situation to remind me of that and my need to be dependent on Him and Him alone, because He is more than enough and can make a way out of no way. 

When we try to make things happen or worry or look at the resources around us and put our faith in those things instead of God, we are trusting in chariots. When we trust in credit scores or bank accounts or manpower or battle plans or our own self reliance, We are trusting in the created instead of the creator. We are thinking about how we can take care of ourselves instead of trusting in the one who holds the world in the palm of His hand, and whose thoughts are too wonderful for us to understand. 

Sometimes God closes doors because He doesn't intend for there to be a human solution.  He wants to show up in a way where there is no doubt that it was Him, and Him alone that brought you through. He wants to build our faith, show His glory, and display just how much He loves us and is willing to step up for His child. 

Here’s what’s interesting. Although their enemies used horses and chariots in battle, initially God prohibited the children of Israel from even having horses! (Deut. 17:16). 

Imagine the terror the people of Israel must have felt whenever they looked across the valley and saw their enemies lined up in these menacing machines of war, ready to attack.  I know I can feel that way when circumstances are out of my control and I have no idea how I will make it out. Yet look how God instructed them to face their enemies on the battlefield:

"When thou goest out to battle against thine enemies, and seest horses, and chariots, and a people more than thou, be not afraid of them: for the Lord thy God is with thee, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt. ... For the Lord your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you" (Deut. 20:1, 4).

You would think that not having horses or chariots would have made Israel extremely vulnerable against her enemies. So why did the Lord forbid them to multiply horses? The Word tells us why:

"Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the Lord our God. They are brought down and fallen: but we are risen, and stand upright" (Ps. 20:7-8).

God wanted Israel to trust in Him, not horses and chariots, and not their own battle plans. When they faced their enemy on the battlefield, they were to remember how He and He alone - not their weapons, not their intelligence, not their self sufficiency, not their manpower - had delivered them in times past. They were to remember how He delivered them from Egypt’s chariots at the Red Sea (Ex. 14:7). Their faith was to be in Him, not their own ability  (that's why God became so angry at David for taking the census in 1 Chronicles 21- he turned his faith from God to his army). God alone was their battle plan. 

As they remembered Him, they put their trust in Him. And He delivered them. He has done so for me too, and will again. 

When we are in the heat of the battle and it looks like the enemy is closing in, we need to go back and remember all that the Lord has brought us through. He has not changed. Just as He brought us through the trials of yesterday, He will bring us through the trials of today and tomorrow too.

I don't want to put my trust in chariots, though it is the first reaction of my flesh. Chariots have no power. God alone does, and He is the only one who can save. I pray that God gives me the strength to rely on Him and Him alone, because He is all I need, and has a solution for every battle I face. 

"Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:13-14.

But if not, He is still good.

Daniel 3:
¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us^[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

I love this passage because I believe it shows where our hearts should be.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were about to be thrown into a furnace to burn to death. If it were me, I'd probably be in a state of fear, panic and tears. I'd most likely be incapable of functioning, and begging God to get me out of the situation...

But instead of panicking and begging, these men had the utmost confidence in God. They knew that if it was God's purpose, He would deliver them and save them from this mess. They trusted him to do so - but their faith didn't stop there! These men also trusted God enough to say, "even if He doesn't save us from this, we will still serve him." They knew that their God was right and holy, and if He chose to leave them in the situation, they trusted that He knew what he was doing. Their trust in Him was not conditional.

How often is our trust in God conditional?

How often do we think "God, if you don't get me out of this, you must hate me..."

How often do we push God away when pain comes into our lives?

How often do we panic when financial difficulties come, believing the lie that He won't- or can't- make a way for provision?

How often, when things are going on in our lives, is our first reaction to believe that God doesn't care, that He doesn't see, that He won't take care of us?

I know I do, and I'm sure I'm not the only one!

Exodus 14:12: It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"

This verse in Exodus is where the Israelites have given into fear, and believe the lie that God is going to leave them in the desert to die. Even after seeing all of His miracles, his provision, His rescuing them from Pharaoh, parting the red sea- they panicked over something as silly as food.

So many times when we read about the Israelites, our reaction is "what is wrong with those people? How could they NOT TRUST GOD after seeing all that He had done?"

But if we really look at it, we do the same thing. I know that I act like the Israelites more often than I would like to admit. I have seen the miracles. I have seen the provision. I have seen God show up and show out when I saw no way. Yet, many times, when things go wrong, my first reaction is to panic instead of trusting God.

When my husband and I left Milwaukee to come to Marshfield, we had nothing. We had no idea how we were going to survive, get furniture, feed ourselves, get a vehicle. But God made a way, and just a few short years later, we have everything we need and more than we could have ever dreamed. There was a time when, early in our marriage, my husband got laid off from work. I was pregnant, and we had no idea how we were going to pay the bills. Our first reaction was to panic and scramble to plan what we were going to do to fix the situation. We were planning on leaving and going back to Milwaukee.

