Trusting God in the big things and freaking out over the little things.

Being married to someone who has severe, chronic health problems has tested my faith more than just about any situation I have been through in life. I have been through a lot in my life, but the constant battle of fear, hope, peace, and dismay has never been so intense as it has been on my husband's health journey. I have wrestled through the questions of why my husband remains sick. God's word says that He is a healer, and that nothing is impossible for Him- even curing diseases and health problems. I have wrestled through the questions of WHY God hasn't healed my husband yet. He may never heal him, if it's not His will. That was a hard pill to swallow. However, I have come to terms with the fact that if God has allowed this into our lives, there is a reason for it. I know that God is good, and I know that he has a purpose in everything He allows into our lives- even if it isn't orchestrated the way I would want it to be. This week had me holding onto that belief with every ounce of my being. It has also made me love my husband more than I ever have. It has also shown me quite a lot about myself, and how it is very easy for me to depend on God for the big things, but I tend to depend on myself for the small, everyday ones.

The day after we got back from vacation, my husband went to a regularly scheduled doctor's appointment. While there, he started having bad chest pains and trouble breathing. His doctor sent him to the emergency room, and they admitted him to the hospital. The next day, they announced that they would be taking out his current pacemaker and putting in a newer, more sophisticated, heavy duty one. They had talked about putting in this new pacemaker a few weeks ago when he was in the hospital, but with the most recent hospitalization, the urgency of getting a new pacemaker became apparent. With two hospitalizations for heart problems within the last month, they figured that they couldn't wait anymore. I am so thankful for intelligent doctors and the lifesaving work they do!

Honestly, when he called me and told me that he was going in for surgery, I was sick to my stomach. So many thoughts flooded my head. I have watched way too much Grey's Anatomy and House episodes- and just about everything that had gone wrong in surgery on those shows flashed before my eyes. I was really, really, tempted to freak out. But then I felt a peace come over me. A peace that can only come from God. He reminded me that he is nowhere near done with my husband and I yet. I know that deep down in my heart, but the reminder helped me to put things into perspective. Nothing was going to happen to my husband during his surgery, because God still has plans for him. BIG plans. I knew it. I just had to stay focused on that thought instead of letting my mind wander to places it shouldn't be going. Freak out inducing places. I didn't have time to have a breakdown when I was dealing with something of this magnitude- especially when I turned around and saw my three year old little boy staring up at me.

A friend of mine came and stayed the night with me the night before his surgery. She was here when I got the call. She watched me with anticipation, waiting for the freak out moment that never came. Instead, I started crazily cleaning my house. Cleaning everything- and then re-cleaning everything. I could feel her watching me- waiting for me to break down, to cry, to freak out, to start screaming. But I just.... cleaned. I almost think that if I would have freaked out it would have been less awkward for her. I'm sure it looked like I was just shutting down. You know- before people snap, they are usually calm. Calmness in these types of situations weirds people out, because it isn't expected.

You see, I normally am a freaker-outer. My friend that witnessed my frantic cleaning knows that about me as well- which is why it was probably awkward to her that I wasn't having a breakdown. Faith is not really my strongest spiritual gift (but it is my husband's- his motto is that no matter what happens, it will be okay). I freak out over little things. If my plans get disrupted. If we are late for something. If the house doesn't stay clean. If my Judge Judy doesn't record. If I get a lower grade on a test than I thought I was going to get.  Stupid things. Things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Things that pale in comparison to your husband having heart surgery. That's what I freak out about. So you would think I would REALLY freak out about big things like a doctor cutting into my husband's chest to put a device into his heart. I expected myself to freak out too.

Then I had a realization. My husband has been through a lot of hospitalizations since I have been with him, and honestly it was probably only the first time that I freaked out. All of the rest of the times, I have been surprisingly peaceful. One time (ask him about it- he is very happy to tell the story lol) he was having chest pains and I told him to go to the pharmacy to check his prescription interactions. There was no panic, no "let's rush to the hospital- you could be DYING!"  How is that possible when I can't maintain my peace when my Judge Judy episodes get messed up? When I score less than what I desired on a test? When there are socks in the middle of the floor? Yes, it is only made possible by the peace of God, but why can't I channel that peace into my DVR?  It makes no sense.

I started thinking about it, and realized that the reason I don't fly into a panic about the big things is because A) I shut down to protect myself from being hurt as I have had too many people die on me already and can't afford to let my head go there B) I KNOW there is nothing I can do to change the big things like death, and C)  I HAVE to trust God in the big things, because they are totally out of my hands. Sometimes in the little things, it is hard to remember that God is there, that He is in control, and that he cares. We have an illusion of control when it comes to the DVR or the cleanliness of our house. Those are small enough things where WE can fix them, so it is easy to freak out when they aren't going as planned because we feel like we should be able to exert power over them. Like they are our responsibility. That freaking out will motivate us to do what we are supposed to be doing to make things right. However, when it comes to a family health crisis, it is never more obvious that we have absolutely no control over the situation. We MUST depend on God, because HE is the only one who can do ANYTHING in those big situations. As much as we try, wish, hope, or do- sickness and death are totally out of our hands. So why freak out? We are powerless (we are actually powerless when it comes to the DVR and the house to a degree too- but it's much harder to convince ourselves of that).

When life is so crazy and scary and out of control, it forces us to turn to the one who is. We don't fight to make things better because we know that God is the only one who can. We don't freak out because we know that it will do absolutely no good in comparison to the size and scope of the problem that we are dealing with. There comes a point where we know that all we can do is turn to God and desperately pray that He will fix the situation. Things like this really knock you to your knees and force you to a surrendering point. You realize just how NOT in control you are, and you have to trust that God's purposes will prevail. You have to hold onto that thought- especially if the outcome isn't what you wanted or were expecting. We HAVE to trust God in the big things- in the God sized things. He is the only one big enough to handle them.

I know this because of the life I have lived. I have had horrible, tragic things happen in my life and been in situations that were far and above my ability to change. In each of these situations, God brought me through the other side, He brought good out of them, and he revealed to me just how powerful he really is. I know that God shows up in the big moments- even when they are dark and painful and seemingly hopeless. I have been down that road with Him too many times to count, and he never disappoints. The little things, though- those are harder. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the concept of God showing up to somehow use my lost Judge Judy episodes for good. It is easier to get lost in the small, everyday things and believe that we are the ones who are in control. That we don't need God to fix it because we can. There is no false sense of self-sufficiency when it comes to the big things. We realize that He is God and we are not, and that there is no sense in freaking out because His purpose is going to prevail whether we like it or not, and without our input.

My husband got released from the hospital yesterday, with a shiny new pacemaker. All was going well (he even ventured out to bible study), and then he started bleeding from his chest. A lot. And his blood was THICK. His incision site started to swell, and he said he needed to go to the hospital. He went, and this time I was alone- with my three year old sleeping in his bedroom. Maybe I would freak out this time now that there were no witnesses.

Well, I was peaceful enough that I fell asleep on the couch watching Judge Judy episodes (oh the irony!), and received a call at midnight from a friend of ours that works at the hospital. She let me know that they had to take Ben back into surgery, because there was internal bleeding somewhere or a slow leak in his heart. THAT was a scary thing to hear. I'm not even going to try to lie. But again, what could I do about it? I prayed and prayed and asked God to heal my husband and give the doctor's wisdom. I clung to what I KNEW- that God is good, that He is my husband's protector, and that he is not finished with him yet. Still, my mind was trying really hard to veer into territory that it shouldn't. I tried to imagine life without my husband and I couldn't. I kept telling myself that God knows the plans He has for BOTH of us, and that I need to accept that whatever the outcome may be, God would be there, and that He knows what He is doing.

I woke up this morning to a call from my husband telling me that the surgery was, in fact, to remove three blood clots that had formed under his incision next to his heart. They did emergency surgery to cauterize them, and they were keeping him at the hospital for a few hours for observation and then sending him home. I so wanted to scream "they should just keep you for the next 4 weeks (his recovery time) so they can protect you from this happening again!" But again I was reminded who is really in charge. Doctors and nurses are great, but in the end God is the one whose will prevails. He will protect my husband ~ whether in the hospital or out. I know He loves my husband enough to guard his life. If I trust that He is good, faithful, and loving, there is no need to freak out.