Then I opened the mail one day. Inside was a $3,000 check from my school, for a grant that they were supposed to have given me months earlier, but for some reason they hadn't. We took it as a sign that God was telling us to stay right where we are, and that He would take care of us. And He did.

We are in a situation now where we are badly in need of another vehicle so we can continue to do our ministry work. We have an opportunity this weekend to purchase a car at a very good price, yet we have no idea where the money will come from. I am doing my best to not be an Israelite and panic. To try and figure out a way on my own. To not let myself get in the mindset that if God doesn't provide a way for us to buy it, He doesn't care.  

The thing is, God is always good. Always. He is perfect, so all that He does is perfect, regardless of what we think.

If we can't get this vehicle, I have to trust that it wasn't meant for us, and that God has something better. I have to trust that if it's meant to be, He will provide. I have to trust that if not, He is still good.

I can't let myself become an Israelite through this situation. I know God's character. I know He is good. I know He cares. I know He provides what we need, not necessarily what we want. Having an Israelite mentality only pushes us away from God, and wrecks our faith. I look back on my life and all of the ways He has protected, provided, and set divine appointments for us to meet the people we needed to meet, and I can see His hand in all of it, unfolding His plan. God stays the same, and He will continue to have a good plan for my life, no matter what the circumstances look like.

If God had left Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo in the flames and let them die, He would still be holy, He would still be right, and He would still be good!

In the same way, if my countless prayers for protection for my family had not been answered, God would still be good. If my friends all abandoned me, my husband was taken away, and I lost all I had, God would still be good. If we aren't able to get a vehicle for awhile, He is still good, and He will always make a way.

His plans are always good, even if they don't look like we think they should. I really believe that a lot of times when our circumstances are dire, God will use them to show His power in them. He will make a way that could ONLY be made by Him. He will show Himself strong, and people will know that He is real. Our faith will also be strengthened, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that it was God who turned the situation around. We can recall these moments in future situations when our instincts are to panic, and remember His faithfulness- and that He will be faithful again.

Thank God that He gives us even more than we need! I am so thankful for my wonderful, my wonderful little boys, and all of my family. I am thankful for my friends, our church family, our ministry, and everything that He has given.

But if He took that all away or never blessed me again, He is still good. And I should still praise Him!

In Job 10:2, after his wife tells him to curse God and die because of all the hardship and loss they are experiencing, Job answers:" Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” I opened my bible up to that verse the other day, totally by accident. What an eye opening verse.

Job's reaction was totally opposite of the Israelite's. It  reminded me to remember that God is God, and that sometimes hardships are a part of His plan. Who am I to question Him? We have to trust that God is good when things are going really real for us, and also when things (from our perspective) are going totally wrong. He has a plan in all of it.

Job 23: 10 But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

God promises to use all of the tests, trials, and desperate situations in our lives for good (Romans 8:28). He is refining us through them. He is burning off the junk that we carry like fear, anxiety, pride, and doubt. We just have to hold onto His promises, and trust that He is still good and still God, even in the furnace or desert, and that we will come out better and stronger on the other side as long as we hold onto Him.

God, give me the strength to not be an Israelite today. Amen.

Silence that's deafening.

My husband and son during a hospital visit.

This week has been one where silence has spoken extremely loudly. You never really know just how loud silence actually is until you are unwillingly stuck in it. The sound of grief, of fear, of the unknown, can truly speak louder than words ever could. You can feel silence, while words are fleeting.

This week I went the funeral of a gorgeous, perfect 2 month old baby. Her parents led our small group for years, and they are truly good people. As I sat in the church during the service, looking at her perfect little body in the casket, the weight of silence- of stillness- became very apparent. My heart broke for her family. What they would give to have noise instead of silence- baby coos, laughter, and crying- instead of the overwhelming weight of quietness. There are no words that anyone could ever say that will speak louder than the void of not having their baby girl there.

It was an emotional day for me, not only because I was at the funeral of an infant- which is emotionally draining on anyone- but because I don't do well with funerals to begin with. I've been to too many. Too many of people that I was extremely close with- who meant the world to me. Every time I find myself in another funeral, I start envisioning the next one- worrying when I am going to be sitting in those chairs again. Terrified of whose body is going to be in the casket next time. Sometimes death comes with no warning- no clue that anything is wrong, no reason to think that the person that died would have ever been in a casket before you are- like this precious baby girl. But sometimes death comes more slowly. People struggle with long term illnesses and health problems where you can start to prepare yourself for their end. I have grieved both kinds of deaths, and honestly I'm not sure which is worse.