He is good, faithful, and loving. Even when my Judge Judy episodes don't record. Learning that is the tricky part. Surely if I can trust him with my husband's life, I can trust him with my DVR. Giving up control of the big things are easy- but to a control freak, the small things are hard. The illusion of control is much harder to destroy when it's things we believe we are self sufficient at doing. I am slowly learning that God is all sufficient in EVERY situation, and that on my best day, I am a miserable failure at running my universe- even if that universe only consists of controlling the wayward socks that seem to make their way onto my living room floor and getting my DVR box to record. It's good to be reminded that we make horrible Gods, and that we sometimes push God aside when it comes to things that we think we can handle without Him. Even when we think we know better, or that we would work out a situation differently- it's important to remember that there is a reason that God is God and we are not. When we think that we can control things better than God can- and freak out in the process- there is something wrong. Sometimes it is harder to recognize God in the small, mundane stuff. Maybe that's why God allows the freak outs over the lost Judge Judy episodes. So it's glaringly apparent how truly insufficient we really are without Him. How could I possibly think I could protect my husband's life better than God when I can't even manage my DVR?  It's a lesson I'm slowly learning.  Hopefully I don't have to sacrifice too many more Judge Judy episodes to fully learn it.

My husband right out of surgery with his shiny new pacemaker.

Silence that's deafening.

My husband and son during a hospital visit.

This week has been one where silence has spoken extremely loudly. You never really know just how loud silence actually is until you are unwillingly stuck in it. The sound of grief, of fear, of the unknown, can truly speak louder than words ever could. You can feel silence, while words are fleeting.

This week I went the funeral of a gorgeous, perfect 2 month old baby. Her parents led our small group for years, and they are truly good people. As I sat in the church during the service, looking at her perfect little body in the casket, the weight of silence- of stillness- became very apparent. My heart broke for her family. What they would give to have noise instead of silence- baby coos, laughter, and crying- instead of the overwhelming weight of quietness. There are no words that anyone could ever say that will speak louder than the void of not having their baby girl there.

It was an emotional day for me, not only because I was at the funeral of an infant- which is emotionally draining on anyone- but because I don't do well with funerals to begin with. I've been to too many. Too many of people that I was extremely close with- who meant the world to me. Every time I find myself in another funeral, I start envisioning the next one- worrying when I am going to be sitting in those chairs again. Terrified of whose body is going to be in the casket next time. Sometimes death comes with no warning- no clue that anything is wrong, no reason to think that the person that died would have ever been in a casket before you are- like this precious baby girl. But sometimes death comes more slowly. People struggle with long term illnesses and health problems where you can start to prepare yourself for their end. I have grieved both kinds of deaths, and honestly I'm not sure which is worse.

I found myself starting to worry about my husband during this funeral. My husband has chronic health issues, and the thought of him dying before me is almost too much to bear. But, in all reality, that is probably the way it is going to happen. I started hyperventilating and crying over my husband's future death. I started to feel the weight of grief that I have felt so many times before- the same grief this baby girl's parents were feeling at that very moment. I fear death- not for myself- but for the people I love. I don't want to be left to live without them. I've done it too many times before. When you have had so many people that you love dearly die on you, you can't help but worry about who the next one is going to be. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism to prepare myself for it, or a way to try and brace myself so I don't feel it quite as hard- but dwelling on thoughts like that are not a good way to live. It robs you of the joy in the present when you are constantly worried about the future.