I found myself starting to worry about my husband during this funeral. My husband has chronic health issues, and the thought of him dying before me is almost too much to bear. But, in all reality, that is probably the way it is going to happen. I started hyperventilating and crying over my husband's future death. I started to feel the weight of grief that I have felt so many times before- the same grief this baby girl's parents were feeling at that very moment. I fear death- not for myself- but for the people I love. I don't want to be left to live without them. I've done it too many times before. When you have had so many people that you love dearly die on you, you can't help but worry about who the next one is going to be. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism to prepare myself for it, or a way to try and brace myself so I don't feel it quite as hard- but dwelling on thoughts like that are not a good way to live. It robs you of the joy in the present when you are constantly worried about the future.

I had to force myself to snap out of it. I had to remind myself that God is in control of ALL things- from the time we are born until the time we take our last breath. I kept repeating Romans 8:28 to myself: ALL things work together for the good of those who love God. When my husband's time does come, it will be in God's control, and He will continue to take care of me the same way he has done my entire life. He will be there for me in the valley of the shadow of death the same way He has been in the past. God is faithful, and I had to cast down the thoughts that were coming into my mind from satan- telling me I would be abandoned, not cared for, that my life would be ruined, that God wouldn't see me through it. That's not the truth. Fear is not from God, and I have known God long enough to know that he has a reason for everything that happens, and that He WILL work it out for my good. Like when my fiancé committed suicide. I remember very vividly staring at his casket during his wake, thinking how things were really messed up now. My life was over. There was no fixing this. Yet, years later, it turned out that his death was the very thing that pushed me to the point that I was desperate enough to surrender to God, and he saved me. It's what allowed God to break me out of my addiction. It's what allowed me to share hope with other people who are going through the same thing. It's what ultimately saved my life- though you would have never been able to convince me that any good would come out of it at that moment I was staring at the man I was supposed to marry in a casket.

I brushed my fear of my husband dying off. It's part of the PTSD that still pops its head up every once in awhile from Dave dying. We have too much work to do- too many lives to touch- for God to take him now. I know that. But then, the day after the baby's funeral, we were having dinner with friends at our home, and my husband started having chest pains. I had him chew an aspirin, and he waited another 15 minutes, but the pain got worse. Our friend Chris drove him to the emergency room, while I stayed here with my sleeping baby. A million thoughts started rushing through my head. Was yesterday at the funeral a warning? Was God trying to prepare me for something? Was he warning me? I started to truly panic. The thought of my husband dying- of my son growing up without a father- became much too real. The day before I convinced myself that it was me getting myself worked up, my PTSD resurfacing, my mind playing tricks on me, satan putting thoughts in my head to get me to fear. But this, this was real.

Three days and batteries of tests later, there was still no concrete answer about what was wrong with my husband. Silence. Deafening silence. Silence so loud, that all I could hear were my fears. As I sat in my quiet home at night while the baby was sleeping, the void of my husband not being here became overwhelming. No late night conversations, no dinners together, no watching our favorite tv series together to wind down at the end of the day. The house was void of the sound of him snoring, the sound of him laughing, the sound of him singing his praise songs to God. Just the sound of..... nothingness. A void where my husband used to be. It started to drive me crazy.

But then, I had to re-center myself. I had to remember that I know who God is, and that no matter what happens, God is in control. I recalled the words of a very wise woman- my Pastora from Milwaukee- when her husband Pastor Cano died. I remember telling her that I was so sorry this had happened, and that I didn't know why it had to happen. She looked me straight in the eye and said "Oh no, I don't question God. God is still good, and He knows why." What a woman of strength! I found myself taking solace in those words. God forbid, if my husband were to die- I have to always remember that God is God, and I am not. That He is good, even when the circumstances are bad. I have to rest in the fact that no matter what happens in my life- good or bad- I am God's child, and he will take care of me. I have to remember that my trust is not in men- not even my husband- but God alone. He is the God who gives and takes away, and he sees things that we can't. Satan wants me to fear the unknown. I am determined to not allow him that control over me. Sometimes you just need to step back from your emotions, and step into God's truth. To remember that God has been faithful in the past, and will continue to be. To remember that God knows our every sorrow, our grief, our fear, our hurt, our loneliness- and He is there with us in it.

God is faithful. My husband is coming home today. I am going to pick him up in half an hour.  He has to have a procedure done next month to fix some stuff going on in his heart- and I am trusting God with that. I am trusting God that my husband will be alive until the exact second that God's infinite wisdom says otherwise. My prayers were answered, but that's not always the case. There will come a day when my husband does die, and I will need to cling to God all the more. But for now, the silence in my home is about to be lifted, and I will have the laughter and snoring of my husband back. Glorious sounds. Sounds that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Sounds I much prefer over silence.

Not that silence is a bad thing. Sometimes, when things are the quietest, God will speak to you the loudest. When things are falling apart around you, you can trust that God is there speaking to you, telling you not to fear. The most spiritual growing times in my life have been in devastating times of silence. God will use EVERYTHING- even the heartbreaking, silent times- for good. I am not knocking the silence. But for now, I am SO grateful for the noise, and appreciating it in all its glory.