I had to force myself to snap out of it. I had to remind myself that God is in control of ALL things- from the time we are born until the time we take our last breath. I kept repeating Romans 8:28 to myself: ALL things work together for the good of those who love God. When my husband's time does come, it will be in God's control, and He will continue to take care of me the same way he has done my entire life. He will be there for me in the valley of the shadow of death the same way He has been in the past. God is faithful, and I had to cast down the thoughts that were coming into my mind from satan- telling me I would be abandoned, not cared for, that my life would be ruined, that God wouldn't see me through it. That's not the truth. Fear is not from God, and I have known God long enough to know that he has a reason for everything that happens, and that He WILL work it out for my good. Like when my fiancé committed suicide. I remember very vividly staring at his casket during his wake, thinking how things were really messed up now. My life was over. There was no fixing this. Yet, years later, it turned out that his death was the very thing that pushed me to the point that I was desperate enough to surrender to God, and he saved me. It's what allowed God to break me out of my addiction. It's what allowed me to share hope with other people who are going through the same thing. It's what ultimately saved my life- though you would have never been able to convince me that any good would come out of it at that moment I was staring at the man I was supposed to marry in a casket.

I brushed my fear of my husband dying off. It's part of the PTSD that still pops its head up every once in awhile from Dave dying. We have too much work to do- too many lives to touch- for God to take him now. I know that. But then, the day after the baby's funeral, we were having dinner with friends at our home, and my husband started having chest pains. I had him chew an aspirin, and he waited another 15 minutes, but the pain got worse. Our friend Chris drove him to the emergency room, while I stayed here with my sleeping baby. A million thoughts started rushing through my head. Was yesterday at the funeral a warning? Was God trying to prepare me for something? Was he warning me? I started to truly panic. The thought of my husband dying- of my son growing up without a father- became much too real. The day before I convinced myself that it was me getting myself worked up, my PTSD resurfacing, my mind playing tricks on me, satan putting thoughts in my head to get me to fear. But this, this was real.

Three days and batteries of tests later, there was still no concrete answer about what was wrong with my husband. Silence. Deafening silence. Silence so loud, that all I could hear were my fears. As I sat in my quiet home at night while the baby was sleeping, the void of my husband not being here became overwhelming. No late night conversations, no dinners together, no watching our favorite tv series together to wind down at the end of the day. The house was void of the sound of him snoring, the sound of him laughing, the sound of him singing his praise songs to God. Just the sound of..... nothingness. A void where my husband used to be. It started to drive me crazy.

But then, I had to re-center myself. I had to remember that I know who God is, and that no matter what happens, God is in control. I recalled the words of a very wise woman- my Pastora from Milwaukee- when her husband Pastor Cano died. I remember telling her that I was so sorry this had happened, and that I didn't know why it had to happen. She looked me straight in the eye and said "Oh no, I don't question God. God is still good, and He knows why." What a woman of strength! I found myself taking solace in those words. God forbid, if my husband were to die- I have to always remember that God is God, and I am not. That He is good, even when the circumstances are bad. I have to rest in the fact that no matter what happens in my life- good or bad- I am God's child, and he will take care of me. I have to remember that my trust is not in men- not even my husband- but God alone. He is the God who gives and takes away, and he sees things that we can't. Satan wants me to fear the unknown. I am determined to not allow him that control over me. Sometimes you just need to step back from your emotions, and step into God's truth. To remember that God has been faithful in the past, and will continue to be. To remember that God knows our every sorrow, our grief, our fear, our hurt, our loneliness- and He is there with us in it.

God is faithful. My husband is coming home today. I am going to pick him up in half an hour.  He has to have a procedure done next month to fix some stuff going on in his heart- and I am trusting God with that. I am trusting God that my husband will be alive until the exact second that God's infinite wisdom says otherwise. My prayers were answered, but that's not always the case. There will come a day when my husband does die, and I will need to cling to God all the more. But for now, the silence in my home is about to be lifted, and I will have the laughter and snoring of my husband back. Glorious sounds. Sounds that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Sounds I much prefer over silence.

Not that silence is a bad thing. Sometimes, when things are the quietest, God will speak to you the loudest. When things are falling apart around you, you can trust that God is there speaking to you, telling you not to fear. The most spiritual growing times in my life have been in devastating times of silence. God will use EVERYTHING- even the heartbreaking, silent times- for good. I am not knocking the silence. But for now, I am SO grateful for the noise, and appreciating it in all its glory.